How Far We've Come
by merdermcdreaming
Summary: Starting from 7x11, a fic about Meredith & Derek's road to starting a family, making a future, and getting on that road to recovery. Summary inside :  Reviews appreciated, thanks for reading!
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: It's here! I've spent so much time writing and planning for this fic, and it's finally here! Welcome to How Far We've Come! :) Let me try to introduce this fic as best as I can. It starts of with me re-doing 7x11, Disarmed. Although I liked the episode, I didn't like some of the MD scenes, so I changed it up! This is about Meredith and Derek's road to recovery, and I can't wait to see how it plays out. _**

**_It focuses on them, of course, their desire to start a family, and how they get over the traumatic event that has happened to them. Filled with plenty of drama and romance, _****_I hope you guys do enjoy this fic and come back for more. It's both Meredith and Derek centric, seeing from both of their point of view, letting you hopefully relate to both of them. :) Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, and thank you for reading, of course! _**  


"There has to be more to the story," Meredith snapped, crossing her arms over her chest tightly and pursing her lips.

"There's not," Derek replied icily, his words chopped between each syllable. "I already told you there's not, Meredith." Meredith rolled her eyes and looked down at the tents of smooth, flowing sheets that rippled across their bed. Derek had been expressing some sort of false connoisseurship having to do with Cristina lately: He had been acting like it came with some sort of don't ask, don't tell, policy. Meredith was done tolerating it.

"Derek!" She exclaimed, and the own power of her voice surprised her. He craned his neck over to her, scanning her up and down, his eyes wide in a vehemence of annoyance. She dipped her vocals lower, softening her demands, hoping that it would soften Derek as well, that it would melt him like butter. "Derek, please. I just want a few details, that's all."

His lips grew tight and he let out a sigh of exhaustion, drawing his hand down his face and sighing over dramatically. "I told you already," He answered simply, whirling around to pierce her with his stare. "End of story." His voice was clear, steady, cut as sharply as glass.

Meredith sighed, staring at the sheets, her eyes picking out every little seam that traveled across the mounds of fabric, trying to distract herself from the strings of taut tension that hung between them. It seemed as though, ever since Mr. Clark and his rampage that tore their lives in two, lines of connection that once kept them close and inseparable had stretched and stretched, until it finally became a frayed rope. Words got lost in the jumble, things went unsaid: And Meredith hated it.

She fluttered her eyes into a blink and leaned her head against the headboard, straying her eyes to the window, her face solemn and as cold as stone: "I'm ovulating," She whispered, not sure what she was trying to do with the words. Her lips trembled.

Derek stared at her, rolling his eyes in bewilderment. In the middle of an argument, and she wanted to try to create a life? He exhaled sharply, enunciating the exasperated sigh, pursing his lips to keep himself from saying something he'd regret later. He shuffled out of his shirt, but then paused, sighing again, "Well, are we going to do this or not?" He asked plaintively, tapping his foot in impatience.

She shut her eyes and leaned back, crossing her hands over her stomach and sighing. "No," She said gently.

"You just said~"

"Derek, stop. This is supposed to be fun. You're treating it like a chore. So my answer is no, okay?" She said briskly, mimicking his unwelcome tone from before. _End of story. _She rubbed her eyes, exhausted and beaten down.

"Fine!" He huffed, yanking his shirt from the floor and furiously looping the buttons into their matching holes. His fingers shook, his innards boiled. He had to keep it in. He had to keep everything in. "I'm going to work," He forced. He yanked his hands through his scalp and looked frantically for his coat, which was supposedly mixed somewhere within the messy shuffle of the room. Meredith turned her body, swiveling towards the window, and she bit her quivering lip.

"Whatever," She whispered distantly, gazing at the window and wrapping her hands around the pillow. She heard Derek mutter an insincere goodbye and the door slammed, the chilling reminder of the pieces that had broken between them, and she clasped her arms tighter, pretending the comforting cushion was Derek instead of some stupid inanimate object.

**XXX **

Derek was tired, exhausted, slowly crumbling beneath his every glance in the mirror. Something about him was missing, and even he saw it. When he looked at his fuzzy reflection, he wasn't the same Derek as he had been months before everything had happen, months before he had gone from the hero to the victim. Maybe in some ways he was still the hero- that's what Meredith had been telling him- but he also knew that if he had never existed, none of anything would have ever happened.

He blinked and stared at his pager, which continued to blink red. He took tapping steps down the shiny, polished floors of Seattle Grace Hospital, his black shoes a blurry contrast against the shining flooring. He kept his head down, something he tended to do in the hospital lately: With his head down, no one could make eye contact, therefore, no one could blame him.

_Hey, there's the guy that Gary was after. _

He clasped his hand around the railing as he cascaded down slowly, gliding down the staircase and flowing towards the bottom of the stairs. There seemed to be quite a commotion, staff members huddled around one of the waiting areas, staring up at a television. He reached up with a shaking hand to fiddle with his tie, shifting it to confirm it was straight. Image was key.

He spotted Meredith's dark, wavy hair from the top of the staircase, and it was somewhat bowed down to something. Some inevitable force that pressed on her. Walking through the hospital and glancing at other doctors, it seemed as if they all had something hanging on them, something that clawed at them with the threat to explode from the inside out. He tightened his grip on the railing.

He felt bad about what had happened that morning, about his snapping and ruthless doggedness for her and her problems. Actually, all he really wanted to do was talk: Talk about what had happened, let himself free to her, surrendering himself and shielding her. But, the problem with that was precisely the solution as well: If he did talk to her, _actually talk to her, _he was exposed, raw and open for the world to see the real mess that Gary Clark made him.

When he arrived at his destination, landing at the bottom of the staircase, he followed fellow staff members gaze up to the thick television in the corner. It hummed and buzzed with age and the lack of much need upgrades, but there was a fuzzy new report. Hotshot news reporters reiterated the same information again and again, repeating until the words burned into Derek's brain.

_Shooting at a college… At least a dozen…No, at least twenty victims. _

His knees shook beneath him. Flashbacks wrecked him, sending him into a spinning abyss like the many times before when his mind forced him to repeat what had happened that day. Fear exhilarated him, and he could practically hear his heart pound with an echo in his ears. He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them, and then crossed them again: Fidgeting ruthlessly, he had no idea what to do. He didn't feel like it was really him: He felt like he was looking down on himself, watching what a poor, pathetic character he had become.

He heard his colleague's sniffles and cries trickle around him, and his own lip quivered. All he could do was duck his head down and stare at the floor. He wasn't sure what he was looking at, but it was keeping him from seeing the wreck left in the wake of destruction that flowed all around him. His heart cracked in his chest, and he shut his eyes, trying in a feeble attempt to block out everything that ever hurt him. Suddenly the broken story that was his life seemed much more real than it had before, and now other people were having to live through it as well. His chest tightened, and his breathing suddenly became a chore rather than a motion.

"Derek?" He felt a warm hand touch his arm, friction buzzing against his white coat. He blinked away any threatening emotions from his eyes and looked up, "What?" He said, too alert, too sudden. Meredith's wide eyes looked up at him, focusing on every little crease that displayed on his face. He recoiled slightly. How was he supposed to act after he what he had done that morning?

"Are you okay?" She said softly, her words running and coating his cracking heart, fixing his state of stupor slowly. He felt his emotions go soft, and he tightened his lips. His voice was throaty and deep, not like himself. His eyes were buttery and inconsolable, something that made Meredith feel unsteady on her own feet.

"Fine," He responded, dryly and unconvincing. Meredith let her hand drift away slowly, and Derek looked down at the ground. The chief, at the front of the room, was making some firm commands of some sort. Derek was too dizzy to notice.

Meredith looked away, not sure herself of what she was supposed to do. She wished she could just wrap him up in an unbreakable seal of impunity, but she knew that wasn't possible. She bit her lip and people rushed around her, smashing her shoulders and running in a million different directions. She looked up once again, and Derek was gone, drifting and getting lost in the crowd the swam and carried everyone along the current with them. The frayed rope between them snagged and ripped.

**XXX **

"You know what? He's being dumb. He's being dumb and stupid and inconsiderate and all those other words that describe someone who doesn't even bother to make time for his wife anymore!" Meredith exclaimed, her words tumbling out of her mouth faster than what she could process in her mind. She ran her hands through her hair and stomped her foot automatically, huffing and sending her eyes up into a towering roll. Alex, sitting behind the desk in front of her, looked up from the papery chart he was leafing through.

"Why are you telling me this again?" He asked, a cocky smirk crawling across his cheeks.

"Because," She huffed, eyeing him. "Because my husband is too freaking preoccupied with his new best friend, who used to be my best friend, who isn't anymore because she can't apologize for once in her life…" She rolled her eyes with emphasis and crossed her arms across her chest tightly, squeezing her ribs. "…And she blames me for everything. Everything, Alex."

"If she wants to blame someone," He chuckled, "She can blame Mr. Clark." He noticed the imminent drop in Meredith's expression and frowned. "Sorry. Sorry."

Meredith hated it. If only her own best friend could say those words for once, if only her husband could be that caring and concise with his words. She smiled softly at him, and then looked down at her fingers, which scrabbled across the counter, "It's not a big deal. I should go down to the pit or something, and see what my I-am-too-concerned-with-everyone-except-you husband is paging me for." She muttered. Alex chuckled dryly, looking up at her with a trace of concern crossed between his eyebrows. "What?" She demanded, suddenly defensive. Alex held up his hands in the effigy of surrender.

"Nothing. It's just… Is everything alright with you and Shepherd?" Meredith frowned. "I mean, marriage wise. Are you okay, or whatever?" He tried. He was trying to fill the void she had etched in her heart, and she was grateful. She looked at him with kind eyes.

"Thanks for caring. Really, it's nice to have that." She clenched her fists together and gritted her teeth, "We're fine. It's just… a rough patch. We're actually trying for a baby. And…yeah. We're fine. Completely fine." _Everyone's fine. _

"Whatever," He tossed lightly, snapping the chart shut and standing up. He brushed invisible dust particles off his thighs and smirked at her. "Well, go to the pit already. You're stalling."

"Am not," She glared, hissing through his teeth. She took a step back, and then paused to look at a nurse that was huddled over, helping a patient from a wheelchair. "Need any help?" She asked sweetly, but the nurse shooed her away, obviously from stress and adrenaline. Meredith looked up at Alex, "I am NOT stalling."

"You're stalling from seeing McDreamy. I get it," He chuckled, grabbing another chart from the pile. Meredith rolled her eyes for the third time in that conversation.

"I. Am. Not. Stalling," She demanded, and Alex just chuckled. She shoved loose bangs from her eyes and spun on her heels, leaving the scene: But not before she heard Alex shout to her again.

"Stalling!" He called, laughing to himself. Meredith stomped forward, and she only slowed her pace a bit.

**XXX **

Derek was sick of listening to Richard mutter about emotions and how they were not to be ashamed, and then backfire and demand how they needed to keep themselves in check and be doctors to the people who needed them. To make themselves available when tragedy strikes, which is what doctors are supposed to do.

Well, did _Derek _have the doctors he needed when he was hurt, bleeding out on the catwalk? Did Meredith have the doctors she needed when she had her miscarriage? Maybe, if they did, they would have been okay. Maybe Meredith would still be carrying their child, maybe… Derek tangled his fingers into tight balls of fists, tapping his feet to the distant rhythm of ambulance sirens. He clenched his teeth. Maybe.

The ambulance screamed as it pulled up, with one immediately behind it, wailing into the otherwise quiet morning. Derek snapped his surgical gloves just as Meredith ran up beside him, avoiding his eyes, huffing and out of breath. She smoothed her flyaway hair down, and suddenly Derek just wanted to hug her. He just wanted to hug her and make this day better, but if he hugged her, would he let his guard down? Would he sob? Would he break down? He couldn't make her carry the burden of how broken he really was.

He ran up to an ambulance where the paramedic rambled into his ear something about head injury and falling from some high point that damaged him. He wrapped his hands around the stretcher as Owen Hunt noticed him suck in a trembling breath, letting his eyes flutter shut and creak open again. His words were distant, as if they were coming from a cliff rather than just across a stretcher. "Are you okay?"

Derek tensed, eyed him, and mustered briskly, "Nothing about this is okay." Owen stared at him momentarily, but Derek was running inside before he could say anything. Derek's own words pounded in his ears and made his brain thump as he crashed through the wave of crying people, and his heart throbbed. The pain blanketed him, and he cringed, forcing himself to look nowhere except the ground, avoiding the people who suffered through what had torn them apart months ago.

**XXX **

Meredith was blown away by Derek's coldness. The way he looked at her, so full of tense emotion: She was certain he was keeping something from her, although she couldn't pinpoint quite what it was. He had gone through the worst day of his life and was acting like Cristina's scars were deeper and more important than his own.

_**Right After**_

"_Derek?" She said quietly, the tears blurring her vision so the person who lay before her wasn't Derek, just a person with blurred edges, surrounded by tents of crinkly hospital sheets. His eyes creaked open to a slit, for the first time since the surgery, and she bit her trembling lip. "Derek, oh, hi, Derek… You're…" She tried to force the word 'okay,' but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She just couldn't. She squeezed her eyes shut, only to be met by an array of flashbacks that slapped her. She gasped and opened them again, gazing at his broken form. His face was so pained, so scared. She felt her knees shake. _

_He parted his lips to let out a sigh that made her shake harder, then shut his eyes again and grimaced against the throbbing that thrummed from the core within him. She felt a few tears roll down her cheeks, leaving wet trails behind. She reached her trembling hand down to meet his, wrapping around his palm and tangling her fingers between her own. She could feel it's warmth, feel that the blood was clearly alive and rushing, so much better than when she had pressed her hand into his mangled insides to try and stop the seemingly never-ending bleeding. _

_Meredith lifted his hand so carefully, as if he was made of paper that would crumble beneath the warmth of her own fingertips, and shut her eyes. She pressed her lips to his hand, savoring the knowledge that he was okay. He had a bad GSW, but he was on his first step on the winding road of recovery. She pressed her forehead to the back of his hand and cried, warbling sobs erupted from that space between her throat and her mouth. "I was so scared, Derek," By now she wasn't exactly sure if he could actually hear her, but she didn't care. He was alive and breathing, and that was all that mattered. "Derek, Derek, Derek," She repeated, turning the word into a prayer and a sob and everything in between. "I love you, I love you," She repeated, choking, her eyes clasped shut. She hoped he could still make out her words. _

_His lips opened, then closed, and then opened one more time, and his eyelids fluttered. He spoke for the first time. Well, not for the first time ever, but for the first time since he had been born again, since the event happened, since he woke up from the most frightening experience he had ever had: "I love you too." _

"Grey? Grey!" A distant voice smashed her flashback and she blinked, letting the chart she had clasped between her fingers clatter to the floor. She stumbled and bent over, leaning to pick it up, fumbling to grasp it off the slick floor. By the time she stood up her hair flung over her shoulder, and she panted.

"What? What?"

"You're needed in surgery, with Doctor Shepherd, you know," She chimed. Meredith muttered a curse and dragged her fingers through her chunky strands of dark blonde hair, sighing. "Actually, you were needed five minutes ago." Meredith glared at her.

"And now you tell me?"

"Well," The nurse said, her voice shaking. She grabbed the chart out of Meredith's hand, "Not everyone can be as stable as you on this day, Dr. Grey." She whirled around and stomped away, clearly shaken and on the verge of tears. Meredith gulped, and her throat was thick. She wanted to scream. She wanted to shout, thrash, and throw the tantrum she never got to throw. _WHAT? Am I not damaged? Just because I have been holding everybody else up, I'm fine? _But she couldn't. She gritted her teeth and she walked.

_**Three Days After **_

"_Derek?" She hummed. Her voice was laced with sleep and her eyelids were heavy. She wrapped her hands around the arms of the chair and leaned back as best she could, sighing and letting her chest collapse, folding beneath her. "Derek?" She repeated, blinking one eye open in anticipation for a response. She was exhausted, but there was something she had to know._

"_Hmm…?" His sigh was so papery and thin that she could barely identify it as a word. She sighed, picking up her hand and rubbing her temples between her fingers. _

"_You haven't…" Her voice dipped low, "You haven't talked about it." She opened both her eyes and stared at him, waiting. "I mean, you haven't really told me the whole…thing." He stared up at the ceiling, unblinking, biting his lip. "But I mean, if you're too upset, that's okay too. I get that," She said, and then hesitated. Dr. Wyatt had told her specifically not to let him avoid the subject. She sat up, and the chair creaked with her weight. Derek visually tensed, clenching his teeth. She waited for anything from him, silently begging him for some sort of hint as to what was going on in his head. _

"_All those people…" He began, and then stopped, staring upwards, frozen. His hands clenched the twisted pieces of sheets with all the strength he could gather, and he shut his eyes, his expression ridden with pain._

_She decided to take a different approach. Derek wasn't one to let down his pride, or let his feelings explode out of him. And, he had had plenty of time to process it, so he was bound to have some sort of feeling that came with it. She knotted her fingers together until they were numb. Maybe, if she tried confronting him with the subject, concise and to the point, right then and there. Maybe, if she could just force herself to get up the courage to actually do that, they'd get somewhere. She pursed her lips and leaned forward a bit, rubbing her eyes and whispering, "It wasn't your fault, Derek." The words were so profound and true, she had to bite her lip to keep herself from apologizing. Don't say your sorry, take ownership for what you're thinking, say what you need to say. _

_She waited. He picked up an arm loosely, with little strength, and dropped it on his eyes, rubbing them roughly. Meredith tensed in her seat, waiting with dry anticipation. Please, say something, Derek. Please. Anything. Any words at all. _

"_That's what… That's what everyone is telling me," He said weakly, his hand still covering his face. _

"_Because it's true, Derek." She said softly. _

_He didn't seem to hear her, but his voice grew slightly in intensity, "Those people, Meredith. Because… because he came looking for me, they're all…" His voice broke, and with it went Meredith's heart. She sucked in her breath and wished she could take away the pain. _

"_Derek…" She tried, but her words were completely helpless. He was lost in his own thoughts. _

"_Because of me," He whispered, and dropped his hand from his face. It fell from his side limply and he stared upward, biting his lip. Meredith could see a spare tear trickling down his cheek in slow motion. She choked on her own breath and forced herself to stand up on shaking legs, moving towards him. "Because of me. Because of me," He moaned, and before she knew it, he was crying. She tried to gather him in her arms, but they just weren't big enough to hold him and his heavy heart. _

"So, do you think this surgery will work?" Meredith said firmly to Derek, who was finishing prepping the husband on the table. The lights dimmed except for the few that shined down, glaring at them. Derek had his surgical gear on, including those cute little brain surgeon goggles that made Meredith putty in his hands. His face was cold today, with a hard edge she hadn't seen in a while. It seemed like the only way to talk to him was through medical jargon.

His voice was intense and serious, "I hope." He softened for a moment, and then flashed his eyes up to her, "I hope," He repeated, a deeper meaning in the words than displayed. She looked down. Her heart hurt.

_**Two Weeks After **_

"_Meredith, you're going to have to talk to me sooner or later." Meredith picked up her pace, despite the feet that trampled, running behind her. "Meredith Grey, stop now, do not make me follow you!" But Meredith did make Cristina follow her, until she reached her bathroom and shut the door behind her. She pressed her back to it, only to be flung against the bathtub by Cristina forcing the door open. She slid to the floor, sweeping her palms against the icy tiles. _

"_You're going to wake Derek up," She muttered sharply, glaring up at Cristina who pressed the door until it shut. _

"_He sleeps enough already," Meredith rolled her eyes, looking down at the ground. The bathroom was cold, and goose bumps traveled up her arms. "Now, you're going to tell me what's going on, or I'm going to go wake up McDreamy and make him talk to you." Meredith crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine. I'll go wake him and his body of achy chest issues, and I'll~"_

"_Shut up, Cristina!" She scowled, staring up at her, daring her to disagree. "You don't know anything." _

"_Or do I?" She snickered. "You haven't been acting like yourself this whole time, and you're just~" _

"_NO ONE has been acting like themselves!" Meredith shouted back, surprised at the intensity and anger dripping from her words. Cristina didn't have a comeback for that. "Derek has panic attacks, Lexie can't sleep, Dr. Bailey cries three times a day, and _you _won't step back in the hospital. Neither can I, Cristina. So why are you coming in here, demanding I tell you about problems that everyone has?" She demanded, infuriated. She shivered, hugging herself. _

"_At least everyone else it talking about it! You haven't said a word about… it." Meredith stared daggers, daring her to say the word. "You haven't said a word about your miscarriage, and I'm worried. Okay?" _

_The word stung, and Meredith put her face in her hands with a deep sigh. Cristina paced the small length of the bathroom. Meredith's voice was thick with sadness, quiet and shaking: "Maybe it's because I don't know how to react. Maybe it's because I wake up in the morning with my hand on my stomach, just out of instinct, praying that the whole thing was just a mistake. Maybe it's because I was the wife of the man I thought was dead, but who is simply just sleeping downstairs right now. Maybe it's because I'm I just don't know what to do, Cristina. I don't anymore." Meredith felt tears fall from the corners of her eyes, and she swiped her hand across her face, sniffling. _

_A sharp moan came from down the hallway, and Meredith groaned. "Great. You woke him up." _

**XXX **

It was the third time Meredith was going to check on the patient's wife, but she didn't care. The clock ticked away, each one more minute that clawed at her heart. She felt it was necessary to update the poor wife, staring at the same time on a different clock, probably clutching her purse through tears in her eyes. Maybe by then she was shaking so hard that the chair rattled. Or maybe she was so nervous that she was standing up from the chair, so scared that she couldn't bring herself to sit. Meredith knew that feeling: she knew that feeling so well that she couldn't wait any longer. She stepped back towards the exit to the scrub room, trying not to attract too much attention. It wasn't usual that one of the surgeons updated the family so often, but it was hard to go without updating someone in the one of the worst pains imaginable.

"Dr. Grey," Derek's voice cut through her thoughts, shattering them to her feet like glass. She shut her eyes, blinking, and then turned to him.

"Yes?" She asked innocently, tapping her feet.

"Where are you going?" He said, keeping his voice level, although she could tell it was painstakingly accusing.

"I'm going to give another update," She said, clearing her throat, glancing at the clock again. It was never too soon to remind someone that the person they loved the most was still stable.

"Another update?" He snickered. She cringed, taking another step back: His tone was so bitter, so nasty. She clenched her teeth, biting back words that fought to explode from her mouth. "I don't think that's necessary. I need you to be a surgeon in my OR." His voice was rising steadily.

"I am a surgeon," She said evenly, fighting to keep her emotions in check. "And I am here to help. But part of that job includes taking care of the patient's family, and making sure they know what's going on." She bit her lip, chewing on her cheek. _Don't say something you'll regret. Don't say something you'll regret. _

_Don't say it. _

"Dr. Grey," He snapped a little louder, flashing his gaze at her. "Stay. You came in here to help and to observe, and to become a better surgeon, and staying present in the surgery is an important part of that." A hint of sarcasm was hinged to his voice. Meredith ground her teeth together.

"His wife is alone and probably scared out of her mind. It's a scary situation to be in," She retorted fiercely, wringing her hands together unconsciously.

_Do. Not. Say. It. _

"I'm sure it is," He responded dryly. "But it is important that we take care of the one who is actually our _patient."_ He said it like she wasn't a surgeon, like she didn't even understand what a patient was. She felt her tight grip on her emotions loosening, and all eyes were on her now. _Hey, look, it's the married couple who can't seem to get a grip. Let's watch them fight, let's witness them abuse each other with their words. _

"You know what, Derek?" She began, her voice raising slightly, her words clear and cool and crisp. He paused from his surgery, eyeing her deeply, and she took a sharp exhale. That voice that was screaming not to tell her was lost in the shuffle, and she felt something snap inside of her. "It's a _horrible_ situation. You wouldn't know, because you weren't there. Oh wait, you were there: You just weren't the wife who tried to sacrifice herself for her husband." Tears bit at her eyes and she couldn't look at him anymore. "You weren't the wife who told the man who wanted to kill her husband to shoot her instead, because she couldn't bare to live without him. And Derek, you're not the one who had to witness her husband 'dying' on the table, in order to save his life." With that she choked on her words, spun on her heels, and hurled herself out of the OR before she started crying.

Derek was completely and utterly frozen, stunned blind at her words. His hands were shaking violently, that instruments trembling up and down, and his breath grew shuddery and hollow. He was stupid. And he had been blind, absorbed in everything else. _This _is why she had been so upset lately, _this _is why she was obsessed with the patient's wife. His knees shook too, and his insides churned, swishing so violently that he felt a wave of nausea slap him. "I need a minute…" He choked out, letting the instruments clatter to the OR table beside him, only before he ran out of the OR into the cool air of the scrub room. His breaths were shallow and rapid as he tried to grip on to more oxygen. He put both of his palms up to the wall and shut his eyes, leaning his body into it, panicking from the shock of everything that pounded on him, crumbling beside him, all at once.

Meredith didn't come back for the remainder of the surgery.

**XXX **

Derek had had time to gather his thoughts. After he had finished the surgery and gone to tell the wife the good news, he sat. He sat for a _long time, _planted aimlessly on the top stair of the back stairwell. He had stared at the flecks of chipping paint that peeled off the wall, stared at the dust that danced around the tiled floor, waiting for some sort of realization to happen. Nothing did happen: He realized that everything he was looking for had been right in front of him.

And now he stood, leaning against the door opening to the catwalk, looking out on Meredith as she leaned on the bar, staring out towards the group of humming students and flickering candles. She couldn't see him, and that's all he knew. She had an expression, though, a certain expression that he couldn't pinpoint. It was a mix of pain and confusion, her eyebrows scrunched together and her mouth tight and unhappy. Her hair hung limply over her shoulder. He took a step. And then another, until he was treading towards him.

But what was he going to say to her? What she had said was right. He had been ignoring her, being a jerk and blowing her off. He knew why, though. It was because he was afraid of his feelings. He hated to admit it, but it was true: The fear that, if he took a minute to talk to Meredith, he would let himself loose. That he would lose himself, a victim to his own emotions, and become the weakling who couldn't keep himself in check. That he would be too upset with everything to support his wife.

But was he even supporting her now? No. He was focusing on Cristina, which wasn't okay in the least. Meredith was his wife. And that was what mattered the most, no matter what. Maybe Cristina was showing it more, but he had this feeling that Meredith went through more trauma than any of them. She did, and she deserved more than what he was doing to-

"Derek?" A voice interrupted his thoughts, and he then realized he had glided all the way to Meredith's side. He stopped abruptly. Her voice grew flat and weary as she ran her hands through her hair, and she sighed nonchalantly, "I came here to be alone." Derek's throat was dry. He didn't know what to say. Words escaped him and his vocabulary was lacking, and the simple task of forming a word seemed impossible. Meredith rolled her eyes, "I said, I _came _here to be _alone," _She snickered, averting her eyes from him and gazing back out to the group of people holding the flickering lights in front of them. Say something, Derek told himself. _Say something. _

But what if he said the wrong thing? What if he didn't have any words? What if he ruined everything? But sometimes, saying something was better than saying nothing all. "No."

"Excuse me?" She snorted, not looking at him at all.

"No, Meredith," His voice shook, although he struggled to keep it even. "You've been alone for long enough, and I'm not leaving you to sit here by yourself again."

Meredith eyed him for a second, but flicked her gaze off in front of her again. "Derek, just go away," She whispered, as if the words were a strain for her to say.

"No." He said, firmer. "No. I've been ignoring you. I've been blowing you off. I've been spending more time with your best friend than you. I've been treating her wounds like they were deeper than your own. And I've been pretending like you didn't go through anything," He took a deep breath. "But Meredith, you went though more than anyone else." She looked down, biting her lip, and her breath quivered in her throat. Derek heard it. He spoke softer. "Meredith, look at me. Please, look at me."

"No," She whimpered, trembling, staring at her hands.

"Meredith." He repeated. He raised his hand and gently cupped her head beneath it, feeling her warmth that radiated from his chin. He tilted her head up to his, only to painfully meet her glassy eyes. "Meredith, I'm so sorry. I just…" He paused, gulping a wad of bile that was bobbing at the back of his throat. "I didn't know what to say. I didn't think… I've been stupid and ignorant and a jerk, and a bad husband. And you deserve better than that. Meredith, you deserve so much better." He faltered again, and his voice broke. "I'm sorry," He stuttered, tripping over his words.

She paused for a second, letting all of the harsh reality sink in. He was being sincere. He was her husband, and from the moment she looked into his tortured eyes, she knew he was telling her the truth. He really did love her, and she knew it. She looked up at him, eyes large and lip trembling. "I know. I know, Derek," She whispered, looking down. Her legs shook. "You were a jerk."

"I was," He admitted, the words burning his throat. "I wish, I wish I could make it up to you. I wish I could be a better husband." His eyes stung and he averted his gaze to the ground.

"I forgive you," She said, her voice small. "I do. I know you're trying."

"But I don't know how. I wish… I wish I could make all the pain go away, all of _your_ pain go away. But I…" He gulped, his insides churning as he curled his fingers around the railing of the catwalk. "All that… it all happened to you, Meredith. I would give anything to make you forget it, to erase if from your brain. But I…" He gulped again, and his emotions shattered to pieces. Tears fogged his vision, "…I can't. I can't."

She sucked in her breath. He really did feel bad. Her head throbbed, thinking of what he had revealed to him hours earlier, remembering the whole scene: The fight in the OR, the staring of the witnesses, and then the release of her secret. Her voice shook and she touched his forearm lightly, feeling the tense, hot muscles, "Derek, it's okay. I know you're trying. I wish you had been there, I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat that. But Derek, I love you, and I always will. You made a mistake. And you really are trying. I can see that in your eyes."

_You're a good man. I can see that in your eyes. _

Derek let out an upset gasp, somewhere between a sigh and a cry, and moaned, "You went through all that. You went through all that and I haven't been there for you."

"Derek, stop," She said tearfully, grasping both of his forearms and trying to duck her head to look into his averted gaze. "It's okay, I~"

"Stop saying that!" He exclaimed, recoiling. "I was mean. I was a mean, insensitive jerk, and all while you have been hiding this. It's been bottled up inside of you and I didn't even notice…" He panted, running his hands through his hair.

"Derek, listen to me now," She ordered, grasping his forearms again. "Look at me," She snapped. He obliged dryly, blinking, trying to hide the tears. "I went through something. I did. And I'm terrified. But Derek, you went through something too: Remember that. You went through…" He looked down. "You went through something horrible. Terrible. _You _haven't talked about it. Do you think I don't worry about you too? You're hiding how scared you are." He shut his eyes and grimaced. "Do you think I haven't noticed that? We need to go through this together."

"I'm sorry." He whispered, looking back up at her and blinking. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Oh, Derek…" She murmured back, her voice breaking. She stared up at him to meet his unwavering gaze. "I love you." They pulled each other into a tight embrace, holding closely, chest on chest, cries on cries. Their form fit together perfectly, as they were meant to be together. And they knew it. "We just have to…" Her voice broke, and it took her a second to realize that she was crying, too. "We have to do this together. We have to help each other. We can't just leave each other broken. Okay?" She said, her voice muffled into his shoulder. He held her tighter.

"Okay. Okay." He whispered into her hair, dusted with the scent of lavender. They stood like that for a moment, unchanging, holding each other tighter than they had in a very long time. When they pulled back, Meredith smiled softly, tears in her eyes as she sniffled. His heart cracked, but he managed to pull a shaking thumb up to her face and swipe the tears off. She looked at him, her face held by his strong hands. "You know what we're going to do?"

"What?" She asked, her voice thick.

"We're going to have a baby," He responded, and he kissed her. "We're going to start a family. The house is almost done, Meredith. And we're going to get through this. We're going to walk this road of recovery until the fear is gone. And we're going to do it together. I know we will." He kissed her again, and she sniffled into his shirt, twisting the fabric of it into her tiny palms. "How does that sound?"

"That sounds fine, Derek," She whispered back, her voice quivering. "That sounds absolutely extraordinary."

**_A/N: So, what did you think? Would you like me to continue? Please, if you could, let me know what you think by reviewing. Thank you for reading!_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Thanks so much for reading! And, of course, thank you all for your lovely comments :) I have decided to continue this story, officially, thanks to you guys. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Feedback is EXTREMELY appreciated!**_

"_Derek! Hang on!" _

_Meredith ran and ran until her legs burned and muscles pumped with exhilaration, the blood coursing throughout her veins frantically. Her heart pumped, her lungs were gasping for more oxygen to enrich her body. She begged, pleading for more air, panting wildly, trying to catch her breath. The catwalk seemed to go on forever, though. The longer she stared ahead, the longer the distance stretched. She could hear his moans of pain and discomfort, and the clear, audible sounds of his frantic gasping traveled through her ears and snaked their way into her heart. Each pained breath that bubbled from his breath made her own heart shatter. Her sneakers were pounding against the floor beneath her, but she couldn't hear them. Her ears were only finely tuned to the sounds that Derek made. The gunshot still rang in her ears. She gave no thoughts to how hard she could have shoved Cristina. She didn't care, because none of it mattered anymore. She had to get to him._

_She had to get to Derek._

_By the time she came up next to him, she skidded to a stop, dropping on her knees, and immediately placing hands on his chest where the scarlet was the darkest. She pressed, leaning her full body weight onto the wound, grinding her teeth with the force. Derek choked on his own breath and looked up at her, clearly in a daze, eyes staring at nothing in particular. He was pale. His breaths were ragged and shallow, dry and empty, and Meredith felt tears come to her eyes all over again, blurring her vision. She felt a cry escape her throat. Pull yourself together, she told herself: Be strong for him, and be strong for your child._

_He was babbling aimlessly. "Mr. Clark…" She could barely make out the words. Her legs shook, and momentarily she felt as if she was going to faint. "No," He moaned, shutting his eyes, his breath laced with unadulterated pain. His face twisted, contorted with agony. _

"_Derek," She cried, seeing her own hand become covered in the red liquid that crept between the cracks of her fingers. He didn't respond, just fluttered his short eyelashes and moaned. Meredith ran her tongue over her lips, and her voice cut like ice, "Derek, Derek come on. Can you hear me? Please." She pleaded with such intensity that she didn't recognize her own voice. _

_He gasped and sputtered on his own breath. He needed an oxygen mask, and he didn't have one. They were in a hospital, the place where you were supposed to feel safest in the world, and it had turned into a war zone. Nowhere was safe. Derek needed an oxygen mask for his broken body, and there were oxygen masks all around them. And Meredith couldn't get one. She would have laughed at the irony if it weren't so unspeakably terrible. _

"_Derek," She tried again, and her fingers slipped slightly. She leaned her weight and pressed a little harder, trying to get a better grip on him and his injury. "Derek, Derek," She repeated over and over. She flicked her eyes up momentarily, her teeth stuck up together in fear as she scanned the area. Mr. Clark was gone. It was silent in an eerie, chilling way, the kind that made her want to scream just to break the unnatural quiet. "Derek, listen to me. You have to listen to me." _

"_Meredith…" He moaned, and she gasped, a sudden feeling of lightness tickling the underside of her chest: He was actually acknowledging. But his voice was so thick with pain and fear that she felt herself tremble. "Get out of here, before he… you too…" He coughed again, and she could barely feel as he picked up his limp hand and put it on top of hers. Her heart broke for the both of them, and her teeth chattered at the iciness of his voice. She pressed harder. He coughed brokenly again. _

"_I picked you, I chose you," She said furiously, biting her words off sharply at the end for emphasis, her voice tremulous and increasing in volume. "Do. Not. Die." She said again, loudly, and forcefully. The bleeding was intensifying, and she pressed harder, putting her entire body into the motion. He cried out, and she could feel him begin to struggle. His body clenched with pain and he writhed underneath the pressure. "Derek Shepherd, I know it hurts, but you need to breathe. Breathe NOW, Derek!" She yelled, and he cried out again. Her hands were slathered with red. _

_She could hear light footsteps run up behind her, but they were too late to be Clark's. It was Cristina, clearly, and Meredith didn't have to turn around to see the shocked expression on her face. She just stayed focused on Derek, his breathing becoming more shallow and labored. Cristina began to frantically murmur behind her, "What are we going to do?"_

"_Someone's coming, someone will come," She told herself, although she knew the truth. _

"_No. Meredith, not in time," Cristina stuttered. She ran her hands through her hair and began to raise the pitch of her terrified voice. "Meredith, what are we going to do? Mer…Meredith…" Meredith didn't know._

_Meredith. _

_Meredith. _

_Meredith. _

"Meredith," The voice said again, only this time it was lower pitched and more forceful, rising in intensity. Her eyes opened and were met with bright, piercing rays of unexpected light. She wasn't on the catwalk, and she wasn't pressing her hands into Derek's gaping flesh. She stared up at the ceiling, panting, her fingers twisted, tangled in the soft white sheets. Derek lay next to her. Breathing normally. Not in pain. Awake. Alert. "Meredith," He said again, now aware that she was awake. She blinked and turned to face him, swallowing her breaths.

"What?" She said. Her voice was raw and laced with sleep. She picked her arm up and rubbed her face tiredly, forcing to mask a yawn. Derek's brows were knitted together in worry and confusion.

"Oh," He let out an exhale he had obviously been holding in. "You're okay. You were dreaming," He said flatly, letting out a small smile of relief and running his hands tiredly through his hair. He propped himself up on an elbow and faced her. "I mean… _are _you okay?" His statement had turned into a question. Meredith sighed.

"I'm fine," She leaned over and placed a kiss on the bridge of his nose tenderly, a good morning gesture. She smiled. "See? Fine." It wasn't convincing in the least, and she knew it well. She ignored it, though. Her eyes drifted downwards and she distracted herself by staring down at a wrinkle in the fabric. Derek noticed her downcast expression and studied her solemn face.

"You're beautiful," He echoed, placing a kiss on her forehead gently, but then he finished his sentence quietly, "But you're not fine." She sighed, aimlessly staring at the wrinkle and picking out the parts where the threads poked out messily. "Meredith…Lexie had said that she thought you were…"

"I don't care what Lexie said." Her eyes flashed.

"But she's your sist~"

She cut him off, "She's _not. _She's…Lexie. She doesn't know me, as much as she claims she does. Derek, I swear Lexie doesn't know what she's talking about half the time," She half-joked. Derek sighed, and she was almost positive he was going to continue on the subject. "Enough talk about Lexie."

She wasn't in the mood to have some sort of deep emotional talk that morning. She flicked her eyes up at him and before he could say another word, she dove over and pressed her lips against his, forcefully but lovingly. He obliged, clearly confused but enjoying the sudden attention he was gaining. Meredith rolled over so she was on top of him, squeezing him and hugging him tightly. Their embrace was warm and comfortable and full of love and adulation, and this distracted Derek from their almost-deep talk that they had been discussing. She kissed him deeply and he kissed her back, their tongues dancing through their smiles. "Meredith…" He mumbled, but his words were lost in his throat as he deepened the kiss.

She reached onto his head and drew her fingers through his hair, heading towards the nape of his neck. She placed kisses his cheek, and then his forehead, and then his lips again as she ran her hands through his silky curls. He returned the favor as he kissed her neck passionately, savoring her sweet skin that made his lips tingle. He ran his hands down her spine, letting her fingers swipe her shirt ever so gently, until he could place his hands comfortably on her hips. She ran her hands down his chest and kissed his neck in return, and a small moan escaped from his lips. The room disappeared, and soon it was just them, kissing and smiling in their own little world. They hadn't kissed like that in a long time, and Meredith felt some of the old routine come back to her, and it really felt amazing.

They caught their breaths and Meredith rolled away from him, staring at the ceiling and licking her lips. Derek was about to do the same, but instead, he found himself looking back over at Meredith. He scanned his eyes across her, as if he was analyzing every bit of her, looking _into _her, and she shifted under the sheets. She considered diving on him and starting all over again, but she knew she'd catch on eventually. "Meredith…" He began again, softly.

She abruptly planted a kiss on his cheek but swung her legs around the bed and landed them on the cold floor with a thud. She looked at Derek, flipping her hair over her shoulder and plastering on her best, fake, beaming smile. "I'm going to brush my teeth, and all those good things, okay?" But it wasn't a question. She jumped and wobbled on her feet, straightening up until she was standing. She ran her hands, tussling her hair roughly and grinning at him, cocking her head to the side, her hands on her hips.

He grinned softly at her, amazed by her simple beauty, but began to protest, "Meredith."

"I'll be back. Maybe, if you want to, you can go make pancakes or something. Then we wouldn't have to eat muesli, right?" She began to back away slowly, the smile still plastered onto her face, refusing to give way. "And there's always more where that came from," She said softly, teasing, pursing her lips: _Kiss me. _She felt her smile begin to lose its charming quality, and she backed all the way out of the room as Derek gave up in his protests and muttered a feeble _okay. _By the time she reached the bathroom, the smile was gone, and a deep frown replaced it.

She shut the door behind her and twisted until it clicked in place. Meredith took a deep inhale, shutting her eyes, pressing her back against the wood door for some sort of support. It seemed that all she needed these days was support, and she hated that feeling. Her legs shook slightly.

She looked across from herself to her form in the mirror, and visibly grimaced. Her eyes displayed smudged thin lines of eyeliner, or whatever makeup she had worn the day before, and her skin no longer displayed concealed foundation. Her hair was a mess, sticking out from every which end, puffed up in uneven places. Her bangs hung limply, falling over her eyes. When she blinked, she could feel the ends of the hair flutter with her eyelashes. She shoved them out of her eyes and blinked again, touching the ends of her hair. They were dry and papery. She needed new conditioner.

She crouched on her knees and swung open the small cabinet below the mirror. It smelled like a aroma of dust and soap, and she cringed, sending her hand into the depths to fumble with the bottles and boxes that filled it. Conditioner, she needed conditioner. Preferably lavender: That was Derek's favorite. Maybe if she smelled good, it would at least distract him from the severity of her split ends.

Distract. She was starting to repeat that word a lot, and it was beginning to make her a little worried. Generally, that wasn't the kind of word that was meant to be repeated over….and over. She shook the thoughts out of her head and peeked underneath the sink, beginning to get frustrated that her intent search was coming up empty.

Her hands grazed past bottles of body wash, probably more than they actually _needed, _a few cans of shaving cream, not that they ever actually had time to shave their legs, a few boxes of feminine products- As Derek called them, clearly awkward. She pushed past other bottles of body spray, a few spare deodorants, and other bottles she recognized. She licked her lips and pushed deeper, fumbling around in the corners, until she found a small, long, thin box that she didn't remember ever purchasing. She twisted her fingers around the cardboard and pulled it out of the dark abyss, grunting in triumph. Until she saw what she had grabbed.

A pregnancy test.

Her first instinct was to go yell at whoever bought the thing because they didn't have space for small junk like that all scattered along the house, and that they already had enough, but her eyes were frozen on the label. A woman, clearly exaggerating her happiness, looked startled as she held one of those in her hand. Her expression was slightly crazy, her eyes too wide to be legitimately surprised, and her teeth were too white that she considered she was wearing fake teeth. Maybe she was.

Meredith grinded her teeth together and stared. If _she _was pregnant, she wouldn't be so fake. She wouldn't be pseudo-excited. She wouldn't pretend to smile. She would be the happiest person in the world. She wouldn't have to fake being overjoyed. She _would _be, and Derek would be holding her, and they would be crying: Not from fear or sadness, but from immense happiness and amazement, from overwhelming joy. She wouldn't be sitting alone, smiling pointlessly at a stick. She would be dancing. Jumping. Shocked, but still breathing. Scared, but still ecstatic.

Meredith ran her fingers across the test and streaked away the dust. The label spelled out: _Pregnancy Test. Quick, clear, easy to read results! _Meredith felt like laughing to herself. Quick, clear, easy? Those words sounded more like the antonyms of pregnancy, or, trying to _get _pregnant. The act itself was long and hard.

"Meredith!" Derek's voice traveled up from the bottom of the stairs. "Breakfast!"

"I'll be there in a minute," She called back down, her voice sounding unfamiliar in her own ears.

She hesitated for a moment. She hadn't checked for a week. A week. It could have changed, right? Maybe something happened. Maybe. _Maybe. _

She gingerly tucked her fingers underneath the cardboard folds that ceiled the rectangular box shut on both ends and flicked them open, allowing entrance to the hollow tube with the white stick that jutted out, contrasting the black inside of the box. With trembling hands she reached in, slipping the stick in between her fingers and pulling it out. The box dropped, clattering to the floor when she released it, but her eyes were locked on the pastel white stick. It had a cover over it on one end, and the other displayed a small screen. It would either display _pregnant _or _not pregnant. _Clear. Easy. Or, whatever. But those words were _everything. _

She stood up and tucked her free hand fingers into her waistband of her pajama pants and pulled down, sitting down on the chilly toilet seat and waiting. Months ago she would have thought that it was humiliating and disgusting, but now that she wanted it more than anything, it was just a small step on the path to get there. If peeing on a stick to no end was what it took for her to get her baby, she'd do it.

She felt her body's waste trickle out, and she dipped the stick underneath her, shutting her eyes and hoping it received what it needed to give her some sort of result. By the time she was done, she didn't even open her eyes as she brought it up and set it on the counter of the sink. She flushed, washed her hands, did everything without even glancing at it. She stared into the mirror at her reflection, a glimmer of hope that she wished didn't exist flickering in the corner of her eye.

She wanted a baby so bad. _So bad. _She could not even put it into words or form tangible sentences. She wanted more than anything at that moment. It scared the heck out of her, but that was part of the beauty of it all. She wanted a being inside of her. She wanted Derek to kiss and talk to her belly. She wanted to be able to scream and swear until her throat went dry in the delivery room. She wanted to hold a child- her child- in her arms, cradle it and protect it and keep it safe. She wanted a family.

Time elapsed, and Meredith took a sharp inhale. One word. One word could change everything- one word would make her miracle come true. One word... She glanced downward, her heart thundering in her chest so loudly it rang in her ears.

_Not pregnant. _

The small glimmer of hope she had held onto once again disintegrated, and her heart dropped like a rock into her stomach. She shivered and picked the stick up, staring at the words, her heartbeat slowing to a murmur. Not pregnant. There was no baby inside of her, there was no child coming, nothing. She wasn't going to get to tell Derek that she was pregnant, because she wasn't. She couldn't smile and be oblivious to everything in the world like the crazy woman on the box. She couldn't do any of it, because it wasn't her life.

She sank down, back against the shower door, holding the stick in her shaking hands. _Not pregnant. _Again. If it happened after more then ten tries, would it make a difference if she tried thirteen? Fourteen? Twenty? Would it make a difference to check anyway? Did it even matter? Was there even any hope left for her to use up?

She stared at every little letter that the screen displayed, frozen, her eyes stuck on the very words that made her want to give up on everything. Derek was optimistic. Or was he? She couldn't see past the invisible porcelain mask that he had been wearing, hiding all his feelings inside. She wanted him to let it out, but she didn't know… Everything was too confusing. She couldn't think straight. She stared ahead.

"Meredith? If you don't come, the~" Derek said as he knocked, an then pushed the bathroom door open, revealing Meredith staring at the small stick she held in her hands. "Is that a…" He began. She didn't even nod. He could see the letters from there: And if he couldn't, he could feel exactly what they said. He frowned deeply. "Meredith?" He echoed, looking down at him. She didn't look up, of course: Just stared at the thing in her hands.

"I want a baby, Derek," She said, her voice flat and distant.

"I know."

"No, Derek, I want a baby… So bad. Derek. I want a baby so bad." She repeated over and over, reiterating the words, her voice raising slightly in pitch.

He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and looked at her with a concerned expression. "Meredith, I know."

"I _want _a _baby," _She said again, her body trembling as she stared off into the area laid out in front of her. Derek frowned deeper, but slowly crouched until he was sitting next to her on the cold floor, trying to get her to look into his eyes. He glanced at the stick, just to be sure, just to be sure that he wasn't wrong. He wasn't. _Not pregnant. _

"I know, I know you do Mer, I do too," He said gently, and he reached to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear for her. Her teeth chattered, and she shook.

"It says not pregnant," She said slowly, absorbing the words. "Again, Derek. It says not pregnant. Oh my gosh. What if I never get pregnant? What if I can't? What if test after test, I get those two words? What if I never get pregnant? Then we won't have a baby. If I don't… If I don't get pregnant, we won't have a family. We won't have a child. _I _won't have a child. _You won't. _We won't. If I don't get pregnant. What if I don't, Derek?" Her breathing increased, and she dropped the stick to the ground. It clanged and spun on the ground, and she stared ahead, her lower lip trembling. "Or what if I do get pregnant, but I lose it again? Derek. What about that?"

"Meredith, look at me," He said firmly, but she didn't oblige to his command. "Meredith Grey, look at me now. Now." He repeated, a little louder, but she was still staring ahead into the empty space in front of her. He reached up and grasped her chin in his warm palm, and then turned her head for her to face him. Her eyes were glassy with tears, and that broke his heart. He swallowed thickly, but kept his voice level as he looked into her eyes. "I know what you're going through is unbelievable. I know it's indescribable, and I know right now the only thing that you're feeling is emptiness. I know that, okay?" She gulped. "I wish I could relate. I do. I'm not going to say I lie and say I've been there before. But I do know what it's like to feel like you're doing everything in your power to make something happen, and it just won't. I do know that. And I know it's awful, one of the worst feelings in the world."

"But Meredith, you have to keep going. Even when things like this happen. Even when there are bumps in the road. I'm not going to…lie and promise that something will happen. I know that hasn't been helping you." He bit his lip to see a tear drip from her eyes that had overfilled. "But what I can say is that I want a baby. You want a baby. And we are going to do _everything _possible in our power to make that happen. Like I said, I can't guarantee anything, Meredith, and I wish I could. I wish I could…" He looked into her eyes and used the pad of his thumb to swipe the tears from her cheek. "…but I do know that you are the love of my life. We are _meant _to be together. And we are _meant _to start a family. Meredith, we are going to start a family. After everything we've been through, we're going to start a family. We can't give up. We just have to keep going."

Meredith looked into his eyes and bit her quivering lip. He was sincere, and he was telling the truth, telling her the raw thoughts that floated around in his brain. He wasn't sugarcoating anything, and yet those words he spoke were some of the most comforting Meredith had ever heard. He really _did _care about her. He wanted the best, and he wanted a family with her just as much as she did. "I just…" She tried, but she faltered, and she burst into tears.

"I know," He whispered, pulling her into his arms. "I know." He held her, rocked her, rubbed her back and kissed her hair. He cradled her, wishing only that he could protect her from all of the bad in the world, wishing that he could make this one thing she wanted so badly to happen, happen. This was something Meredith wanted so, _so _badly.

And he then vowed that he would do everything in his power to make it happen, no matter what.

_**A/N: So, what did you think? I would really love it if you commented :) But, either way, thank you all so much for reading! **_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews! It encourages me to write so much, and knowing people read this is one of the things that makes posting on here so rewarding. I hope you enjoy this chapter! **_

_Tap, tap, tap. _

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"The tapping, Meredith. Your foot. It's tapping faster, and faster, and~"

"I am _not _tapping my foot."

A pause.

_Tap, tap, tap. _

"Meredith!"

Meredith scoffed and rolled her eyes, folding her hands over her chest with a huff. She crossed her legs and bounced her right one on her left to keep it from making the noise that was apparently driving Derek up the wall. She eyed him, "Happy?"

He reached across the armrest and put a warm palm on her arm. He smiled lightly, reassuringly, "It's okay to be nervous."

"I am _not _nervous!" She snapped back at him, glaring at him for a second, and then flashing back to the poster on the wall across from her. The room that smelled like powder and perfume was plastered with women on posters, most of them holding their bellies or wrapped up in some lucky husbands arms. There were a few cradling an invisible baby wrapped in pink and blue swaddle blankets, a few sitting there doing nothing but looking deep in thought.

The small wood side table on her other side held a plastic see through container holding ten to fifteen different pamphlets with lacy, flowery displays. _How do I know I'm pregnant?... Safe Sex gone Awry: What to do and how to consider your options… Why am I so emotional?... Do I need to take birthing classes?... Eat this, not that. _

It had been Derek's brilliant idea to return to a fertility specialist to find out if she had gone completely infertile. She needed to know. The last O.B had told her that if she didn't feel like she'd made any progress in a while, she should be concerned: And she was. She was extremely, incredibly concerned.

She feared the worst: That the doctor would tell them that there was nothing to be done, that options didn't exist, that she had to keep trying, end of story. She was afraid that their only glimmer of hope they held onto would be swept from under their feet, afraid that their worst fears would indeed be realized, officially. She had taken a few tests when they first got there, clearly nervous, and waiting for the results seemed to be taking forever.

What if the doctor told them there was no hope? What if there was nothing to be done? What if she couldn't get pregnant after all? She and Derek could only hang onto so much hope by themselves, in reality. It was unrealistic to be so happy and positive all the time, constantly, in Meredith's opinion. They couldn't be blinded. They had to work to overcome this bump in the road. Derek kept as hopeful as he could, but Meredith could tell it was hard, even for him. He managed to keep them both a little uplifted, though, and was very supportive: She was so grateful for that. "Deep breaths," He said.

"You try taking deep breaths when you're pretty much positive you can't have a baby." She huffed, dryly, but to hurt. He sighed and rubbed his face with his palm, tired.

"Meredith…"

"I have a feeling, Derek," She warned tensely. "And I know feelings pretty well. And the outcome doesn't look good." She didn't mean to be so brutally honest, but she couldn't help herself. The dull pain of doubt throbbed inside her. "The reason we're coming here is basically to professionally be told that I can't have our baby."

"That's not true!"

"Don't," She said, and looked away.

"_Derek?" Meredith said as she opened the door to his makeshift office slowly, and it creaked quietly. "Derek, you've been in here all…" She floated to his side as he scrolled on his computer, and her mouth went dry. She swallowed. "…night." _

_The glowing page that interrupted the darkness of the room had a title in blocky letters: _Hostile Uterus: Possible Infertility. _He spun, his eyes wide and tinted red from staring at the desk all night. His hands flew from the keyboard, sending papers scattering and fluttering to the floor. The desk chair scooted from its place with a cringe-worthy scraping sound, and he gulped, suddenly panting and sputtering. "Oh- Mer- I was just… research on… I mean, not that I think that it will… It didn't…" His words dripped with something along the lines of guilt. Her mouth was dry. _

"_You said…" Her voice sounded strange and unfamiliar. She licked her lips. "You said you had faith. You… you said you were optimistic. You said it'd be okay." _

_Derek's eyes were still wide as he sucked in his breath. He reached his hands out to take her arms, "I… Meredith, I do, I do have faith, I was just doing some… research, and I…" She backed away from his hand, which he twisted into an empty fist. His jaw dropped. "Meredith." _

"_Don't," She said, and her voice cracked. "You promised that you believed in me… And you're looking up the most negative outcome possible," She flicked her hand and pointed to one of the scattered notes. "You're… you're writing down the symptoms of possible… infertility? You think I can't have a baby. I knew it. I knew it!" She yelled, unable to contain her emotions. Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. _

"_Meredith!" He pleaded, taking another step towards her. "I just… I just wanted to be sure that~"_

"_~that __**what, **__Derek? That I can still have your baby? That I'm not infertile?" She backed up, shaking her head, her lips taut in disbelief and dismay. "I thought you had faith in me. I thought you were optimistic. I thought that you still believed I could make us into a family. I guess… I was wrong." Her voice shook as it grew slowly in intensity. _

"_Meredith," His voice was breaking now, dipping with emotion. "Please." _

"_I can't believe you!" She shouted as tears fell down from her eyes, cascading down her cheeks slowly and dauntingly. She spun on her heels and she ran, her heels stomping against the wood floor, slamming the door behind her and scrambling down the stairs. Her stomped down the stairs and her fingers slipped around the railing. Ragged coughs chuffed from her lungs as she pounded down the staircase, hearing Derek's steps follow her own, creating echoes in the house as he tried to catch up. _

_She spun away from the first stair, trampling into the foyer of the house, her heart pounding loudly in her chest. She shoved her feet into her moccasins, gripped the clanging keys in her hands. It just then occurred to her, with her heart throbbing in her ears… Where was she going? Why was she leaving? Why would she even consider that? She reached her hand out and wrapped it around the handle of the front door, prepared to turn it, to open the gateway to her great escape, but Derek's sharp command echoed from behind her. "Wait. Stop." _

_She stood frozen, her hand locked around the doorknob, unmoving. She shut her eyes, tears still slipping from underneath her closed eyes, and pursed her lips. He walked closer to her, moving behind her, his words slow and carefully chosen. "Meredith. Let go of the doorknob." Her legs shook beneath her. "Please. Meredith, just… let go." She slowly shook her head, biting her lip, eyes still shut. She could feel his warm hand envelope hers tightly as he gently pulled her grip from the doorknob, her hand shaking, her body trembling. She dropped her hand to her side and blinked, face to face with him, who stared back at her with such love and adoration she couldn't bring herself to believe that she had just yelled at him. _

"_I'm sorry," He started, his voice loaded with sincerity. "I really do believe we will have a kid. I just… today, at work, I heard people talking about how one of their patients had a miscarriage, and I was just thinking about you, and all of the… possibilities… that could happen, and I don't know what came over me. I got worried, and I…" His voice grew gradually softer, gentler, and Meredith sniffled. He reached up and cupped her face in his hands, his expression folding into concern, "…I didn't mean to upset you this much. I will always be here for you. I just wanted to be aware of everything. I'm so sorry." His voice was small, "Please don't go." _

"_No," She sighed, dragging her hand across her damp cheeks. "No, you shouldn't be apologizing. I would never even think of walking out of here… You know that, right?" She lifted her face to look at him. "Please, remember that. I overreacted. I really, really, overreacted. You're allowed to want to know about my condition and you're allowed to be worried. Derek, I'm sorry." _

_He paused, rubbed her cheek, and smiled softly. "It's okay. I know it's been hard on you. It's been hard on me too."_

"_It's… It's these stupid fertility pills I've been taking," She sputtered. "They make me emotional. Over emotional. I overreacted… way too much. I'm sorry. I really am. Can you forgive me?" _

Meredith picked up a random pamphlet and leafed through it, tears making her 20/20 vision fuzzy.

"_Of course. I love you." _

"_Would you…" She looked down, wringing her hands together. "Would you still love me if I couldn't have our baby?"_

"_Meredith, yes. Don't you ever doubt that. Hear me? Never."_

"Meredith Grey?" One of the doctors called from the front of the waiting area, and it startled Meredith. She let out a small gasp and dropped her foot the floor, sending the piece of paper scattering to the ground. "We have your test results. Could you come with us, please?"

Derek's ears perked up as he sat beside her, and he threw his gaze to look at her. She gulped and forced her frozen legs to move. They seemed to not want to grip the floors, but Derek took her arm from beside her and pulled her up, holding her swaying body as steady as he could. She swallowed the lump of bile that perched at the back of her throat and forced her feet to shuffle forward, through the door that Derek held open for her and past the receptionist desk area. He nudged her forward, following the pretty blonde nurse to one of the back rooms, past close exam room doors and open conference rooms with desks and cribs.

They were lead into what looked like an office, a large dark mahogany desk in the center of the room in front of another desk that was tall against the back wall. Pictures benevolent to children and happiness and the playful joy that everyone wished in their lives dotted the back corkboard with pink pins stuck messily to hold them up. Meredith was beginning to abjure the pictures of the blindly happy models.

They settled in the two brown chairs on the opposite side of the desk, facing the empty swivel chair on the other side. The nurse chattered something about the doctor being in momentarily to speak with them. Meredith glanced at Derek, who held his face propped up in some of his fingers, like he usually did when he was waiting for something. When he caught her gaze he smiled softly, reassuringly, back at her. She stared at the desk in front of her. A gold placard stated in proud letters, _Dr. Christine Johnson. _Nothing more, not boasting any credentials, simply stating an identity.

Then, right on cue, the woman entered the room. She was new to Meredith and Derek- Bailey had referred them to her. Her brown hair was pulled up into a short, unruly ponytail, and her makeup looked like it could have been done by a makeup artist. Her eyes were tinted with a bright green color, and her smile was welcoming, and enveloped the room with warmth. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and used a free hand to extend to shake Meredith and Derek. "Hello, Doctor Christine Johnson, nice to meet you. Meredith Grey, and Derek…" Her eyes flicked to her chart. "…Shepherd." They let go of her handshake and she scooted into the chair behind the desk. "Sorry I wasn't the one to do the tests," She said apologetically, smiling sympathetically and looking at both of them. "I had some personal things to attend to this morning, but I was very happy to know that Miranda referred you both to me. She obviously likes you both." She swallowed and placed the chart on the desk, just beyond where Derek could read the scribbled writing, and began to pull up something on the computer. "Hang on," She said gently, biting her lip as her long nails began to click away on the keyboard.

Derek nodded, but the chart was the predominant point of his vision. He stared at it, his gaze unwavering as he attempted to squint. He wondered what would happen if he just reached out and grabbed it, reading the results by himself, scanning the nurses notes, drawing his own conclusions instead of letting a stranger tell him. He tried to keep his facial expression average with maximum indifference, but the anxiety was clawing at him viciously. Meredith's foot was tapping beside him. Again.

"So," Dr. Johnson said. Her voice was thin and bright and unwavering, but it didn't seem like she was unrealistically positive or blindly happy. Bailey wouldn't be friends with someone like that, their personalities would be too different. Her eyes flew down the page she was reading on the computer. "It says that you were diagnosed with a hostile uterus, otherwise known as Hostile Cervical Mucus. You know what that means right?" She paused. Meredith and Derek nodded, but she continued anyway. "Generally, your case looks like the big problem is that your cervical mucus is unusually thick and viscous, which limits sperm penetration and the chance of fertilizing an egg. You already know that, and I'm guessing that you have already taken some steps to hopefully increase the chance of getting pregnant. Can you give me an example?" She lifted her gaze to Meredith and eyed her, grabbing a pen to write extra notes on the chart.

Meredith spoke softly, sadly regarding their attempts, "Well, I've been eating healthier. And we make sure to… try to conceive, a lot, around the time I'm ovulating. And… I've tried home remedies even, to help with the health of the mucus... I'm even taking some minor medications for the condition, nothing major. " She looked down and sighed. "It's just… not working."

"They've told us to be patient and keep trying…" Derek added, finally piping up. He spoke in a quiet, strangled voice, "But it's hard. And we feel like… it's discouraging. And we've been having doubts. I mean, we aren't, but we are at the same time. We just need some reassurance that there's still hope."

"Yeah. Reassurance," Meredith said dispiritedly. "We know I have hostile… whatever, but we have this feeling… I mean, I have this feeling…" She wrapped her hands around the arms of the chair. "It's taking a long time. And with the history with pregnancy I've had in the past… I just…" She inhaled sharply and felt Derek's hand tangle in hers.

Dr. Johnson absorbed their words and scribbled various notes on the chart, nodding. She flashed her eyes back to the screen and then back to the notes over and over again, a repetitive glance. "It says… You had a miscarriage?" She then realized the words she had just said and brought her hand up to her lips, as if she wanted to take them back. Meredith stirred uneasily, as though something indecent had been said. "Oh, I'm so sorry. My greatest condolences."

"Thank you," Derek said, meeting her gaze and nodding dryly. He tightened his grip on Meredith's hand and rubbed a small circle with his thumb on the topside of her hand.

"Well," Dr. Johnson exhaled deeply, darkly, and Meredith's heart froze. She caught sight of the rise and fall of her diaphragm, taken aback by how fast it was rising and falling, and straightened her back against her chair. Derek tensed beside her. "I've reviewed your case quite extensively, and your concerns seem to be quite valid…" Meredith dug her nails into Derek's fist, but he didn't feel pain but panic. Silence stung the air, nothing but the sound of empty, profound disappointment. "But, the results are much different than I expected…" She looked up at them both and her face broke into a grin. "Your uterus is still hostile, but you can still have a child. You can still make a baby together."

Meredith's face exploded into a smile. She couldn't believe her ears. "What?" She gasped, her words papery with disbelief.

"You just have to keep working at it," Dr. Johnson said softly, reassuringly. Derek looked over at Meredith, his eyes shining, beaming, and he squeezed her hand. "I can write you guys a prescription for a medicine that will hopefully improve the probability of you getting pregnant. But on your chart, you actually don't look as bad as you were originally diagnosed. I'd say… keep doing what your doing. I'll also write down some home remedies and tips that I have had success with other patients with. If you guys stay true to these instructions and keep being dedicated to this… I would say that you will get pregnant eventually. It will take time and patience."

"Wait… are you serious?" Now Derek spoke, gaping in bewilderment and not believing what he was hearing. Dr. Johnson let out a small laugh.

"Yes, that would be an accurate word for it. I am serious. Now, I can't guarantee you a 100% success rate, of course. But turns out, your condition doesn't look as bad as we thought when your other doctor first diagnosed it. It looks like there's more hope than we started out with. I'm not sure if it was a faulty diagnosis of the seriousness of your condition or what, but… There is definitely hope for the both of you."

Derek couldn't help himself. He reached over and hugged Meredith tightly, words escaping him. They had started with a slim chance. And now it had increased? It didn't seem even the slightest bit possible, the slightest bit real. They had both been blanketed with doubt and fear, and it was reversed greatly. There _was _still a chance, a bigger one than they had started out with. That, even though it wasn't guaranteed, even though it wasn't 100%, it still meant everything to them. He hugged her tighter and tighter, dedicated, wanting to never let go. Both of them were crying softly.

"Thank you," He said, his voice watery. He gulped and nestled his face into Meredith's hair, running hands up and down her back. "Thank you."

_**A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. **__** Reviews are SO appreciated, so if you could, that would be great. Still, either way, thank you all so much for reading. So clearly, Meredith thought she couldn't have a baby, and even Derek had his doubts. **They went to the doctor for reassurance. **They're making progress, slowly but surely- But they are! I've been planning the storyline for this story for a while. **_

_**(By the way, I was doing research on Meredith's condition, and apparently the technical term is Hostile Cervical Mucus. I'm doing research, but I apologize if some of the exact facts are a little off.)  
**_

_**Thanks for reading! **_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! They really make posting so very rewarding. I hope you enjoy the chapter! Thanks for reading. **_

Meredith didn't mind taking Cristina's shift in the ER. Normally she would be far past ticked off, but would have agreed anyway, yet tonight it was different. She had agreed to help out, as Derek was on-call anyway, and the more time she had to spend with Derek, the better. If she had stayed home and actually _used _her night off, she wouldn't have known what to do with her self. Derek was on-call; therefore, she would be alone.

Meredith didn't like to be alone.

So instead, she was walking to the newest patient that was brought in, reading her chart and running medical diagnosis' and facts through her head, as if she was picking through a box of folders, filing through the possible symptoms of different conditions, X-ing out the ones she didn't like and putting aside the possible ones. It was like a process of elimination.

She made strides over to the patient's bed, concealed by a pastel curtain to maintain the ever-treasured privacy that they valued so much, her sneakers squealing against the floors. She fluffed up her ponytail and clutched her chart to her chest as she swept the curtain away, revealing her patient and a very worried looking parent. She smiled automatically, kindly, at them both.

The patient, sixteen year old Michelle Brooks, sat up on the bed, alert and visibly nervous. Her dark blonde hair was piled up in a bun at the top of her head, and her bright blue eyes were sparkling vividly. The bit of makeup that outlined her eyes was smeared, and her lips were a natural shade of bright pink. Meredith's smile grew from automatic and clinical to sincere, "Hi, Michelle? I'm Dr. Grey, I'm going to be your doctor today. Can I ask what brings you to the ER?" Her mom swayed uneasily beside her, looking frazzled. Her strawberry-blonde locks were frizzy and undone, and her purse was locked between the knuckles of her hand.

"Well…" Michelle's voice was youthful and modulated, with the undertone of displeasure. She didn't want to be there, apparently- Meredith could read that in her eyes. Michelle fidgeted, rubbing her knuckles, and her voice remained small. "I've been having a lot of headaches, I guess." She continued to look down at nothing in particular, and then sighed as softly as one might take a breath.

Her mother's voice was grating and troubled, clearly aggravated with her daughter. She added pointedly, "And, her vision has been getting worse and worse, I swear. It's been slowly getting worse over time. But it's not just that. Her headaches, when they get bad, she can barely…It's almost like she can't even talk." Michelle sighed again and let her fingers dance along the sheets. "It's been worrying me for a while here, but Michelle here tried to convince me she was fine."

"Okay," Meredith nodded, keeping her eyes on the teenager. "Michelle, how long has this been going on?"

"I don't know…" She said softly, trailing off. Her mother waited expectantly, pouting. "I'd say… maybe…"

This caused her mother to explode into an outburst of some sort of chaotic rant. "Michelle Eliza Brooks, tell her how long this has been going on! We can't afford to hear your lies right now! You don't know how serious this could be, and you lying about it is not going to help anything!" Her mother crossed her arms, still tightly hanging onto her swinging purse.

Michelle visibly tensed, and her eyes flashed as she glanced up at Meredith. She stuttered, "Fine! It's been going on for a few weeks." She darted her gaze back down and tangled her fingers into the sheets of the bed, tightly intertwining them with the seams and then untangling them again, over and over in a dauntingly repetitive movement. Meredith clicked her pen and smiled softly at the both of them.

"Alright," She said with fake cheeriness. "Well, I'm going to send Michelle to go get some scans done, of her brain, and get a few tests done. If I see anything abnormal or that concerns me, I'm going to have you fully admitted, and you'll be able to meet the head of Neuro." She paused, and the flustered mother nodded. Michelle didn't move, just stared at the foot of her bed, her eyes empty.

"Okay!" Her mother said, nodding vigorously, clearly somewhat satisfied. She whipped her gaze back to Michelle and muttered, "I'm going to call you in sick for school."

Michelle looked up with a momentary hopefulness in her eyes, "Could you grab my phone from the car?"

"What, so you can text your delinquent friends?" Her mom shot back. Meredith shifted her weight uneasily, taken aback by the mother's sharp response.

"Mom, they're not del~" She protested softly, but her mom wouldn't have it.

"I'll be right back," She snapped, and she whirled around, her heels clicking as she left. Michelle looked away, and Meredith, again, couldn't pinpoint what she was looking at.

Meredith shifted the chart between her hands and moved to the side of Michelle's bed. She could hear soft sniffling coming from her bowed head.

"Michelle?" Meredith said softly. Michelle, after a moment of hesitation, rubbed her eyes furiously and looked up. "How long has the pain _really _been going on?" It wasn't a sure-fire way to get the truth out, but it was worth a shot. Much to Meredith's surprise, Michelle's small voice answered.

"A few months…" She said quietly, trailing off. Meredith nodded and sighed, scribbling more notes into her chart. She let her weight shift to her right leg, and she cocked her head at the shaken girl.

"Why did you lie?"

"I…" She drew her palm against her cheek and shivered. "I'm afraid…" But she changed her sentence completely, backtracking and correcting herself. "I don't like hospitals," She admitted softly, "I get nervous. I didn't want the problem…I didn't want it to seem bigger than it is. I… I don't know." She rubbed her forehead and grumbled, "I'm sorry, this is stupid. I'm stupid."

Meredith smiled at her, and their eyes met. She said gently, "Trust me, it's not stupid, I can promise you that. I understand." Michelle's rigid expression softened. "I do. It's okay to be nervous. But you'll be treated well here, alright?"

"Yeah," She said, put the thought into consideration for a moment, and then nodded. "Yeah. Okay." She sighed and leaned back, settling into the pillow. Meredith looked at her, and her voice dipped even softer, "You said Head of Neuro. Neuro is brain, right?" She unconsciously twisted her fingers together.

"Yup," Meredith confirmed. Michelle frowned deeply and rubbed the top of her hands. "Dr. Shepherd, he's a brain surgeon." Michelle frowned even deeper than Meredith thought was possible, and she looked clearly nervous once again. Meredith stumbled over her words, trying to correct herself, "I mean, he's _the _brain surgeon here, but that doesn't necessarily mean you need brain surgery. It all depends what we find on your scans. But wait, that doesn't mean… I, uh…" She was just digging herself into a deeper hole, rambling. She ran a free hands through her hair, and to her surprise, Michelle laughed dryly.

"I get it," She said, and she smiled a bit. "Trying to make the stupid girl who's afraid of hospitals feel better. I've seen it plenty of times before."

Meredith grinned at her, "I was not."

"You so were," Michelle shot back playfully. She yawned largely and squinted in the light.

"Well, I've got to go talk to Dr. Shepherd, you've got to get your scans and tests done, and I'll see you afterwards to discuss. My guess is that you'll probably get admitted anyways, to be on the safe side," She said, carefully choosing her words. _You'll probably get admitted because you're showing signs of a potentially dangerous brain condition. _"Okay?"

"Tests?" Michelle readily replied. She bit her lip. "S-Sorry," She stammered. "I'm lame, I know."

"Nothing crazy, I promise," Meredith reassured, smiling genuinely. She took a few steps back and continued to grin at Michelle, who was already looking better than she had when she first came in.

"Thanks, Dr. Grey," Michelle said softly, relaxing her tense shoulders and sighing.

"Meredith," She said quietly, "Call me Meredith."

An hour later, and Meredith was looking at the brain tumor that sat comfortably on the temporal lobe of Michelle's brain.

**XXX**

Derek opened the door to the dark on-call room, "Hello?" He whispered into the darkness. He stepped inside and precisely closed the door behind him gently. He reached out and flicked on the light, squinting in the sudden brightness. Meredith was on the other side of the room, just like he had expected. "Meredith, hi." He smiled warmly at her, and she came up to greet him. She kissed him on the cheek out of habit.

"Hi yourself," She replied. She hadn't seen him yet that day, and she took in the sight of him, the sight of McDreamy. He had definitely earned that name. His hair was messy and long and silky, the tiny tangles at the nape of his neck sticking out in odd directions, and he needed a shave: But for now the scruffy, hot look would do. He smiled and she smiled back again. His scrubs were fitting well, and did a nice job of showing off his arm muscles and his butt. She had that sudden urge to kiss him.

She reached over and cupped his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly on the lips, pressing him up against the wall in the meantime. He kissed her back graciously, their tongues dancing, their lips mashed together in that puzzle-piece type fit that they had accustomed to. She pressed him harder against the wall, and he ran his hands down her back, playing with the seam of her shirt. "Is this why you paged me here?" He chuckled, half-joking…but not really. He continued to kiss her as she tried to duck out of his range.

"No, that's not…" She swiveled her head to avoid his lips but he caught her again, and she giggled but fought to get away. "…Derek, I have to talk to you about…" He kissed her neck, and she paused, sucking in her breath. "…Seriously, I… it's about…" She pressed her palms against his chest and moved him away, grinning. "…It's about a patient."

"A patient?" He faked disappointment. "Now, that's no fun."

"No, seriously," She said, but her smile faded. Derek frowned, crinkling up his eyebrows in confusion and slight concern. He nodded.

"Okay, okay, what's going on? Is this about the consult you asked for in…" He glanced down at his watch, and came back up a bit shocked. "…five minutes?"

"Yeah, the sixteen year old girl. Her name's Michelle. She has a large tumor on her temporal lobe." She sighed again, and reached up to tighten her ponytail. "You've seen the scans, right?"

"Yeah. It looks like we'll definitely need to operate, the thing is big…" He trailed off, looking at her, slightly confused as to where the conversation was going. He waited for her to continue, leaning back against the wall and crossing his arms. She drew in her breath.

"But, this patient…"

"Yeah?"

"She's… different, Derek," She said, trying to choose the right words for the situation. He just looked even more confused than the start. "I mean…I just wanted to let you know some stuff about her." She chewed on her lip and looked at him.

Although he didn't quite understand where she was going with this, he was patient, and his words were gentle and supportive and encouraging, "Okay."

"She's… well, I like her, but she's… she has a fear of hospitals, or something. And it's not just one of those simple, cut-and-dry fears that can be taken care of with a few supportive words and a pat on the back. I just wanted to tell you that you should… maybe… I don't know, be gentle?" She groaned as she heard her own words out loud. "I mean, you're always gentle with patients of course, Derek, but just be… be…" She trailed off and looked at him, raising her eyebrows in the hopes that he understood what she was getting at. He smiled softly and nodded.

"Okay. I can do that," He studied her face for a second and then added, "Thanks for telling me. That is being a good doctor, you're advocating for your patient and that's important, Meredith." He leaned in and kissed her cheek lightly, grazing his warm lips along her soft skin. She felt herself smile.

"You think so?"

**XXX**

Both Meredith and Derek could sense Michelle's nervousness as they entered the small hospital room. Her beautiful eyes were wide open and blinking, and her hands were twisted around the sides of the bed so tight that her knuckles were slowly turning a shade of white as she gripped them harder. Her soft hair had been let down and hung loosely at her shoulders, her bangs out of place and wisps of hair peeking out from her forehead. She flashed her gaze at them instantly as they came in, and her mom, who had been chatting on the phone, hung up too, standing up. She didn't look half as nervous as Michelle, who looked like she was about to throw up. When Michelle noticed Derek, holding the clipboard, her large eyes were suddenly unblinking, and her grip tightened. Meredith smiled softly at both her and her mom and cleared her throat.

"I'd like you to meet Doctor Shepherd, the head of Neuro here at Seattle Grace." Out of the corner of her eye she saw him smile warmly and reassuringly at the both of them, and she took a deep breath. "I'll let him talk to you." Michelle met her gaze, her eyes flickering as she rubbed her sweaty palms against the sides of the bed.

"Am I dying?" She blurted suddenly, her voice strangled and nervous. Her mom looked at her, appalled. Meredith reeled back in surprise.

Derek eyed Meredith with understanding and looked back at the scared patient, and his voice was gentle and kind, "No, no, you're not." Michelle visibly loosened, relaxing only slightly. "But, we have completely studied and investigated your scans, and it looks like you have a tumor located around your temporal lobe."

Michelle's mouth shut in shock, sealed, frozen. Her hands shook, she grew pale, and her BP on the monitor raised. "T-T-Tumor?" She stuttered, slurring the words as they shook deep in her throat.

Mrs. Brooks frowned, "Tumor?" She turned to Michelle, "I told you there was something wrong!"

Meredith was taken aback by her reaction. She was a mother. She gave birth to this girl, this beautiful, and- from what she could tell- kind girl, and she had a large brain tumor around the lobe of her brain that controlled her speech, something that could completely disappear at any time, and all she was concerned about what proving that she was right. Why would anyone want to be right about something like that in the first place? Meredith pursed her lips and kept her eyes on Derek.

"Michelle," He said softly. "You do have a tumor, but it's operable, and I should be able to get to it in a surgery. I do surgeries like this all the time." She didn't move, just bit her lip and nestled back into her pillow. She held her shaking hands in a prayer like position.

"Michelle?" Meredith echoed. She didn't even blink in response.

"She's clearly not interested enough in something as dangerous as a tumor to respond to you!" Her mother said, tears glistening in her eyes and her voice raising in pitch. "So you can just tell _me _about her options, okay?"

Meredith's eyes darted to the woman and they narrowed, "She is the patient here, not you." Derek glanced at her, his eyes a warning.

"So…" Michelle spoke again finally, and every syllable that rolled from her lips was quivering, coated with fear. "I need… surgery? Is it the only option?" She seemed to be regaining her composure, and the bed creaked and the sheets rustled as she tried to prop herself back up onto her pillow. Her feet twitched uneasily and she licked her lips.

Her mom added, "But if she needs surgery, we'll do it."

"Mom…"

"No, I just want you to be safe," Her mom said to her. Although her words weren't said warmly, her words were caring. Meredith noticed it. It reminded her of how Ellis treated her. She was rude, cold… because she just never understood. Meredith crossed her arms uneasily, feeling memories flood back slowly and dauntingly.

Derek sighed and pulled and hand through his hair, trying to get a hold of the right words to reassure this young lady. He knew it would be hard, though. He had never seen a patient this scared of…medicine and doctors in general. He wasn't very sure how to handle it. Something inside him, though… He felt different. This girl, this child, this young adult was terrified. Something inside of him took over. He was suddenly protective. _One day, your child could be in this position. _The words rang in his head and he swallowed.

He walked over to her bedside quietly and she looked away, biting her lip, her eyes shimmering with held back tears. He leaned down slowly and the bed creaked beneath his weight as he sat on the edge, craning his neck to look at her, his eyes soft and comforting. He said gently, "Michelle?" She didn't look at him, beyond embarrassed of her fear. He repeated, "Michelle? Look at me," She picked up a shaking finger and dragged it underneath her eye to wipe away the drip of tears that she was struggling to hide, and then looked at him, her lips trembling. "Listen, I know you're scared."

"I-…" She tried to defend herself, but her defense fell to heaps. She bit her lip again.

"I know it can be hard to admit that you're…" He took a sharp inhale. "Scared. I know that it can be hard to admit it, I know that. But you are afraid. I am good at what I do, and Michelle, surgery _is _the **only **option for you. I can tell you that, alright? But even scary…terrifying things, like this, you get through them. You do. Although you're scared now, when it's over…" He sighed and smiled softly. "…it'll be over. You have to trust us. And Dr. Grey? There's _no _reason to be afraid of her. She's the most…extraordinary surgeon I know. And she cares about you. So you have to trust us."

Meredith, on the other side of the room, met Michelle's gaze as she nodded through her tears.

_**A/N: Well, Michelle is going to impact them both as she continues her stay in the hospital. Maybe you've started to figure out how. Thanks for reading! Comments really are greatly appreciated! **_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Wow. Can I just say… wow. Your reviews really brighten my day, and the ones I have gotten are **_**fantastic. **_**Thank you, thank you, thank you. This update is kind of short, but I felt I needed to get one up for you. I was kind of floored by how many people are enjoying this fic, and it means a lot, everyone.  
**_

_**And thank so **_**so very much **_**for reading! I'm so glad to be sharing it with you & that you keep coming back... I hope you enjoy this chapter! **_

_Meredith dug the heel of her hand into the gushing bullet wound. Waiting for Cristina was like waiting for rain in the middle of a drought. Things could go one way or another, uphill or downhill, safe or unsafe, life or death. If the water did come, if the rain did pour, then they were saved: Or at least halfway. If it didn't though, well, they were screwed. Badly screwed. _

_Although the tears blurred her vision, she could make out Derek's pale face. The color was completely drained away. It was almost like there was nothing left. He had transformed into a papery figure, that barely resembled a human person, a living, breathing person. Small coughs chuffed from his lips, but that was it. There was no talking. His breaths were labored, and with every sharp inhale, Meredith winced, as if she felt his pain along with him. She pushed harder. His blood crept through the cracks between her bony fingers. "I know it hurts," She said to him, bringing her voice up in an effort to keep him awake. "Derek, I know it hurts, I know," She continued, her voice thick and shaking. He was barely hanging on the edge of a precipice, although he was beginning to slip. _

"_Mr. Clark…" He slurred, his lips mashing together so messily that Meredith could barely understand what he was saying. _

"_Derek, he's gone." Meredith repeated again, wishing nothing more than that his illusions would dissolve. His eyes were empty and horrified, darker than they usually were. His good hand clawed against the floor. _

"_Mr. Clark…N-No…" He moaned, not hearing her, in his own distant, distraught world. "No…" He repeated, his voice terrified and awful and scared as illusion and reality merged. He coughed and sputtered on his own breath, his eyelids too heavy to bother keeping open. His chest throbbed constantly with raging, unbearable intensity. "Please…" He groaned in unadulterated pain as he begged, his voice dripping with fear that made Meredith feel sick. _

"_Derek…" She croaked desperately, biting back a sob as she looked at him. He was losing too much blood. Her hands weren't big enough. She wasn't strong enough. "Hold on. Hold on for me. Please, Derek, I'm begging you," She pleaded. Her voice was growing to a shout now, and she couldn't help it. She was doing everything she could to keep him awake. _

_It was then when she heard the screeching sounds as the wheels of the wheelchair approached them, pushed by Cristina who ran, her legs pounding in the eerily silent hospital. Someone was behind her: April Kepner, who was sniffling and breathing quickly as tears ran down her face. Her mouth was gaping in shock still as her gasped at the sight before her. _

"_Mer, we need to get him…to get him to the OR, we need to get him on the wheelchair," Cristina stuttered, rubbing at her forehead as if the action would bring her ideas, any type of ideas, any thoughts she could process or hang on to. Meredith grinded her teeth up and looked up at them, her eyes shimmering, hot tears rolling down her face. _

"_How… how are we supposed to…" Derek coughed and moaned again. "…lift him? There's only us…" She trailed off and swallowed the lump of bile that perched at the back of her throat. Her heart sent shattering pounds as an earthquake throughout her chest. Cristina caught her gaze, and that was all it took. _

_Meredith looked down at Derek, down at her hands covered in pools of his blood, and shouted, "Derek, open your eyes! We have to move you, do you hear me? Do you hear me?" She reiterated loudly and persistently until he sniffled, showing even the slightest response. _

_His eyelids fluttered open barely, so small that she could barely see his blue eyes between the crack, and he coughed dryly, "No…" He flopped his hand against the tiles like a fish on dry land. She wasn't sure what he was attempting to do, but it was more than evident that his strength was plummeting. She grasped his hand. _

"_You have to trust us," She insisted, her voice strangled. Before she looked back into his tortured eyes, she looked up at Cristina and April, both who had formed around him. April still looked stunned, like a deer in headlights, caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. Cristina leaned down and was inspecting the bullet wound. Meredith's entire body trembled as she slipped a crimson coated hand under his waist, and used the other one to continue applying all the pressure she could muster. After a moment of hesitation, Cristina reached her hands and wiggled them under the small of his back, and April held his shoulder on the opposite side, her hands visibly shaking. "It's going to hurt for a moment," She warned, and could have chuckled at her own statement. Yeah. For a moment. _

_Right. _

"_One…" She said slowly, pressing her palm firmer into him. "Two…" She continued, looking up to meet April and Cristina's nervous expression. "Three," She bit her lip and they all heaved at the same time, pulling diagonally upward to the chair. Meredith felt her lip begin to bleed from the pressure, and as soon as they moved him, taking him away from his firm ground, taking him away from his support, his face contorted into unadulterated pain. It swallowed up the fear in his eyes. All there was was pain. He couldn't hold it in any longer, and the pent-up air in his lungs let out a dry, ratting scream of agony, which made Meredith's stomach clench. "S-st-stop…" Derek cried out, arching his back forcefully against the three women that tried to help him. Meredith was immediately nauseated. Her legs shook. Her vision blurred. The tears were pouring again, and she gasped for air, refusing to give up. She clenched her jaw and they heaved him again, fighting against time and air and interrupting the silence. _

Meredith awoke from her awful abyss with the beep of her pager, and she sat abruptly up from the bottom on-call room bunk, sending the sheets pooling to the foot of her bed. She sighed, panting, and dragged her hand across her forehead to get rid of the sweat beads that had formed on her forehead. She licked her dry lips and shut her eyes, running her hand through her hair. Her pager beeped again. Not a 911, but something she probably shouldn't skip.

She hadn't been planning on falling asleep in the first place, anyway. She had gone into the on-call room to sit down for a moment and clear her head, to take deep breaths, and to just escape the world temporarily. But the moment she sat on the bed, relief swamped her, and her sitting position slowly diminished until she had crumpled onto the mattress and sank into her much needed sleep. She rubbed her eyes tiredly and yawned, swinging her legs around and landing them on the floor. She fished for a ponytail holder on her wrist and rolled it into her hand, dragging her fluffy curls up in her palms and snapping them into a wavy ponytail.

She forced herself to stand up and leave the on-call room, after a few spare moments of letting herself blink and yawn, and she squinted when she entered the rays of the luminescent hallways, and the world returned to her. People buzzed and fled constantly around the hospital, and there was the usual murmuring that was always abuzz in the surgical wing. She picked up her pace and her feet tapped towards Michelle's room. She slowly and cautiously increased her pace until she was there, and by that time, she was finally wide awake again.

But, much to her surprise, when she arrived at the room, no one was there. No one but Michelle, who sat up against the stack of thin pillows and stared. Her cheeks glistened from the bright, headache inducing lights, and showed the obvious evidence of tear stains. Her beautiful eyes were rimmed red. "Michelle?" Meredith said, frowning, clicking the door shut into place behind her and making her way to the bed. "Did you have me paged here?" She walked to the side of her bed and stood, looking down at her, her face contorted with confusion. She put her hand on the rim of the bed as Michelle gathered herself.

"My mom… she just… she doesn't understand…" Michelle whimpered, looking smaller and sadder than Meredith had ever seen her. Her shoulders shook. "She doesn't listen to me. She doesn't…" Meredith didn't know what to do. She just nodded at the poor young woman, absorbing her words and watching. She trailed her fingers along the seam of the hospital sheets, entranced by her words. "She thinks I'm stupid. She thinks I'm a bad kid. Do you know where she went?" She said, her voice a mix of anger and devastation. Meredith simply nodded and watched. "She went down to psych, to see if they could get me an appointment," She said, her words shaking. Meredith's eyebrows crinkled together in concern. "She thinks I'm depressed. She thinks I've got a mental disorder. I can't convince her otherwise. She left without even letting me speak." She said quietly, only before she began to cry again. She buried her face in her hands. "It's like she doesn't even hear me!"

Meredith nodded and sucked in her breath. She turned around and pulled the closest chair by her towards the bed, and it squealed as it rubbed against the grain of the floor. She sat in it with a squeak and leaned forward, towards Michelle, trying to meet her eyes. Her sneakers squeaked against the floor. "I know," She said softly. Michelle looked up at her, swiping her palm across her face. Meredith nodded at nothing in particular. "Trust me, I know. It freaking stinks."

Michelle nodded dryly and sniffled. "Yeah. It does. It's like… it's like she…" Her thin voice dipped low, "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get along with someone like her. I love her. But she…" Meredith nodded, deep in thought. Her own memories of Ellis swarmed in her brain.

"You know…" Meredith began quietly. "It's because they love you."

"I hear that all the time," Michelle muttered, not meaning to sound rude, but being brutally honest.

"But, you may not realize it, but they do." Meredith continued. "Sometimes…parents, they get like that. And although it's obnoxious, and ruins childhoods, it's because they think they know everything that's right for you. They think that they're the only ones who know who _you _are. If they sense something out of the ordinary, they…pounce." She licked her lips and sighed drearily. "It's what parents do. Or whatever."

Michelle sank lower in her bed, leaning against the pillows and wiping her eyes one final time. She lowered her shoulders as if they were under the weight of something greater than her, and she shut her eyes and inhaled. Her chest rose from under the sheets, and in her exhale, she breathed, "Thanks, Meredith."

Meredith shrugged and smiled softly, "Yeah. Sadly, I can say I speak from experience." She laughed dryly and leaned back in her chair, crossing one leg over the other and watching as Michelle looked back at her and smiled coyly.

"Hmm…" She trailed off, looking like she was beginning to get amused from this conversation. She nestled lower under the covers and breathed in, then propped her hands behind her head and smiled. "Was your mother as neurotic as mine?"

"Neurotic doesn't even begin to describe it," Meredith chuckled. "She was crazy. Work-obsessed would be the right word for it, I assume. Her child was her _second_ priority." Her eyes flashed, and her smile decreased in length.

"Oh," Michelle said softly. "Sorry." Silence stretched in the air as Meredith tried to come up with a proper answer.

"It's alright. I'm over it," She said, tossing the subject aside. "That was then. This is now. End of story. I've got my own life now. Middle school…high school… All that, it may feel like it's your entire life right now. But it won't forever. I can promise that."

Michelle nodded in understanding and her gaze floated around the room, her eyes sparkling with entertainment, "Speaking of high school… what were you like?" Meredith let out a laugh that she couldn't bare to hold in. In her opinion, high school was a page in her story that she wanted to delete, not save. She shook her head and smiled.

"Not like you. I was…"

"…popular?" Michelle asked hopefully, her eyes gleaming.

Meredith snorted, "Uh, no. I was thinking more along the lines of _weird. _Flat out weird, and a little bit of a rebel, too. Can't forget that. My high school was a blur of bad boyfriends, mistakes, and pink hair, and that's how I prefer to remember it as." She propped her head up sideways on her balled up fist, and Michelle laughed. She brushed her bangs out of her eyes.

"Pink hair?" The disbelief was veiled over her soft voice. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Meredith confirmed, her grin wide. "It was my style, I guess." She paused. "No, not as much my style as my rebel-I'll-do-anything-to-tick-off-my-mother style. I wanted her to notice me, I guess." She shrugged.

"I would have taken you for the popular type," Michelle scoffed, clearly amused with their conversation. Her spirits were clearly brought up, and Meredith enjoyed it. There was something about comforting a child that she couldn't describe. Even if the child was a teenager and wasn't hers, there was something about it…

"Really?" She said, shocked. "Why?"

"Well…" Michelle trailed off, but her eyes twinkled with mischief. "That boyfriend of yours is pretty gorgeous. If you don't mind me saying that." She smiled and laughed at her own sentence. Meredith's jaw dropped, and she grinned, confused. "Sorry, did I offend you?"

"Nope," She paused, and then her face contorted into confusion. "Wait, how did you know about Dr. Shepherd…?"

"It's pretty obvious by the way you two act," Michelle shrugged, as though it was as simple as medicine, as cut and dry as surgery. "I just assumed…"

Meredith felt her heart flutter in her chest. "He's my husband. So, good guess." She could feel herself begin to turn red. Was their love that obvious? It made her smile to think about that. She had never considered it that visible, and that clear, but apparently it was.

She nodded enthusiastically, "I knew it! I knew that you two were togethsher beshud shushalo…" But the moment she heard the words mutter from her mouth, her face froze, and she brought her fingers up to her mouth, as if she couldn't believe that the jumbled jibberish came from her own lips. She swallowed. Meredith widened her eyes in horror and Michelle tried to form words again, but her mouth wasn't allowing it, "Halrushmah plooshfruh ashedush…" She tried, her voice straining. But the words wouldn't differentiate, the syllables wouldn't separate, and instead of a working sentence, only nonsense words would fall from her lips. Meredith's breath caught in her throat.

She tried to get her lips to work, but they wouldn't. Gears wouldn't mesh. Nothing was happening, except for the awful nonsense words. Michelle's eyes filled with tears that soon spilled over her lids as she clamped her mouth shut fearfully. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks and she squeezed her eyes shut in pain, knocking her head against the board behind her in frustration. She couldn't force out any words. Meredith's heart pounded, the thumps rattling her body.

Michelle couldn't speak.

She stood up from her chair and it went flying from behind her, screeching across the floor, she turned to the door and yelled, "Page Dr. Shepherd!"

_**A/N: Well, that can't be good… But, this is the start of some events that are coming up soon as an aftershock of everything that happens. **_

_**And, don't worry, I certainly didn't forget Derek! He has some of his own issues he's dealing with, that will be revealed shortly :)  
**_

_**Thank you all for reading! Reviews make me **_**so **_**happy, they really do. I really appreciate it. But all in all, knowing you guys read it makes me feel great too :) Are you liking the flashbacks? Should I continue them?**_

_**Thanks!**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: I'm sorry for the wait with this fic. It's mainly my motivation level: It's pretty low right now. Reviews really make posting on here really worthwhile, so if you could leave one, that would be awesome. But, if not, I'm just really grateful that you're reading, so thank you for that! I hope you enjoy!**_

The panic. The sobbing. The yelling. The fear. Confusion in a fog overhead. Too much movement. Words in a jumble, swirling, meshing together. Brains struggling. Thoughts stretched. Hurried glances. Scrambled communication. Silence sliced.

By the time Derek had finally arrived, he was panting, breaths chuffed from his chest. He winced as he exhaled, pausing for a millisecond and letting himself suck in some much-needed oxygen. Sometimes, when he ran, when his heart pumped too fast, he could still feel a small twinge of pain that stung, a whisper of returning scars. He ignored the quick throb and was soon at the panicking patient's side. Meredith had managed to get an oxygen mask secured around her head, and she was sobbing, tears stretching down her cheeks and her chest heaving. Her hands were clamped around the bars of the bed, and Derek's eyes widened with panic as he looked at Meredith. She was a ghastly white, the shade of panic, caught off guard by the unpredictable. He grabbed at her chart and looked at her vitals as nurses prepared the bed for movement.

"What happened?" He demanded, and his voice was surprisingly thick and nervous.

Meredith panted, as if she had been sprinted, "She just… she can't talk, suddenly, it's as if her brain can't connect the words she wants to say and how to say them." She flashed her eyes at the vitals and then looked at Derek.

He licked his lips and said firmly, "We need to get that tumor out _now." _Then to one of the nurses, "Have an OR ready for us. We need to get it out before it causes more damage than it has." His chest throbbed and he grabbed the side of the bed, and Meredith positioned herself on the other side, her hands clasped around the side, bobbing on her toned calves, ready to move.

"Michelle," He said, looking directly into the girl's eyes for the first time he had been there. Meredith eyed him. His voice sounded as calm as he could possibly keep it, but there was a slight undercurrent of emotion that she couldn't quite identify. "Michelle, you're going to be okay, do you hear me? We're taking you down to surgery now." She only cried harder, the tears pounding down her cheeks and landing to the sides of her face where the light fabric of the sheets was damp. "You are going to be okay," He repeated firmly, as if it was his attempt at forcing his words through her skull. He looked back up at Meredith as the bed began to roll, clanging against the linoleum of the floor. "Where's her mother?"

Meredith shook her head unknowingly and bit her lip, "I don't know…I…." She glanced back down at Michelle and her words died off. _She left without even letting me speak._

"What?" Derek raised his voice, and his lips grew thin as he stared at her. "What do you mean you don't know where she is?" He pursed his lips as his yell faded out. Her eyes flashed at him and she grinded her teeth together. She paused; _She left without even letting me speak. _"Dr. Grey!" He snapped loudly, desperately.

She glared at him, surprised at the intensity of his voice, but her shock quickly morphed into irritation. "She said she went down to psych, but I don't know where she is." Meredith said, biting off the ends of the words to try and make her point as fiercely as she could.

Derek sucked in his breath, and then muttered something to one of the nurses that was trailing behind the rolling bed to go find her. Meredith rolled her eyes and they continued to push, faster, their feet pounding as they exerted more and more force. The clocks that decorated the hospital ticked, and time was hurling itself against them viciously.

It wasn't long until they had reached the OR, although to Meredith, it had seemed like forever as they had been waiting in the elevator. Derek had been tense the entire way: Well, they had both been visibly tense, clearly nervous. Michelle hadn't stopped crying. The fear was clawing at her ruthlessly. Meredith held her hand the entire way.

Then, as they scrubbed in together, there was a notable distance between them. There was an eerie silence that icily hovered in the room, the only sound being the sloshing water and the clang of the metal as their hands tapped against it every now and again. Derek was wearing his scrub cap, the usual one, decorated with ferryboats and water. _I have a thing for ferryboats: _His catchphrase, his line. Him.

Silence stretched uncomfortably in the air, hinged with stress and nervousness alike. They gazed into the OR, where scrub nurses busily prepped Michelle: And even from where they stood, they could see her cold fingers tremble. Terror blanketed the room like a dreary haze. Meredith scrubbed her palms and wrists with the soap roughly, ruthlessly, not caring if it peeled off the top layer of her soft epidermis. The water was hot, and it steamed and scalded her hands, but she didn't care. Her eyes were fixed on the patient, her breath was thin as she tried to keep it level, and she ran through the anatomy of the brain in her head.

Derek couldn't help but to look over at Meredith. He had lost his temper with her on the way in, but she had just looked so lost, so distant. Maybe lost wasn't even the correct term for it. She didn't look connected to her work: She looked more connected to the patient. All in all, she looked more like a family member would than a doctor, and that's what concerned him the most. He felt a connection to Michelle, too: But Meredith… It was different, and Derek could see it. "Meredith…" He began, and his voice quieted compared to his previous tone.

Metal clanged. Silence chilled the room.

"Meredith," He repeated, his voice still soft.

"Derek," She countered, not bothering to glance over at him. Her gaze remained locked through the glass, staring at something: Or was it nothing? Was he faking a distraction to avoid making eye contact with her?

"Mer," He said, daring to ask, "Do you think you can handle this surgery?" He swallowed thickly and the rushed sound of the water running from his faucet abruptly stopped.

She looked at him finally, her gaze icy, veiled in a murky mixture of offense and disbelief, "What do you mean? Of course I can!" She scrubbed at her hands more furiously, and her left foot tapped against the floor. Derek sucked in his breath, aware of the offense that he had blanketed her with. He tried to pick out the best words to use when trying to describe the situation, but he was drawing a blank. He tried his best, his sentence coming out strangled and quiet.

"You've grown so attached to this patient…" Derek said, trailing off. Her sink stopped as she dabbed her arms with towels, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence. There were a few drips as leftover water dribbled down, falling into the blackness that was the drain.

"And you haven't?" She whipped back, daring him to reply. He sighed, realizing that he wasn't going to get anything out of that conversation. She let out a huff and her frown set deeper into her face.

"Dr. Grey-"

"Dr. Shepherd!" She snapped, before he could finish whatever sentence he was trying to create. "Thanks for the unnecessary concern, but this is my patient, and I am going to be fine in this surgery, okay? That is all: Conversation over." She finished, glaring angrily at him before she swiftly exited the scrub room and drifted into the OR promptly, leaving Derek gazing in at nothing in particular. Stillness floated around him. He leaned back on his heels, bowing his head and leaning on his hands, propped on the rim of the sink. He was exhausted. He knew that was why he was lashing out. A new wave of tiredness washed over him and he sighed. He took a few dry deep breaths, a pathetic attempt to gain needed energy. He hadn't slept…really slept…in… too long. He could fall asleep, sure, and he'd drift lightly among his abyss of blackness, but he just dusted the surface of _rest. _He never felt satisfied when he woke up. Maybe it was because, sometimes, he was afraid to fall asleep in fear of what…who… would be there when he woke up?

**XXX**

_The silence air that chilled the hospital was cold and empty and eerie. Maybe it would be calming if it weren't for the current situation, if it weren't for what was at stake. Everything. Everything was at stake. So in the out of the ordinary silence, his heart was pounding, thick and heavy in his chest, throbbing so loudly that he was sure it could be heard against the silence of the area. It took him a second, but when he stepped off of his quick rhythm for a moment and glanced hurriedly down at his pager, his name was cast out into the open. The silence was sliced in two, and he instinctively spun around, and his heels squeaked on the flooring. He wouldn't have been able to hear them if he was in the heart of the normally busy catwalk. But he could. It was different. Derek's muscles clenched. Someone was behind him. Someone. Was. Behind. Him. Who knew his name. Who could it be? _

_Fight or flight response took over and he sucked in his breath, but took comfort in seeing that the figure across from him on the catwalk was just an old man. And, he knew his name. He exhaled and visibly relaxed. Threat? Not likely. He had a certain gentleness too him, along with a look in his eye that Derek couldn't seem to pinpoint. There was something about him. Gears meshed in his brain as he struggled to figure it out. The man's face was gray and weathered, with a mustache to match his balding hair, and his stature seemed to relax as soon as he saw Derek's face. It was almost like he had been looking for him. Why would he have been looking for him? _

**XXX**

Four hours later, the surgery had been going fine. Meredith and Derek had mainly been existing in either cold silence or with a few mumbled instructions to her from Derek, in his feeble attempt to teach her what he could. Meredith had seen him remove many brain tumors before. Although this generally wasn't anything extraordinarily new, she felt the importance of the surgery weigh down her surgery. Nothing could go wrong.

At one point, though, Meredith took her eyes that were seemingly glued to the pink jumbles of brain and looked back up at Derek's face. Behind his special neurosurgery goggles, he looked focused, his vision trained on nothing but her brain. His mouth was tense, stretched into that familiar, taut line that she knew all too well. His eyes sparkled under the bright overhead lights, and his hands worked carefully and precisely. Meredith found it amazing how he could tune everything out and just pinpoint his gaze to the problem in front of him, slowly and carefully taking out what he needed to and being careful not to touch anything he didn't. His forehead was creased with concentration, and Meredith swallowed.

Derek seemed to have noticed her eyes trained on him, because his locked gaze was suddenly severed. He lifted his eyes from the brain to her and met her gaze. Embarrassment flushed her skin as it glowed red with warmth, and she cleared her throat to quickly look back down at her patient, pretending that Derek was not taking his turn to look at her. As quick as he glanced up, though, he glanced back down, his gaze focusing on the patient again. Meredith exhaled in relief.

"Dr. Grey," Derek purred. She rolled her eyes. Here comes the cockiness. "Did you have something you needed to say?" He flashed his gaze at her and his eyes crinkled up into a small, knowing smile.

"No," She snipped back, "I'm focusing on the procedure. That's what residents are supposed to do, are they not?"

"Dr. Grey," Derek's voice dipped low, a rumbling warning slowly trilling from his lips. Meredith huffed out a breath and trained her eyes on the patient again. Something that annoyed her to no end was the rapid switch from husband to attending. Usually he was good about it, he knew when to be which, but sometimes he'd slip up, and it never failed to frustrate her. She sighed softly. They weren't having the best day in their relationship, and he couldn't help but to think that his last warning wasn't exactly a slip up.

She didn't know what it was about them. Were they just having a bad day? Was Derek exhausted? Was she tense from the fertility meds? Was she just being moody? She wished she knew what was going on, but she knew for one thing that most often, people recognize others flaws instead of theirs: So naturally, she blamed it on Derek.

He had no right to be switching personas in the OR. He shouldn't have been so loud and firm in the hallways when only a little nudge would have sufficed. But, then again… what about her? She was doing something wrong, really wrong, yet she couldn't seem to figure out what it was.

Suddenly, Meredith was yanked back into reality as she noticed Derek wasn't working on Michelle anymore. He was giving the scrub nurses some orders and sighing, displeased but accepting. Meredith frowned instantly. "What are you doing?"

"Closing her up," Derek replied easily, as if it had been obvious. Meredith widened her blue eyes and blinked at him in sheer disbelief, clearly not happy with that answer. Her voice was thin through her clenched teeth.

"Closing her up?" She repeated, waiting for her own ears to process what was happening. Derek nodded his head and went back to talking to one of the scrub nurses, as if their conversation was over, but Meredith wasn't exactly ready to be done with their talk. She raised her voice an octave and got his attention again, "Dr. Shepherd, you haven't gotten the entire tumor out yet!" The disbelief coated her voice, and it dripped with confusion and frustration.

"Yes," He said, looking at her and choosing his words carefully. He sighed, "I've gotten as much as I can. But if I go any deeper, she's in danger of losing her ability of speech completely." He spoke slowly, trying to get his words through her skull, trying to get her thoughts to process the situation reasonably. She shook her head, and her eyes flickered with defiance.

"No. No, you can't do that," She grinded her teeth together. His eyebrows crinkled into a frown. "How do you know she'll wake up?"

Derek's voice quieted. "We don't. There's a small… small… chance she won't, but over a 60% chance that she will." He eyed her. "You have to trust me."

The moment Meredith heard this, she shook her head, biting her lip tightly, "No." She raised her voice, "No. You. Can. Not. Do this!"

"Dr. Grey," He warned. But it wasn't enough for her. Her heart was pounding, her blood seared through her veins. She was on a roll. The power and the hurt of words was at her side, and she was using them to her full advantage. Her judgment was impaired in the fog of worry and fear.

"She's a kid! You can't do this!" She said to him, furious, her words like daggers. "Derek Shepherd!"

Boom.

She used his first name.

In his OR.

While yelling at him.

_Bad idea. _

"Dr. Grey," He said, trying to keep his voice level. It was thick and low and rumbling and angry, the intensity fighting to come out. "Step out of my OR. _Now_."

_**A/N: So, what did you think? Meredith and Derek have a little something they need to work out, clearly. Don't get too angry yet. **_

_**And also, I think we got a little insight to Derek's issue from what happened months ago. Can you see it start to emerge? **_

**Thanks for reading! **_**Comments are appreciated as well!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N: I am SO, so, so, so, sorry for the wait! I can't even tell you how sorry I am. I have been so busy, and real life work has gotten ahead of me, so thank you so much for being patient. I hope this chapter is worth it :) I should be getting back to my regular posting schedule soon. Thanks for reading!**_

_**A special THANK YOU to everyone who commented. There was just so much motivation, and I am so grateful. **_

Meredith leaned against the cold glass of the ICU, peering in to the room, as the hospital buzzed around her. Her patient's small body was still and small in the thin sheets that gathered by her feet. She didn't stir. Didn't twitch. Just lay there, helplessly frozen in time, with no way to know if waking up was going to happen at all. Her mom was in the chair next to her, asleep, folded over. Her arm was extended and her hand was loosely flopped on the sheets of the bed, a few inches from Michelle's hand. It had been like that all night, unmoving. An intangible pact.

She traced her finger down the metal doorframe and sighed. Getting kicked out of the OR hadn't been in her plans that evening. She hadn't meant to get so worked up, really: It was just a reflex. Something within her bent and snapped, and she went off, protective and angry and confused: And those three emotions, mixed together, were indeed undesirable. What she was trying to figure out was _why. _

There was something about Michelle that she had grown attached to the moment she met her. Maybe it was their similarities: Odd family life, hating high school, lost. Maybe it was the fear, and the lack of understanding that came with it. Michelle was afraid of hospitals, although her mom didn't understand: And _because _her mom didn't understand, it meant that Michelle had to comfort herself, deal with her fears herself. Meredith had fears too. Plenty. So maybe it was that that kept them connected. Meredith knew how it felt a little too well.

Hours and hours after surgery and Michelle still hadn't woken up. Being realistic, the outlook didn't look good. Meredith's heart felt heavy. She felt like a failure. Michelle didn't deserve that.

She clunked her head against the glass softly with a sigh and turned back away from the room, studying the hallway. Nurses rushed, people chattered frantically on the phone, and doctors stared at charts while tapping their feet. Meredith had never liked the ICU, but the Seattle Grace one wasn't so bad. There was just always too much to be done, always people in trouble, so much frantic adrenaline coursing through the halls. No conversation was calm, ever. It was always intense, full of paranoia and concern and what-ifs. There was too much worry. So much pain.

A year ago, she wouldn't have minded it as much. Sure, she was sensitive to pain and all, but not like she was now. Every wife that lay by their injured husband made her heart throb, every child whose parents hovered over, praying and crying: made her stomach churn with pity. Every family losing a member made her chest ache. Maybe after the course of events that happened, now she could actually say that she knew what they felt like. Maybe…

**XXX**

_The room of the ICU wasn't like the ICU at Seattle Grace. It wasn't as busy. Sure, the hospital was smaller, but the room was smaller too, and the air was so crisp and filled with the scent of cleaning supplies that it was suffocating. Everything was so cold and cut, and tensions were high, but not skyrocketing. The nurses had sympathy embedded in their eyes that flickered, always there, a constant. Meredith liked it at first, but then it became robotic and routine, and made her feel like the sorry girl or the kicked puppy. At that point, it became obnoxious. She had been sitting next to Derek, refusing to get up to do anything at all, for the last ten hours. Honestly speaking, she had to pee to the point where her bladder was going to burst, but she couldn't bare to leave him. She watched him, silently pleading him to say something, anything. Any type of words would be sufficient for her. "Derek?" She said quietly, putting down the empty coffee cup that sat in her lap and crossing her legs. The chair creaked in the silence. _

"_Mmm..?" He responded through a dry throat caked with exhaustion. His voice crackled and he swallowed, staring at the ceiling, unblinking. _

_She rung her hands together unconsciously, "How are you feeling?" She leaned forward a bit in her seat again and it creaked twice, and it squealed under her weight. She groaned and tried to get comfortable: Ha, like that would happen. _

_His voice was so papery and thin, she winced just listening to him. "Fine," He whispered, staring upwards. _

"_Derek Shepherd," She forced the smallest smile she could possibly physically muster. "Don't lie to me. How are you feeling?" She persisted gently. She leaned even closer and reached over to the bed, placing her palm over his tense hand. His fingers flexed at the contact. She rubbed the pads of her fingers over his pale, cold skin. "How bad is the pain?" She tried, worried and frustrated. _

_He sighed softly and reluctantly whispered, "Nine." He looked away, averting his gaze my clamping his eyelids shut. His papery sheets crinkled and he stifled a moan. _

_Meredith sighed and rubbed her forehead while her brows knotted together in concern and she asked him, "Derek, that's…" Awful? Painful? How many obvious words can you come up with? She bit back her words. "How long?"_

"_What?" His voice slurred. Playing dumb. _

"_How long has it been hurting that bad?" Meredith repeated, impatience and frustration dripped from her voice before she could prevent it. She couldn't help it. "It's been four days, they should have you on the right medication by now…" _

_His mouth grew into a taut line, and his voice was thick as he forced, "A few… hours." He swallowed in his dry throat, and Meredith could see his Adam's apple bob slowly. She clamped her mouth shut and dragged her free hand through her hair. He didn't tell her. He was laying there in immense pain, and he didn't tell her. All his pride served as a mask, and Meredith wished more than anything she could see through it better. _

"_Derek…" She said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Hang on, I'll call one of the nurses~" _

"_No," He said, and his voice gained a small amount of intensity as he cut her off. She eyed him and paused, now standing. "I don't need it," He pursed his lips. She could see his fist clench underneath the sheet, a lump under the ugly cream sheets. His legs shook. Pain was eating him from inside out, and he was holding it in. _

"_What? Are you crazy?" She said, shaking her head reluctantly. "I'll just ask them for a little more morphine, okay?" _

"_I said I'm fine," He repeated. His pride was too big. _

_She sighed, but her words grew firm. "Derek, I am your wife, and I __**know **__you. You are in pain. And it hurts me to see you in pain. I'm going to ask for morphine, and that's that. Derek." She looked at him and his eyes remained shut for a moment, but his lip shook for a moment, as if he was going to say something else, so she waited. But he didn't, and so she turned and called out to his nurse who stood conveniently sipping coffee at a nurse's station. The nurse nodded and went back to sipping her coffee, and Meredith grinded her teeth. How could she just be sitting there drinking coffee like nothing had happened? How could she be smiling, while the two people in the room right next to her had their worlds ripped in two, ruthlessly, without regrets? It wasn't fair. _

_She sighed, containing her raging emotions, and spun back into Derek's room. Her legs were shaking. Actually, they had been for the last three days, so it had become the norm: But that made it no less frustrating or unbecoming. She leaned against the doorway and looked at him._

_His face didn't look peaceful in the least. It was contorted with pain, and his lips quivered. It looked as if every muscle in his face was tense and firm, locked to prevent any emotions from coming out. He was straining himself to stay strong. Meredith bit her lip and felt her heart ache inside of her chest, and she clenched her fists. Her poor Derek. "Derek…" She whispered sadly and she moved, swaying closer to his bedside. She put a hand lightly onto his tight, chilly cheek and felt the warmth radiate from her palm to his skin. She could feel the light traces of stubble scratch against her soft skin. She frowned, "It's okay, you know. To let it out." Her words fell out of her mouth quietly, and they swarmed around him softly. He bit his quivering lip and shook his head. He was going to burst. _

_She expected him to keep his mouth clamped still, but much to her surprise, he let out a feeble moan and shook his head again, his eyes still shut, "It hurts, it hurts," The words seeped through his teeth, pain ridden and miserable, and Meredith's heart dropped like a stone in her chest. "It hurts," He repeated over and over again, and his tense muscles went slack with sadness and release. Every moan laced with discomfort made Meredith internally wince, and her frown deepened. A tear slipped out from under his eyelid and she watched as it trailed in a fat drop down his cheek and sink into the pillow beneath his head. His body shook, and he refused to open his eyes. They were screwed shut, still trying to hold everything in. _

_She felt her heart break all over again, and her voice was low and thick as she tried to comfort him. She put her palms on either sides of his cold cheeks and held his head up, although the weight of his worries seemed to be pushing him down. "I know, Derek…" She whispered to him, her words warbling in her throat. "I know." _

**XXX**

No, Meredith was not the biggest fan of the ICU.

It took her a moment to realize that during her flashback, standing across the hallway, was Derek himself. He was leaning on one of the nurses stations- Gosh, she loved that lean- and he was just… looking at her. But not just _at _her. **Into **her, in that way that he had done since as long as she could remember. He knew her, and the moment their eyes met, she spun away, facing the glass of the room. Her vision blurred, and unexpected tears filled her eyes. She blinked them away.

It only took a few moments before she could feel Derek's hot breath dust her neck, and she could hear his footsteps stop a few feet behind her. There was a pause, and it seemed as if the world around them stilled for a few moments, leaving them isolated and awkward. She shifted her feet and refused to look at him, keeping her icy gaze locked ahead of her, her neck locked in position. She chewed on the inside of her cheek as his breath came closer, and goose bumps rippled across her skin.

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice came low and soft from behind her, and although he was only a few feet away, it felt as if it were miles. There was another pause, and the cold air swirled around them, nipping at their skin.

She shook her head and kept her words short and to the point, "No."

She could hear him sigh, and she kept staring straight ahead, not allowing herself to even glance at him. The moment she did, she knew she would falter and let her guard down: Something she simply could not allow to happen. So they simply stood there in the unwelcome silence for awhile, her staring ahead and him standing behind, breathing on her skin and making her shiver. She forced herself to become frozen, like a statue, letting no emotions in, and no emotions out. The buzzing hospital soon seemed farther away, and she no longer felt like she was in the center of a world moving to fast.

She suddenly became aware that his hand was on her shoulder, and she snapped back into the reality again. The cruel, relentless, reality: It wasn't sugar-coated or exaggerated, it was cut and dry, and she frowned. Whipping around to face him, his hand was torn from her shoulder and flopped to his side as if it was lifeless. His face, though, wasn't sopping with anger: Simply creased with a frown, and draped with concern. She sucked in her breath, "Stop, just stop!"

He swallowed and shifted his weight, his eyes filled to the brim with worry. "What?" He took a step closer towards her, but she recoiled a step away. He gulped again, his Adam's apple dancing nervously in his throat.

"Stop!" She repeated loudly, until she realized it wasn't going to get her anywhere anytime soon. She took another breath and exaggerated gestured with her hands, and she spoke fast and angry. "Stop being so nice to me! Stop pretending that what happened back there was nothing! Stop acting like you're okay! Stop!" Derek was clearly taken aback by her outburst, and his lips parted, but no expected response came. He just stared at her. This was not the reaction he had guessed would come from her, and so all he could do was look, and all he could do was watch and wait for something to happen. He didn't know what to do. She was flaming out. She continued, and her speech increased in speed as she rambled angrily. "I know you think I was out of line, but in my opinion I was right, and I am right, and so if doing that in there was my way of advocating for the patient, then you should accept it! I did what I thought, and still think, is right, you couldn't just let a girl _maybe _wake up, or _maybe _die, or _maybe _anything!" She could sense she was going to give something up, but she couldn't stop herself. "She was scared, and I was scared, and I have a right to be scared, Derek! I can't be perfect all the time!" Her voice was getting shakier, "I can't just go along with things like they're okay when they're not! I can't be expected to do that! I can't~" He knew exactly what she meant.

But Derek cut her off briskly by pulling her into a large embrace. She was pulled into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, and she fell into it completely, giving herself up. She wrapped her arms around his back as well, and he held her. The hospital around them was gone, and it was just them, just him holding her. She clutched to him like a shield and dug her face into his chest, and he nestled his head into the crook of her neck, where her hair smelled so lovely- like lavender, like their love.

"I know," He whispered into her ear, and calmed her trembling body.

"_I know."_

_**A/N: I hope that cleared up some of the reason Meredith grew so attached to the patient. Also, you can see why she was upset at the end. If you're still confused just let me know, and I'll try to explain even better in the next chapter. **_

_**Reviews are so motivating, and are much appreciated.**_

_**Thank you ALL so much for reading! Here is a preview to my next chapter, for anyone curious :) It's not much, just a little snippet I have.**_

_-She just wanted to touch his face, feel the warmth of his skin, and to be kissed. Her mouth, her neck, her cheek, her forehead, her collarbone: She didn't care where, but she needed him. He was her castle, her safe place, and he was what she really needed from the first place. But she just, in that moment, needed him and everything he was more than anything. But, was there something holding __**him**__ back?-_


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N: Wow. I don't know what else to say. Thank you so very much for the comments. I read them, and I wasn't originally going to update, but I was so blown away by them that I sat down and wrote up this whole chapter. I hope you enjoy :) Its not as long as I would have liked it, but I figured it'd be nice to give you guys an update. Thank you to everyone reading. **_

Meredith blinked, and the dim light of early morning crawled into her vision. She groaned into her pillow and sighed quietly, twisting her hands into the soft sheets of the bed. Rain fell outside their window, and it pattered against the roof. It left streaks down the glass, leaving tiny droplets in its trail. The wind howled along with it, and the house creaked. She rolled around to face her husbands sleeping form. The breath softly traveled out from the space between his lips as he exhaled, and his eyelids were still gently shut.

She moved closer to him and snuggled up against his warm skin, and she could feel the cold float in through the crack in their window. She gently placed her head into the crook of his neck, and he radiated his warmth onto her. It was still just the sunrise, and the light was still existent, but she didn't mind. She just watched him sleep, peacefully, worry-free. His hair was a mess and his face was scruffy with stubble, but she didn't mind. He looked content all the same.

Meredith reached her hand up and gently placed it on the space over his heart, and she felt the constant thumping of his reassuring heartbeat. It was melodic and soothing, promising, and it made her lips curl into a soft smile. She brought her fingers up to his clavicle and set them there, and she could barely feel the scratchy groove of a scar. Frowning, she let her fingers dance down the length of it, where his soft skin grew rough. She could feel where Cristina had opened him up.

She lay her palm flat on the skin of his chest where the scar finally ended and sighed. It rose and fell with his steady breathing. Derek wasn't entirely self-conscious about the scar anymore: Or at least he acted like he wasn't. He had accepted it, after awhile. It took him a bit, though. Once again, his pride had totally taken over.

**XXX **

_It had been three days since Meredith had the ability to take Derek home from the hospital, and at first she was grateful. So incredibly grateful. She remembered shaking the nurses hands- all seven of them- and repeating, reiterating, her thanks. She remembered saying how grateful she was so fast that her words meshed together. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. It became a routine. Every doctor she passed, she nodded and smiled at. He was no longer just a patient. He was recovering. They were recovering. _

_But the days home had been harder than the hospital. _

_He needed assistance doing almost everything. He couldn't go up the stairs without her letting him lean on her. It hurt to talk. She helped him with physical therapy almost three times a day. The pain medications he was on made him moody and emotional, and occasionally impossible to communicate with. His flashbacks attacked him multiple times a day, and panic attacks were often inevitable. He hadn't cried yet- and by that, I mean legitimately sobbed, but Meredith figured he was a ticking time bomb of… feelings. Or something along those lines. He was one of those people, that instead of showing his sadness as it was, he transformed it into anger directed at all the wrong people. And it was something hard to work with._

_Now she sat outside the bathroom, after him insisting he could shower by himself. He hadn't showered alone yet. At the hospital he received sponge baths in order to avoid getting water by his incision site, but weeks had gone by, and he was given the OK. Somehow he had persuaded Meredith to let him do it by himself, and she was skeptical, given that he could barely get his shirt off by himself. But he had insisted it, and Meredith finally accepted it. She reluctantly stood outside the door 20 minutes later, impatiently knocking and getting ready to jiggle the handle open. "Derek, you've been in there for twenty minutes, are you sure you don't need help?" He hadn't even started the shower yet. _

"_I'm fine!" He snapped back, but he had said that sentence so often that it was starting to not even sound like real words to her. She sighed and stretched the ponytail holder that she held onto into her messy waves of hair and twisted it tight. _

"_No, you're not!" She called back, gritting her teeth. She tapped her foot. She heard something clang with something else, and then a bump, and she placed her hand on the door handle, ready to pop in. There was another bang, it didn't take her long to press the door open and enter. He was struggling with the left side of his shirt, and the rest of it was tangled around him like a straight jacket. His eyes were wide as she entered, embarrassment sprawling across his cheeks. He swallowed. _

"_I can do this," He forced. She simply crossed her arms and leaned against the doorway, looking at him. _

"_Then show me," She said softly, but firmly and to the point. _

_He sighed loudly and struggled harder. His hands and brain just didn't seem to be communicating corrected. His stomach heaved as he tried to keep his breathing in check. He bumped against the wall, slamming his back hard, and the force invited pain to echo in his chest, radiating from the epicenter of his heart. He moaned and gritted his teeth, just standing there, leaning and breathless. He wheezed. Meredith frowned and cautiously moved closer to her, her slippers rubbing against the tile of the floor, and she faced him. He let his arms down, a silent surrender, and averted his gaze. _

"_Hey, it's okay," She offered gently. She took the fabric of his shirt between the pads of her forefingers and stretched it upwards. "Let me help, Derek." His panting slowed and she dragged the fabric away from him, looping it over his head and around his arm until it was free of clinging to his body. She let it float to the floor, settling down in a heap at their feet. _

_She blinked at his chest, his beautiful chest. Meredith had always had a thing for his chest. It was perfect. Or, it had been. But now, a large pink scar stretched from his sternum to the bottom of his ribcage, a tear in the heart of him. It was big and loud and unforgiving, sitting right there, staring her in the face. It mocked and it taunted. And it wouldn't go away. _

_He caught her staring and he narrowed his eyes. Embarrassment and self-consciousness flickered in them, and he gritted his teeth together. He pulled away from her, wobbly on his own feet. "It's ugly, I know," He said through his teeth, and he didn't look at her. He couldn't. The words stung, and Meredith swallowed at the impact. _

"_No, it's~" She started, but not before he cut her off. The spray of the shower interrupted her sentence. _

"_Whatever," He spat, and he leaned on the entrance to the shower wobbly. She took a step towards him. He shut his eyes to get his center of balance in tact, and then he whispered, "I can do this by myself." _

_Meredith shook her head and crossed her arms, refusing to be fooled again. "You can go in by yourself, but I'm sitting right out here whether you like it or not, Derek." Before he could argue, she slammed the toilet seat cover down and sat firmly on it. It rubbed and squeaked under her weight, and she crossed her leg, daring him to argue. She leaned back against the cold backing and sighed. _

_She watched as he shakily shut the shower door behind him, and heard the change in water pressure as the spray hit his skin instead of the tub. And she sat there for a good ten minutes and listened to that, before a squeak and a thump interrupted the constant stream of the spray. She scrambled up from being perched on the toilet seat and rushed to the side of the shower, throwing the door open and listening to it glide against the metal. "Derek?" She exclaimed nervously. _

_He was down in the corner of the shower, leaning his back up against the tub. "Derek, did you fall? Are you okay?" His fingers scrabbled against the slippery bottom, and his feet slipped, going nowhere no matter how hard her tried. His hands then clamped the sides of the tub as he struggled to hoist himself upright, but it was a feeble attempt, and she cringed as she watched. He moaned in pain and fell back into the corner, curling into an upright fetal position. He wheezed out breaths laced with pain as he nodded at her brokenly. _

"_I slipped, and I can't… I need…" He panted, but he couldn't finish his sentence. He brought one of his hands up to his chest and held it, grimacing. Dribbles of water fell down his face, and the stream dripped from his hair. _

_She sucked in her breath sharply and cautiously climbed in under the spray before reaching out to twist it off. The sound stopped and quietness returned to the room, with a few drips leaking from above. She struggled for a spot, but when she found one she sat down, and she could feel the leftover water immediately begin to form a puddle on the butt of her jeans. She ignored it and inched over to face him directly. She put a hand on his chin and said softly, "Are you okay?" She used her fingers to gently push some loose wet strands of hair away from his eyes. _

"_No," He said, and his rubbed at his chest. She was surprised. His pride dissolved, the barrier broken down, and she traced her fingers down his soaking hairline. He shook his head and rubbed harder. "Mer," He pleaded. His chest throbbed, and his breaths were still fast and uneven. _

_She gently placed her hand over his and held it still, feeling his rapid heartbeat. "Shh, breathe," She whispered. "You're okay. Breathe for me." His eyelids fluttered shut and he did, slowly bringing his heartbeat back to normal. She nodded encouragingly at him and watched as his wheezing exhales calmed, and his fingers relaxed from his chest. She put a hand on his thigh supportively and looked up, blinking at him. "Good, Derek," She encouraged. "How does you feel?" She then blurted in a whisper, and she felt bad for being so blunt about it. How do you think it feels? At first he didn't answer. He just lay there, his scar going up and down, and his hands on the bottom of the tub. His wet body weak and limp against the support of the shower. Meredith considered repeating the question, but eventually decided against it. If he wasn't going to answer, he wasn't going to answer. That was that. She looked down and bit her lip. _

_Much to her surprise, his voice cut quietly through the silence. It was dripping with discomfort and hesitation. "I feel…" He trailed off and searched for the right words, praying that something would come to him, that the right words would appear. He needed them. He needed to say something to her, but he didn't know what. He didn't know what words to use to help her, to give her what she wanted. He opened his eyes at looked at her, and her eyebrows knitted together in concern. "I…" He started again, but his voice broke the more he looked at her. She was staying so strong for him. She had gone through something unspeakably awful. Even if she wasn't physically injured, she could tell that she was in pain. It was probably so hard for her to hold it all together… just for him. To keep her emotions in check for him. To help him. To support him. To deal with his mood swings or yelling without a reason. She was taking care of him so supportively, so kind, so caring… But who was holding her up? Who was carrying her? Gary Clark had ripped right through their lives. _

_Those thoughts swamped his head and his breath caught in his throat. It wasn't fair. None of that was fair. "I hate this," He blurted, and before she could even keep track of what was going on, he began to sob. _

_Derek Shepherd, the love of her life, was sobbing. _

_His chest heaved and tears grappled his cheeks, while his shoulders shook and his knees trembled. His breaths were ragged and broke off at the end with cries, and moans popped up every here and there from the pain that crying was exerting on his chest. He screwed his eyes shut in a feeble attempt to keep it in, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. "It hurts, Mer, it hurts so bad." He stuttered, tripping over his words. "And nothing works. The pain, it won't go away, no matter how I try. It's always there. Always. I can't even shower by myself without…" He moaned, cutting off his words. "It hurts, it hurts, it __**hurts. **__I don't know how to make it stop. How do I make it stop? I don't… I can't…" Coughs chuffed from his chest and he winced largely, all the while as Meredith's heart throbbed in her chest. _

"_Oh, Derek…" She whispered, and she put her hands on either sides of his face, holding his head up for him, even though the weight of the pain tried to push it down once more. "I'm so sorry," Her voice broke in her throat and she swallowed the lump of sadness that perched at the back of her throat. "I'm so sorry," She repeated, and a sole tear ran down her cheek, trailing along her soft skin smoothly. _

"_Don't apologize," He moaned. "I want to be there for you, but I can't, I'm really trying, I'm trying, I…" He bit his quivering lip. "You deserve more than this. More than this sobbing mess in the corner," He took a shaky breath, and tried to regain his composure. "I'm sorry." _

"_I know," She said. Her voice was thick with tears. "I know you're trying, and I don't ask for anything more. Derek, don't apologize for doing this. Something happened to you, and you have the right to be upset, you have the right to be in pain, okay? There is no need to mask that, or it will just hurt even more," She said softly. He nodded dully, so small that she barely could notice it, but he did. She leaned into him and pressed their foreheads together softly, her warm skin to his damp forehead. She used the pad of her thumb to swipe a few tears off of his cheek. "I love you, and you're going to be okay." _

_He opened his eyes and blinked away a few remaining tears, but he looked at her. Their gaze met, and he shakily brought a hand up to her chin and tipped it upwards. "We're going to get through this, Derek," She said, her voice wet and raspy." _

"_I love you too," He whispered, and he kissed her fully on the lips. It was gentle and loving and it meant the world to her. He continued to kiss her as tears fell down his face. _

_**XXX**_

Months later, and Meredith still didn't feel like she had completely gotten through it. She felt like the whole thing was a heavy blanket over her, one that she couldn't seem to get off of her shoulders. She wanted to, though. So badly. The nightmares were frustrating enough, but with the baby drama, she didn't want to give Derek another thing to worry about.

Another part of her felt like _he _still had some lingering problems. Derek being Derek, he had that infuriating talent of hiding it.

She looked at him some more, and traced her finger lightly up his jaw line. She just wanted to touch his face, feel the warmth of his skin, and to be kissed. Her mouth, her neck, her cheek, her forehead, her collarbone: She didn't care where, but she needed him. He was her castle, her safe place, and he was what she really needed from the first place. But she just, in that moment, needed him and everything he was more than anything. But, was there something holding **him** back? She couldn't be sure. Maybe what they needed was a break. Something like a mini vacation. Or even, if not that, maybe they just needed a date night, to get away from everything else. Meredith nodded to herself sleepily. She'd do that. She'd plan a date night.

Meredith sighed contently and curled her body closer to his, nestling herself aligned with his sleeping body. She wrapped an arm around his chest and reached, sighing into his chest. She kissed his chest gently, and looked up at his face. "We'll figure this out," She whispered, even if he couldn't hear it, it didn't matter. All that had mattered was that she said it.

_**A/N: So, Meredith is planning a date night. I feel like they can use a little fun, don't you think? Oh, and if you're wondering why I'm putting in so many flashbacks, it's mostly because I really wanted to see what the recovery looked like: And we never got to see that on the show. I'm hoping you're enjoying them :)**_

_**Thanks for reading, everyone! **_

_**Comments are appreciated! **_


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews! Here is the date night chapter :) I wanted to give something back to all of you for reading, so I made this chapter really long, haha. I hope you enjoy it. It took me a few days, but I'm hoping it was worth it. This was definitely one of the longest chapters I have ever written! **_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

Meredith tapped her heels impatiently as she waited in the lounge of the restaurant. Derek had said he would be meeting her there at 6:45, after he was done with his shift, and he still hadn't arrived. Other people came and went, and the door would chime as the chilly air wafted in to meet her. She'd glance up and her hopes would rise, but it would turn out to be another person or another happy couple, and her hope would plummet, falling like a stone in her chest. It was now 7:00, and Derek wasn't answering his cell phone or pager. Where was he? She knew he was a surgeon, and duty called, of course: Saving lives was important. But even so…

_I have a plan for us tonight, _she had said in the early depths of the morning, when there was still only a sliver of light through the cracks of the window. He had yawned and questioned her as to what she was talking about, and she smiled at him, nuzzled into his neck, and grinned. _A date night, _she giggled as her hand wrapped around his warm upper body. _A date night? _And then he had smiled, liking the idea- that wide smile that made her want to melt into a dripping puddle of adoration and love.

She shifted on her feet and gazed around the swanky restaurant. It had a funky, modern feel, with chunky blue lights that hung from the ceiling and cushy white seating that decorated the sparkly dining area. It was a restaurant he had wanted to check out, downtown, but with all the things that had happened, it had slipped away from their minds. But, Meredith felt like they needed a break of some sort: Just, a way to temporarily escape the reality of the problems that they had faced.

She had gotten all dressed up for him. She wore that sleek black dress with the low back that hugged her curves in all the right places, she had taken a few minutes to put on some remnants of makeup, and she even curled her hair for him. It was bouncy and cascaded down in tumbling waterfalls of gold locks, and was glowing under the white lights. She shifted her weight back to her other foot impatiently and sighed, flashing her eyes down to look at the screen of her cell phone again. Her dress began to itch. She felt like her new lip-gloss was fading. Her heels were suddenly uncomfortable. Where was he? If he decided to stand her up, she would not be very~

"Meredith," The voice floated from the door as a chime echoed in the entrance, and Meredith lifted her gaze towards the direction it came from. It was Derek, all right, his hair messy and undone and his tie twisted from the wind. His shoes were splashed with a few spare drips of mud, and his breaths were shallow and begging: It was imminent that he had been running, rushing. He took strides towards her and smiled, "Hi."

She glared at him, "You're late." She crossed her arms over her chest and let out a huff in his direction.

"What?" He frowned, and then glanced down at his slick back watch. He sucked in his breath, caught off guard, "Oh... I am." He lifted his gaze back to her, his eyes sparkling with apologies, and he rambled quickly, "I~"

She sighed and ran her hands through her hair, but cut him off, "It's okay." There was no use arguing about it. It was only a few minutes. She reached up and took the silky fabric of his dark blue tie between her fingers and untwisted it so it fell flat against his toned chest. She kissed his cheek. "There."

"You look beautiful." He reached up to cup a hand on her cheek and used his thumb to stroke down her jaw line. She leaned into him, grinning, and he couldn't help but smile back.

"Grey, party of two?" A deep male voice piped up from the reservations table at the front of the restaurant, and Meredith's ears perked at the sound. She smiled and nodded, awknowledging his call, and tangled Derek's fingers in hers. They intertwined until they found the familiar fit, and then they followed the waiter through the maze of modern white tables. Couples laughed and sipped wine, cups clinked against each other, and there was the sound of silverware scraping across the plates. They were guided to the center of the back of the room, a place where the lights reflected off of the dinnerware and silver mirrors glittered on the blue wall behind them. The small, table for two had a centerpiece of a white candle, with blue stones that radiated from it in a circular fashion.

Meredith pulled the comfortable white chair back, and plopped into it. It skidded across the floor as she dragged herself back closer to the table, and Derek did the same. They babbled their wine order and the waiter bounced away, leading them in the midst of the sweet smelling restaurant and the other couples that chided softly. She pulled off her black trench coat and draped it along the backing of her chair. She looked up at Derek and felt a smile stretch across her cheeks. The lights bounced off of Derek's face, casting a shadow across his chin. He smiled back.

"This is really nice, Meredith." He said earnestly, blinking as his eyes ate up the sights. "Thanks."

She felt herself blushing, her cheeks growing flush and warm, and she fingered the smooth white tablecloth. "Oh, it was no big deal." She picked up the menu covered in smooth plastic, and she ran her hand across the binding as she scanned the food options. Calamari? She remembered Derek had forced her to try that once, and she had immediately spit it out. _It tastes like fish, _he had assured her, and she had snorted in doubt put popped the squishy ring into her mouth anyways. She had chewed, twisted her lips in disgust, and spit it into her napkin. He had scowled at her, _It's not that bad. _

Or, there was steak. She didn't get to have steak very often. Her eyes continued to flicker across the twisty, luxury print of the page. Salmon? That wasn't too bad. She didn't like fish very much, but it had a tangy taste to it that at least made it a little exciting. Mashed potatoes, chicken breast, breaded chicken breast, lemon crusted chicken breast, dumpling soup, shrimp scampi, chicken alfredo pasta, sun dried tomato and bean dip…

"This place looks good," Derek spoke to himself across the table, putting his thoughts on the table. Meredith smiled and lifted her gaze to him.

"Yeah. Not sure about the calamari, but hey, that's the only con I see here," She joked, snickering at him and looking back down to her menu.

"Hey!" He remarked defensively. He set his menu on the table, "That stuff is good. You and I both know that you're just afraid to admit it."

She rolled her eyes and scowled, "It was gross, Derek. It was all squishy and chewy and… Ew." She scrunched up her nose adorably and shook her head, as if she was trying to shake the taste off of her tongue.

"You didn't even swallow it!"

"My point exactly," She said, grinning at him. She folded her menu neatly and set it on the table. "I know what I'm going to get." He chuckled and smiled at her, his teeth sparkling with the lights. "Hey," She warned. "It's not calamari, so don't smile at me like that. You did not win this argument. Actually, your argument is pretty much invalid."

He shook his head, "I know. I'm just… looking at you." She raised an eyebrow, amused, and the corner of her mouth curled into a small smile.

"Looking at me?"

He shrugged, "You're just so… beautiful."

Flattered, she felt her face flush again, her cheeks growing hot, and she looked down blankly at her menu. Her hair fell over her shoulder, and she hid her rosy face from his adoring gaze until the waiter came and placed the wine bottle, as well as the glasses, onto their white tablecloth. He poured it for them, and it splashed into their glasses as it sloshed softly along the glass sides, leaving a shiny residue behind. "And, what can I get you two today?" He said, his voice high and slow as he drew out the sentence. Meredith smiled up at him.

"I'll take the lemon crusted chicken, please," She said, holding her menu up for him to take.

Derek was next, and he nodded and eyed the waiter, "And I'd like the grilled salmon with dill. Thanks." He handed over his menu, and as quick as the waiter had come, he disappeared back into the kitchen, his trot quick and important, like the food orders of the world were in his hands. Meredith reached over and took the glass of wine in her hands, feeling the liquid weight in her hands. She brought it up to her lips and took a sip, neatly, and she continued to hold it tenderly in the air. She licked her lips.

"Good wine," She mused at him, eyeing the yellow-tinted liquid that danced in her glass. Derek nodded his agreement wholeheartedly. "Hey, what were you doing at the hospital?" Her voice rose a little bit, her hope spiking in her throat, "Was it Michelle? Did she wake up?" She bounced a little in her chair, and the corner of her mouth rose a bit as she began to grin.

Derek eyed her and then frowned, setting his wine glass down. His voice dipped low and dripped with disappointment. "No, Meredith, she didn't. I was just checking on her progress, but… she didn't make any."

Meredith's face fell, and she felt herself stiffen in her chair. "Oh," She squeaked quietly, and she stared down at the flickering white candle. "Oh," She repeated, absorbing the facts that had fell from Derek's lips and sunk their way into her brain. She played with the seam on the tablecloth, and set her wine glass down.

"I'm sorry," He said quickly, apologetically. He meant it. He wished he didn't have to.

Meredith shook her head, and rubbed her temple with her hand, sighing, "Don't be. I just thought… that with you being there so late, that, you know…" She trailed off, letting the sentence die it's own death. She folded her hands in front of her on the table and picked at a hangnail on her thumb.

"I know," He said softly, nodding. "I know." She stared sadly ahead of her, but she felt Derek's warm palms fall softly over the top of her hands. She looked up at him, blinking, and she forced a smile. He rubbed her hands in small circles and smiled reassuringly back at her. "But there's still a good chance. Right?"

"Right," She affirmed. She stared into his eyes lovingly, and she licked her lips. "Right." She slipped her hand out from under his and picked up her wine again, brought it to her lips, and let the smooth liquid trickle down her throat. She exhaled when she was finished, content, and leaned back in her chair. Meredith looked at Derek, and Derek looked at Meredith. They sat there for a few minutes, smiling at each other, in awe of the love that each other held. Meredith's heart fluttered the more she looked at him.

"Derek?" Her voice was soft.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for coming tonight," She said quietly. He nodded and smiled.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world. There isn't anyone I'd rather be with." Her heart danced in her chest again, and she crossed her legs under the table. He made her feel so special. He made her feel like she deserved so much. He made her feel loved, and she was always so grateful for that.

"I love you," She blurted, the words flying from her lips as if they had a mind of their own. She bit her lip back, and embarrassment climbed across her face.

"Yeah?" He looked at her. "I love you too." He paused for a moment, but after looking deep in thought, he added, "And I can't wait to have a family with you. I can't wait to live with you and grow up with our kids."

_Children, as in multiple?_

She smiled at him, the positivity in his words making her grin infectious. "All of them. Us in our big house on your land, and you'll be playing with them in the backyard…"

"…_Our _land, Mer," He corrected, his smile shimmering in the light. "And you'll be inside with the girls, teaching them how to cook~" He paused, and laughter exploded from his mouth. "~Oh. Never mind."

Meredith giggled and rolled her eyes, "I could cook, you know. If I took the time to learn." She took a sip of her wine.

"Yeah, okay, Mer. Whatever you say..."

"Shut up!" Laughter bubbled from her throat and she grinned. It felt good. "Okay, so maybe _you'll _be the one teaching them how to cook."

"They're not the only ones I'll be teaching to cook."

"Derek!" She laughed, gasping with false offense. She shook her head at him. "That's not the way to talk to your wife, mister."

He raised his hands up in an effigy of defensiveness. "Yes, dear." He snickered, then laughed. They laughed together for awhile, their table a chorus of sparkling giggles and beaming smiles, the kind that seemed like they were the source of all the lights in the room. Meredith felt great. She felt… light.

_I'll lighten up when I feel… light!_

It didn't take long for the waiter to return with a metal tray, balancing their large, hearty meals as it quivered on the tray. Meredith yanked the white fabric napkin from the silver napkin ring and draped it on her lap in preparation. She widened her sparkling eyes when she saw the platter set out in front of her, large and juicy and steaming. The smell climbed its way into her nose, and she exhaled in pleasure. It smelled delicious. She could almost feel her mouth watering. In fact, she didn't even pay attention to Derek's platter full of pink meat that clattered down in front of him. She was in a food trance, and she scrambled to grab her fork. The waiter was long gone before she even had a chance to say thank you.

She grabbed the cold fork between the pads of her fingers and sawed it into the edge of the chicken until she pried a piece away, and she brought it to her mouth. She licked it and chewed as the tangy taste filled her mouth and pooled in her cheeks. She chomped and swallowed, breathing out. "It's so good," She moaned, digging her fork in for another bite.

Derek looked at her, eyebrows cocked, amused. "Someone's hungry." It was then when he decided to start taking bites himself, and she could hear him murmur about how good his salmon was, too. Some words along the lines of 'amazing' and 'delicious.'

Meredith gulped her wine and ate and chewed and swallowed and savored, and she didn't even have the self-control to pull herself away from the juicy, tangy meat to start a conversation. She was invested in her food. When was the last time they went out to dinner? She didn't realize how much she missed the taste of real food, and not cereal, or any other junk she tried to make.

"Sorry," She said apologetically, as she noticed that the waiter was making his way to their table with the check. She swallowed the bite she had been chewing. "I was kind of antisocial. It was just really good. Sorry," She stammered.

A smile curved at his lips, "Don't apologize. I was the same. I'm glad you liked it." The waiter promptly arrived and slapped it down on the table, his hand on his hip, waiting for them to make their move. Derek swallowed and flipped the book open, and then slid his smooth black credit card into one of the pockets. And the check was gone before Meredith could open her mouth to protest. She frowned. "What?" He asked nervously. Did he do something wrong?

"You paid."

"I paid," He repeated, nodding. What?

"I invited _you _out, and you paid. For a dinner _I _asked you to come to," She spoke slowly, and then scowled.

"We're married, my money is your money," And he shrugged, that was that. She clamped her mouth shut and pouted, but couldn't help but to smile. How on earth had she gotten so lucky as to find him?

They looked up to find that their speedy, ominous waiter had returned. Shocker. He was everywhere. His young, clean shaven face smiled at them as he placed the checkbook back on the table, and Derek withdrew his credit card before slipping it back into his black wallet. He then clicked the back of the pen on the table before he reviewed the check, and began to scribble his signature. "How was it?" The waiter inquired, as waiters usually do.

Derek nodded and smiled enthusiastically, "It was great, really. Thank you… Erm...?" He trailed off, realizing that he hadn't ever said his name.

"Oh, excuse my manners!" He apologized. And then he added nonchalantly, "Clark."

Derek's hand froze from his writing. Clark. Mr. Clark. Clark. They were too similar… So very similar. He stared ahead of him, but instead of seeing the check and the silky white tablecloth, he saw a man with graying hair and a weathered face, looking down on him, holding the biggest threat in the world…

"_Mr. Clark…" He coughed, wheezing, his voice cold and hoarse from the empty hole in this chest. He was overtaken by pain, and it kept him glued to the ground. His voice shook as he begged, tears perched thickly in the back of his throat as he coughed, "Please," He tried to raise his head up, but it was just too heavy to lift. It was just too heavy. The weight of the pain forced him back onto the cold ground of the catwalk, and he waited. It hurt so bad. Pain radiated from the center of his chest: He was pinned against the cold ground, pinned and helpless as he began to cry. _

Meredith saw the change in his expression, and instantly knew what was wrong. He was flashing back. His face was contorted in fear, and his hand was shaking. The pen didn't move from its frozen place. She could feel the table shake from his vibrating forearms. "Derek!" She snapped, not with anger, but simply to save him from his trance. "Derek!"

He was quickly brought back to reality- or at least it seemed that way. He blinked and looked up at her, his mouth trembling, as if he was trying to form a word, but he couldn't do it. The gears simply weren't turning for him, and reality didn't seem real. She sighed and carefully reached her hands across the table, took the cold metal pen from his hand, and slid the checkbook back to her. She signed and slapped it shut, handing it back up to the waiter. He took it, but confusion was evident on his face. Meredith looked at him apologetically, and he looked back without understanding. "Thanks," She stammered. Derek was already walking out to the car.

**X**

"Derek?" She called, as she threw the restaurant door open. Chilly air slapped her face, and she sucked in her breath. February was cold, especially in Seattle. She folded her arms across her chest and looked around on the sidewalk of the city, until the man pacing along the wall caught her eye. He was muttering something along the lines of 'I'm stupid.' "Derek," She sighed, and she crossed her arms tighter around her body as another gust of cold wind blew through the night air. "You're not stupid," She walked over to him, but he seemed oblivious to anything she said.

He shook his head at no one in particular and muttered, "We were having a good time…" He pivoted on his heels and paced the other way. "And I had to go and ruin it, again…" He turned once again, striding the other way and dragging his hand through his hair. "Because I'm stupid, and messed up, or whatever. I'm not crazy. But he was just… and I…" He groaned inwardly and turned to swivel again, his heels scraping across the cold, dirty sidewalk, but Meredith's arms caught him. He was stopped abruptly.

"Hey," She said softly. She cupped his face in her hands and tipped it down to face her. "Derek, it's okay."

"No," He snapped. "It's not. It's been months, Meredith, and I still can't even go through a date night without ruining something."

"You didn't ruin anything."

"I flipped out because of a **name, **in the middle of our dinner."

"And…?" She said softly. She leaned up to him and kissed him gently, trailing her fingers through his hair. She stroked his cheek. "I told you it was okay. I understand."

He stammered, "I'm sorry, I~"

"Don't," She insisted, and she kissed him softly again. She tipped her head up to gaze at him, and a soft, understanding smile crept along the corners of her mouth. "Just because its been months certainly doesn't mean the scars are gone. It's okay. You didn't ruin anything, Derek, I promise." She released his face and smiled reassuringly at him. He sighed, but forced a smile through his lips. "But," She warned, looking at him, her words firm. "That doesn't mean we won't talk about this later, okay?"

She meant everything she said. She still had nightmares.

But, he didn't need to know that.

"Thanks," He said softly. She was so understanding of everything he went through. He wrapped his arm around her, enveloping her in his warmth, putting the subject to rest, and reached over to kiss her sweet smelling hair that glittered in the reflection of the street lights. She leaned into him, and they walked down the sidewalk of downtown Seattle. The city was a buzz around them. Couples walked down the sidewalk, business people were nervously chattering into their cell phones, not paying attention to where they walked or whom they walked into. The lights of the cities were bright, and they flickered from every which way as they took strides towards their car.

Derek decided to drive, and he hopped in his seat, and Meredith took hers. It was only a matter of seconds before the car hummed, roaring to life, and their seats rumbled beneath them. Heat wafted from the vents, and Derek's Clash CD whizzed in the CD player. He worked the steering wheel, pulling out of their parking spot carefully, as music began to thump in the car. The music of the Clash filled the cabin, and Meredith groaned. Derek looked over at her and grinned. "Aren't you supposed to pretend that you like my taste in music?"

"What **taste?**" Meredith scowled at him.

He chuckled, "Ouch."

She reached over and licked her lip as she clicked the glowing FM button. The music instantly cut off as the car searched to pick up a signal. "Don't worry, I'll put on some real music…" She trailed off, and then waited. She scanned the radio station until the car hit one that it apparently liked, and the beginning chords for 'Firework' by Katy Perry began to swamp the car. She grinned.

"This song is so overplayed," Derek snorted as he slid down the highway, his hands gripping the steering wheel. "I hear it once and it's stuck in my head for the next week."

"Oh, come on, Derek," She smirked as she reached to turn up the volume. The music grew louder, and he groaned, his throat rumbling. The lyrics smoothly filled the car, and the techno beats sizzled from the speakers. She shook her head to the beat. And then, she began to hum. Soon, the humming elevated to singing. "You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine…" She sang. Derek laughed and groaned.

"I'm telling you, it's going to be stuck in my head."

"…just own, the night, like the Fourth of July!" She said, her soft voice raising in his ear.

"Very funny, Meredith." He rolled his eyes, greatly amused.

"BABY, YOU'RE A FIREWORK!" She hollered, not caring if she had any substantial talent whatsoever. Her voice thundered, unwavering. Soon, her own singing was drowning out Katy's. "COME ON SHOW THEM WHAT YOU'RE WORTH!"

Derek pounded his head against the glass of the window.

"Make 'em go, oh, oh, oh~"

He snickered, "That sounds dirty…"

She rolled her eyes. "~as you shoot across the sky-y-y!" She sang directly into his ear, and he jumped, the car jittering at the movement. She burst out laughing as he scrambled to turn the volume down, cranking it until it was silent. "Derek," She whined playfully. Lights flashed down through the cabin of the car as they flew under a tunnel of orange lights. They danced across his cheeks. She smiled at him. "Come on, live a little."

"I swear, if that song keeps playing, we're going to get into an accident," He warned. She kissed his temple and leaned back in her chair with a content sigh. "I'm not kidding."

"Are you insulting my beautiful singing? And oh, come on, you're a good driver," She said, grinning. She leaned to the side of her seat and nuzzled her nose into his neck, after kissing his hairline. He tightened the grip on his steering wheel. "I trust you." She whispered against his ear, and she ran her hand up his arm.

He sucked in his breath. "Then stop distracting me," He said, but his words were faded and seemed to have barely any meaning. She sighed and ran her hands through her hair, and then pouted. She fell back into her chair.

"Fine," She grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. Derek laughed at her and then looked back to the road, revving the engine as he went faster. "Hey you, be careful, or I may have to start singing again." She warned, and she couldn't erase the smile off of her face, no matter how hard she tried to look serious.

**X **

Meredith stumbled into their entryway, and she tripped over one of the crumpled coats on the floor. "Crap," She muttered, trying to get her footing back to her, and she bent to grasp the loose fabric. She flapped it in the air, and dust wafted down from its fabric pores. "This house is such a mess, Derek."

"Tell that to the kids," He smiled, rolling his eyes. "Look, Lexie left all of her Chinese food on the table." He motioned to the counter in the kitchen, where there were indeed scattered remnants of whatever Chinese food she ordered. Rice dotted the counter, white specks against the darker. Meredith groaned.

"Can't we get April to clean it up?" She glanced down at her watch: Surely her shift would be over at the hospital soon. Lexie was already home, though, which they could see from the evidence that covered the counter.

"Meredith," Derek laughed. "She's not our maid."

Meredith shrugged, "Well, if she likes to clean, I say let her clean." Derek seemed to consider it for a moment, and then he nodded, obliging to her logic. He looked at her. She was glowing. She wore happiness like a dress, and it totally changed the way she looked. Her smile was genuine, her laugh was real, her hair was shimmering, her oceanic eyes were sparkling… She was beautiful. Every piece of her was beautiful, and she could help but to wonder how he got that lucky. She cocked her head to the side and smiled softly at him, "What?"

He was in awe of her, in awe of everything she was and had become.

She continued to smile, and she bit her lip as she reached across her to grasp both edges of his jacket. She twisted her fingers in the thick fabric and tugged, pulling him closer to her until their bodies were completely aligned. Derek brought a hand up to her cheek and trailed it down her face. They smiled at each other, unable to do or say anything else. What was there to say?

He leaned in to kiss her, and she wrapped her hands around his back, pressing against his muscles. He put a hand on the nape of her neck and their lips met softly, tenderly, but with meaning. Her lips were silky, soft and sweet, and tasted like strawberries from the lip-gloss she had worn. Love sparked in between them. Their eyes were shut, and it was only them together, kissing in the hallway before they had even taken their shoes off.

He put his hands on her hips and smiled at her. She smiled back, using her fingertips to swipe a stray hair from in front of his face. Their gaze was locked. They were stuck in the tunnel vision of love, and everything in their surroundings was simply a blur.

Meredith then grinned at him, and she wrapped her arms behind him before tugging his tucked in blue button down shirt out of his pants, letting it free. She reached under it and brought her hands up his back, tracing the warm outlines of his back muscles. She kissed him again, and he shimmied the coat away from her shoulders. "I love you," She whispered, her breath hot against the skin of his neck.

"I~" He began, but his pager beeped loudly from inside the pocket of his pants. He smiled apologetically. "Hang on," He said, and he pulled it out from his clothing, out from the thin fabric of the pocket. Meredith sighed with understanding, and he looked at the small screen. If he thought the night couldn't get better, it did.

His breath escaped him, and his pulse hammered as blood swarmed through his veins. He stared at the screen, as if the message couldn't be true. He forced himself to swallow the lump of bile that perched at the back of his throat. "Derek," Meredith urged nervously, gulping as she saw his expression. "What is it? Derek?" She prodded. His lips meshed as he spoke slowly, as if he was making the situation real for himself.

"I…" He began, but he looked at her, his eyes shimmering. His throat was dry. His voice dripped with a mixture of happiness and disbelief, and he forced out, "Michelle, she woke up. Meredith, she woke up!"

She gasped, and she choked on her own breath in surprise and shock. "Derek…" She trailed off, but she couldn't seem to form words, let alone a coherent sentence. Her lips squashed together messily. The shock was still flooding over her, and she stammered, "She… she…" She couldn't say anything, simply shook her head in sheer amazement. Miracles exist.

"She's going to be okay," He said, his words shaking in his throat. In fact, his whole body was trembling. "She's going to be okay," He reiterated. The sentence was smooth an happy, and he liked the way it felt in his chest. He had taken a risk, a huge risk, but it worked. It worked. He pulled Meredith in and nestled his face into his hair, holding her as tightly as he possibly could. They swayed together in the foyer.

"Derek," She said, her words muffled into his chest, and her voice broke. She didn't need to say anything more.

**X**

When Derek woke up later that night, the room was black, and it was well past midnight. The wind was howling outside, hitting against the window and causing the house to creak. He climbed out of the stupor of sleep and yawned, glancing at the piercing lights of the alarm clock that read 4:22 AM.

He scrabbled his hands across his face tiredly, stifling a yawn. He had no idea why he was up that late, or technically early. They had drifted off sometime around 2, and two hours later he was up again, woken up on his own. They were also supposed to go in to check on Michelle at 5:30, and that meant he could maybe pull off one more hour of sleep. He pulled the blankets up higher on his bare chest, the air outside their cocoon of blankets chilly and swirling. It took him a moment to realize that it was raining, and the raindrops fell softly on the roof, and trailed down the window, leaving streaks in their wake.

He turned on his side to face Meredith, who lay facing the ceiling, snoring softly next to him.

_You snore a little…_

_I do not!_

Her chest rose and fell with the steady breaths she took, and it looked as if her lips were curled up into the softest smile. Their red blankets covered her body and pooled softly in heaps around her, and her fists were tangled in the sheets. Her golden hair fanned out in every which way on the pillow, and her lips were parted ever so slightly. She was beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

This was his wife. This was the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with, breathing the same oxygen, riding in the same car, sleeping in the same bed, sharing the same jokes, eating the same dinner. They were going to be together forever, for the rest of their lives, through thick and thin, through rough and easy.

They had one through so much already. She stuck by him through it all, too: She took him back after Addison, she bounced back from drowning, she stayed with him when he was stupid and kissed Rose. She forgave him after he had yelled at her, she understood when he told her about his dad. And then there was Mr. Clark. She stayed by his side during his whole recovering: And they still **were **recovering. No matter how hard he pushed her away, she was always there, faithfully, by his side and getting him whatever he needed. No running.

He was so grateful. She was his breath of fresh air, and she was everything he needed.

He sucked in his breath and his eyes shone with the slight sign of tears, but not sad tears. Happy tears. Tears of gratitude, tears of amazement, tears of love and adoration for her and everything she was.

He hesitated for a moment, but he reached over and he poked her. "Mer?" He whispered, and she stirred, groaning in her sleep. "Mer?" He pushed his finger into her soft skin, and she rolled, shuffling under the covers. She didn't open her eyes, but she woke up and softly moaned.

"Mmm?" She asked, her words barely floating from her throat and raising into the air. Derek exhaled. He knew she wasn't fully conscious or aware, but he had to say what he wanted to say either way.

"I just wanted to say…" He trailed off. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." He leaned in as the words tumbled out of his mouth, and he kissed the smooth skin of her bare shoulder. "I will always love you. I promise." His eyes shone in the dark as he ran his finger down her hairline.

"Me too," She slurred, still not fully awake, but she had heard it.

"Thank you,"

"Mmmm?" Translation: For what?

He kissed her again, only this time leaning to kiss her cheek completely. "Everything, Meredith, everything."

_**A/N: Whew. What'd you think? I do love cute Meredith and Derek :) Let me know what you thought of this chapter. There's more to come! Thanks for reading and thanks for reviewing!**_


	10. Chapter 10

**_A/N: :) _**

"I can't believe you're actually going into the hospital," Meredith said, chuckling in sad disbelief as Derek threw up again. His body lunged forward as he emptied the contents of his breakfast into the porcelain bowl. He panted and managed to roll his eyes at her.

There was a stomach virus making its way through the hospital at the time, slowly taking doctors along into its grasp of sickness. Meredith had felt it's attack earlier, but was thankfully feeling better, although she couldn't say the same for Derek, who had awoken to an unwelcome churning stomach and a headache. He had then somehow insisted Meredith that he would go to the hospital and see if he could get any paperwork done, and Meredith had somehow listened to him. She couldn't figure out why, either.

"I'm going," He replied, short and simple and to the point. She reached her warm palm under the fabric of the back of his shirt and ran her hand up and down the soft skin of his back and rolled her eyes.

"You're sick."

"Everyone's sick," He moaned.

"You shouldn't go in," She said softly, peppering kisses to his temple and cheek. She ran her hand against the grain of his silky bed-head hair and shook her head. "You should rest, eat things like soup… You know. Not work."

He ignored her statement and looked up at her with his sparkling blue eyes, blinking. "How did you manage not to get sick? I'm never sick."

"I was sick," She retorted defensively, although she couldn't tell why she was being defensive. Why was she trying to prove she had been sick? To make him feel better. "But just not as sick as you, so you shouldn't go into the hospital."

"There's work that needs to be done," He sighed, and leaned back against the wall of the bathroom as he dragged his hands through his hair. He shut his eyes and pursed his lips, until she leaned forward and gently trailed the pads of her fingers along his hairline.

"You look miserable, Derek," She whispered, before leaning in to kiss his forehead.

His eyes fluttered open. "Do I have a fever?" He said, grinning challengingly at her. She sighed and shook her head. He had such a big ego sometimes.

"But you still shouldn't go to work," She countered.

"Well, I'm going," He said abruptly, trying to stand up as his hands scrabbled against the tile.

Meredith put one of hers gently on top of his and smiled at him, chuckling softly, "No, you're not. I'm putting my foot down."

"Meredith."

"No, I'm healthy, so technically I am the dominant partner in this relationship." She insisted, only have joking.

He laughed and rolled his eyes at her, muttering jokingly, "I hate you."

She shook her head, her smile crawling across her cheeks, and she said, "Post it."

"Excuse me?" A curious smile curled in the corners of his cheeks.

"You'll hate me, even when you love me," She teased, and he laughed dryly at her. "See?" She smirked, clearly amused with her clever comeback.

"Oh, mean," He snickered, but his sentence was cut off in the middle as he put his fingers to his lips that clamped shut, and he lunged towards the open toilet. Meredith, surprised, watched as his body clenched and lurched, the bile spilling from his throat and sloshing against the water of the toilet. Meredith rubbed his back softly, trailing her fingertips where the bumps of his vertebrae were visible from under his shirt and feeling the soft fabric of the tight shirt he wore that made her heart flutter. He coughed more bits of the burnt colored bile and sputtered from the wetness on his lips. She sighed and reached for the wet washcloth by her feet.

"Aw," She whispered to him, and she patted his forehead with the cool cloth. He shuddered and shut his eyes. "I'm sorry." She knew how much the exertion of throwing up probably felt on his chest. He reached up and weakly flushed the toilet, and the water sloshed against the rims as it fell away, opening a clean slate. She dabbed the corners of his pink lips and looked sadly into his eyes. "You must feel like crap."

"Thanks," He said, his words dripping with discomfort. He shifted on his knees until he fell back onto his butt against the cold tile of the floor. She fingered the hem of his flannel pajama pants, letting her fingers trail along the palpable seam.

"You're so staying home. Can I get you anything?" She said softly to him, running her hand up his leg and letting it rest on his muscular thigh.

"Um…" He hated making her do things for him. "Maybe some… water?" He said softly, blinking at her, a silent guilty plea. She smiled softly at him.

"Okay. I'll get you some Advil too, for your headache, okay?" She scrambled to her feet, looking down at his crumpled form as he nodded weakly. "Hey, how about I help move you back into the bedroom."

"Mer, I'm sick, there's no need to seduce me," He joked. Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Very funny, I'm being serious Derek. Come on," She leaned over, and her stomach sloshed. No, she told herself. You cannot be sick, you have to take care of Derek. She needed to help him feel better. It was the least she could do. She bent over, reaching for him, and he grasped her forearms. She wobbled on her feet at the sudden addition of his weight, but after teetering for a few seconds, she was able to help him on his shaky feet. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and leaned her, his body smelling sweet and sick and Derek-y. They walked cautiously back into the bedroom, Meredith letting Derek depend on her, let him need her. They walked, swaying uneasily all the way to the bed, and Meredith let him flop against the soft, worn out mattress.

"There," She said, content with her own work, and she leaned down to place a kiss against his warm forehead. "Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? I'll be right back; I'm going to get your stuff. Do you need anything else?"

He shook his head and looked at her, his eyes to the brim with gratitude, "No, thank you, Meredith." She nodded back, smiling gently.

He watched her walk out of their warm room, the morning light splaying out across the wall and casting shadows across their various lamps and random things that sat on the dresser next to him. It was golden, but from the looks of the sky outside, there was a storm coming. He nestled himself deeper under the sheets as a headache pounded his brain, his stomach thin and churning restlessly inside him. He tangled himself in the red blankets, sinking into their mattress, savoring the warmth that radiated from the blankets. He shut his eyes, and before he knew it, Meredith had crawled into bed next to him, a cup of cold, shimmering water, and two little red pills. He blinked his eyes back open and obliged to her obvious wishes, dropping the pill down his throat and taking grateful gulps of the icy water. He reveled in the cool taste, savoring it as he felt it trickle down his throat. "Mm, thanks, Meredith."

"Of course," She said, and she began to nestle herself under the covers next to him, getting herself comfortable. The bed squeaked underneath her weight until she settled in, sighing contently. She then shimmied over until she was next to him, her head laid above his armpit in the crook of his neck, and she was careful as she folded her arm over his chest. "Is this okay?" She whispered into his neck. She could feel him nod, and she spooned his body, fitting perfectly to his, just the way she was supposed to.

"What color do you think we should paint our room?" He blurted, his words mashed together as his sentence-which he clearly wasn't planning on saying- poured from his lips.

Her face contorted into confusion, "What? We're painting our room?"

"No, I mean, in our new house," He said into her soft hair. Her lips curled into the smallest of smiles and she exhaled when she realized what exactly he had been talking about.

"Oh," She said, "I don't know."

"Neither do I," He replied, not exactly sure why he had brought up the subject in the first place. He thought for a second, and then mused, "What about red?"

She considered this for a moment, but then shook her head into his chest. "No, not red. Because our favorite sheets are red, and if we keep them, then the room will be a big mess of red. Plus, I see enough blood at work, I needn't be reminded of it." She paused. "What about… brown?"

"Brown could work, does brown go with red?"

"How am I supposed to know?" She scoffed, laughing softly. "Out of all people, you ask me. Seriously, Derek?"

He chuckled, and his chest stung. "Well then, I guess it **could **go with brown, then. Maybe. I mean- it's not like I know this stuff either."

"What about…" She began, but she let the sentence die its own death. She let her fingers dance their way down his chest, the pads of her fingertips softly swiping against the fabric of his shirt. "What about the baby's room?"

"If it's a boy, we could make it blue-green," He hummed, his chest vibrating. "Like your eyes." She felt her heart flutter at his compliment.

"Well, if it's a girl, she certainly will not be having a pink room. That's too cliché," She said, a soft giggle burbling from her throat.

"Purple?"

She shrugged, "That seems like an okay one, I guess. Purple is a nice color." She tangled her hand in the fabric of his shirt and kissed his collarbone gently, sighing. "How are you feeling, by the way?"

"Better," He said. "Actually, I'm pretty sure I can go to the hospital," He admitted, and he meant it. Whatever bug he had wasn't lasting very long, and the medicine had reduced his headache to a simple thrum in his skull. His stomach wasn't churning either.

Although Meredith knew he was being truthful, she just smiled and shut her eyes, whining softly, "No, this is a sick day. Stay here. With me. Please?"

He ran his hand down her spine and rested it on her lower back, rubbing soft circles with his fingers as a smile played at his lips. "If you insist, Mer… I guess I can do that. You know, for you." His voice suddenly grew hinged with seriousness for a second, and his voice was soft and firm, "I'd do anything for you."

"Like get our marriage legalized?" She blurted. The words had raced from her lips faster than she could have contained them, and she wasn't even sure what had cause this sudden outburst. Did something stimulate the subject? Maybe it was the house talk? Maybe it was the way he was looking at her? She couldn't be sure, but the words had already been put out into the open, stark and clear and true, waiting for a response.

Derek couldn't hide his shock: Although it wasn't bad shock, it wasn't the kind of shock that would be expected. It was more of curious shock, simply wondering what had sparked the sudden outburst on her behalf. Meredith began to stutter, suddenly worried that she'd said too much, suddenly scared that she was driving him away. Her words meshed together in a messy effort for recovery, "Um… I was just… if we're going to have our own… house, and if we want a baby, I was thinking that we should… you know… I mean, I won't be changing my last name or anything, b-but, not that I don't adore your last name, I just thought that we… Not that the post it wasn't enough, but this would make it…official, and I…" She scrambled to find the right words, but they wouldn't arrange themselves into a sentence.

Derek's warm, rich laugh fell softly from his lips, and she stopped talking, and listened. Her muscles clenched in worry as she waited for his response. "Meredith…" He hummed softly, as he craned his neck to meet her gaze and used his thumb to trail along her hairline gently. "Breathe. I think that sounds great."

"Great?" Her words folded into a surprised question. Derek couldn't help but smile.

"Yes," He responded, and he leaned down to meet her soft lips in a gentle kiss. "Great."

She exhaled a huge sigh of relief, her muscles relaxing. She hadn't meant to blurt it out with such immense randomness, but a few days ago she was thinking about them…as parents, and the thought occurred to her that it may have been important for them to be married in order to do that, in order to make things easier for them and their child in the long run. Meredith had originally been scared to ask him, but after summoning up her courage, she was able to force herself to do it. And words couldn't express the relief that she held in her heart when he had responded happily, open to her suggestions. It meant the world to her.

"I love you, Derek," She said, a smiling stretching across her face widely. "I really do."

"Me too," Suddenly, a clap of thunder pounded through the sky, moments before a downpour of rain began to slap the top of the house. The light that had been golden and sunny earlier had turned gray and cold and foggy, and Meredith noticed that the room had become darker since they first woke up. Rain streamed down the window, fat drops rolling independently and leaving trails of shining liquid in their paths. There was another clap of thunder, and Meredith jumped slightly at the sudden noise. Derek held her tighter and smiled warmly. She tightened her grip across his chest and buried her head in the nape of her neck. "I got you," He whispered.

A grin perked on her face and she sighed into his chest, her warm breath sinking through his fabric. There was a streak of lighting across the gray morning sky, flashing against the dull background. Another burst of thunder rattled the house, and much to Meredith's surprise, the lights flickered. She gripped the fabric on Derek's chest. Thunder quaked moments later. "Wow, it's huge." Derek snickered, his eyes flashing mischievously. Meredith gaped and then laughed softly, hitting his arm. "Ew, not like that. You have a dirty mind, mister. I was talking about the lightning."

"Sure you were," He said, smiling.

Meredith rolled her eyes at him. "Whatever." She nestled closer into him, but before she could make any more sarcastic remarks, another lightning bolt raced across the sky and the lights flashed before shutting off, going out, leaving them in nothing but the blunt darkness, the only light being the occasional flashing from the lightning as it reflected against the raindrops. Meredith groaned, "Crap." She muttered, rubbing her temple with her fingertips. She sat up, escaping her abyss of warmth and love and adoration.

"I got it," Derek said, beginning to sit up, the bed squeaking under his weight. Meredith gently pressed a palm to his chest, stopping him from sitting up any farther, and kissed his forehead.

"No, you're sick. I'll go get the flashlight. It's under our bathroom sink, right?"

"I'm okay, really, Mer~"

She cut his sentence off, and shoved him gently back down so he was sinking into the soft mattress again. "Lay down," She laughed softly to herself. "And I thought they were lying when they said that doctors make the worst patients." She smiled at him and swung her legs around the bed, landing them on the cold floor. She exited her final grips of the sheets and entered into the cold, letting out a soft shiver and rubbing her bare arms. In the gray room, she pulled open a door and rummaged around blindly for a warmer shirt until her fingertips grazed the smooth gray fabric of her famous ratty Dartmouth T-shirt that she loved. She pulled it over the tank top she had been wearing and protected her skin from the chilly air that rattled the house as more raindrops slapped their roof and skittered down their windows.

She made her way into their bathroom, which was even darker than their room was, and flicked the light switch a few times, but to no avail. She sighed and ran her hand through her very wavy blonde locks, and crouched down to the sink, flinging the cabinet door open and shoving her hand in to blindly search for the plastic of the flashlight. It wasn't hard to find, as everything else in the cupboard was boxes and tubes and bottles. She gripped it in her fingers and rubbed her hand along it, searching for the smooth switch. She flicked it on, and suddenly, it shined on the object in the cabinet.

**X**

Derek sighed and dragged his palm through his hair, and then rubbed his tired eyes. Meredith had been in the bathroom searching for a flashlight in five minutes, and he couldn't help but to wonder if he had put it in the right place. He remembered the last time he used it, it was when he had gone camping… When he brought it back, did he put it in the correct spot? What if he hadn't, and Meredith was just searching blindly for an object that wasn't there in the first place? He frowned.

Just as he expected, he heard her small voice call from the bathroom, "Derek?"

"Coming," He slowly, taking his time, sat up, his back cracking as he changed his position. He slid off the side of the bed and stretched upwards, lifting his hands to ceiling and feeling a soft echo of pain throb in his chest. He dropped his arms and swung them around, letting his muscles flex. He shuffled slowly and carefully towards the bathroom, hoping not to bump into anything in the dim lighting. Just because it was morning, apparently that didn't mean it was bright. Gray streaks of light were the only things that illuminated their room in the least.

He wrapped his hand around the knob of the bathroom, and in the dark he squinted. There was Meredith, sitting on the floor, staring at something. At first, he figured it was just the cabinet, trying to find the flashlight: But the flashlight was already next to her. In her hand she held a small white pregnancy test.

She looked up at him, her eyes shining, "I had to take it. I had to see if… I don't know what the results are, but…" _I know they're negative, so I need you sit here with me and hold me and tell me that it's going to be alright. _"Can you sit with me?" Her voice was shaking, thin and worried and quaking with nerves.

Derek exhaled softly and fumbled to swiftly sit down next to her on the cold tile, and he wrapped his palm in hers. Their fingers tangled together, fitting into each other perfectly, just like they always did. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. What would he say to her when it said negative again? He didn't know, but he knew that she needed someone to be there with her. She squeezed his hand tighter, and the rain grew softer as it patted the window. Their fingers were intertwined tightly, the heat transferring through their palms. In the gray light, they could barely make out the little test, but they waited and waited and waited. Derek silently racked his brain with things he could say, when she saw disappointment again, and Meredith silently scolded herself for even allowing herself to be disappointed again. She leaned her head into the crook of his neck and kept her eyes on the small gray box on the white stick.

She wanted a baby so bad. There was a hole in her heart that was missing something, something that couldn't be filled in any other way besides having a tiny human being grow inside of her. Nothing was ever going to replace that, and the waiting and needing was eating her alive, slowly and dauntingly reminding her of all the hope that she didn't have.

It was in that moment when the gray screen of the pregnancy test suddenly grew fuzzy. Dull. Weird. Different. It wasn't blank anymore. They watched as the little gray box displayed a solid black plus sign.

Meredith couldn't breathe. Her breath, her oxygen, it all escaped her. Her heartbeats grew hard and heavy, thumping and echoing in her chest so loudly that it rattled her eardrums. Her body suddenly felt light, and the blood seemed to stop coursing through her veins momentarily as her heart climbed into the base of her throat. Her mouth was dry. She tried to form words but nothing came to her, nothing at all, and the gears in her brain didn't seem to want to function at all. She had to squint to see it clearly.

"Meredith," Derek breathed, in equal disbelief next to her. His thoughts were messy and scattered in every way, and he could barely even function. His nerves were frayed and rattled, his mouth dry. "Meredith." He repeated. It was the only word that he could seem to force out of his lips. Like a broken record, he repeated it again. There was a baby inside of her- their baby- which they had created, together.

Her pulse hammered in her veins as she slowly turned to him, swallowing thickly and trembling. Her stomach dropped in her abdomen like a rock, and she forced her lips and tongue to work. "Derek… I'm…" She looked back at the test, as if she had seen it wrong, and then looked back at him. "I'm pregnant. Derek. I'm pregnant." It was then where she burst into tears, and they fell from her lids, streaming and racing down her cheeks. Her whole body was shaking, and a hand flew to her stomach instinctively. "I'm pregnant."

Derek looked at her, their gaze locked, and the whole world didn't matter anymore. Gary Clark didn't matter. The hospital didn't matter. Their new house didn't matter. They couldn't hear the rain. He was stuck in a tunnel vision of just them. Of just Meredith and Derek. "We're having a baby," He whispered, and tears formed in his eyes. He exhaled shakily, still in disbelief, "Meredith, we're having a baby." He reached over and cupped her cheeks between his palms, leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers gently and meaningfully. She tasted sweet, like Meredith, and love, and like a mom.

She cried and cried, the sheer happiness overflowing in her eyes as she cradled her own stomach with her hand. Derek wrapped his arms around her and held her as tears of his own fell slowly down his cheeks. They were going to be parents. On this random day… they had received better news than they could have ever imagined. His heart was racing, beating full of love and adoration. "I love you," He whispered, his words trembling out of control, unable to keep himself steady. "I love you so much, Meredith."

"I love you too," She said to him, and she kissed him again and again and again.

He leaned over slowly, carefully, and bent down. He gently lifted the base of her usual Dartmouth shirt and raised it over her flat stomach and kissed it gently. She felt her stomach flutter and ran her hands through his hair gently, leaning back against the wall as he cradled her stomach in her hands, holding their child.

**_A/N: Well… there you have it. Meredith and Derek are finally having a baby. :) Were you surprised at all? Reviews make me happy!_**

**_Thank you to everyone who continues to read, and a special thanks to those who review. You all keep me motivated and you keep me going. I hope you're enjoying this story, and I can't wait to continue. Yay for McBaby! :) It's about time. _**


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N: Thank you all SO MUCH for the reviews. I can't even describe how much they mean to me. It keeps me going and motivated. Also, thank you to everyone for just ****reading. ****That alone means so much. Thank you all! (Sorry it's kind of short. Remember, it's just part 1.)  
**_

_**This is the beginning of kind of a two part chapter. If I could name it something, I'd name it The Beginning of Healing. Basically, it's angsty, and it shows a major flashback to when Derek was still trying to recover. And then it has the current time, which is… well, you'll see. :) Enjoy!**_

_PART ONE: FLASHBACK**  
**_

"_I'll be right back," Meredith said softly, pressing a kiss to Derek's temple. He stiffened in his position, sprawled across the couch. "I'm just going up to shower, and I'll make it fast, okay?" She assured him, a frown slicing across her cheeks. Derek swallowed and nodded, very unconvincingly. Meredith's frowned deepened. He wasn't good at being left alone. Loud noises scared him, and he was afraid. All the time, he was afraid, and being alone seemed to spring up memories from Mr. Clark. It would be the first time she left him by himself for a long period of time, even if she was just upstairs. _

"_I'm fine, you don't need to baby-sit me," Derek said, but the thing was… she did._

_She was quick with her unsteady response, hoping that she didn't upset him. She bit her lip, "I just, I mean, if you're not ready yet, it's okay. Derek, I know what it feels like to be scared, and don't force yourself to be okay if you're __**not." **_

_Derek didn't look at her as he snapped, "I'll be fine." His chest burned momentarily, but he ignored it sadly. _

_Meredith sighed largely and threw her hands up in the air with exhaustion, "Fine! If you insist. I'll be right upstairs, okay? Holler if you need anything." She threw him one last worried glance before she hurried up the stairs, determined to make this the fastest shower she'd ever taken in her life. She wished that everything didn't have to be so difficult…but it was. _

_Derek sat, sighing, humiliated and embarrassed and everything in between. Was he really so broken that Meredith couldn't even leave him alone for a few minutes while she was in the shower? Was he that bad? Was he that scared? Was he that hurt? The answer was yes._

_The wind whistled outside, and the leaves rustled with the gust. The afternoon light poured into the room, dipping under the shadows and creeping along the wall slowly. Derek's eyes drifted from the TV and his gaze ran along the wall, inspecting every crevice, and every square foot of empty wood flooring. He blinked and stared when his eyes landed on the closet. Someone could hide in there. A man could hide in there. A man named Mr. Clark._

_He shook the thought out of his brain. Mr. Clark was gone, but his mind was spinning with possibilities. He wished more than anything he could make all the fear stop, make his brain stop creating the hundreds of scenarios that weren't even possible. He didn't want to be tortured by his own imagination. His chest throbbed, humming in his chest nonstop. Mr. Clark was gone. Mr. Clark was gone. Mr. Clark was-_

_Just then, the silence ceased to remain. There was a knock as someone pounded their fist against the wood of the front door. The loud sound pounded through the house, rattling and slicing the silence in half. Derek's focus was broken abruptly, and the loud noise caused him to let out some sort of frightened, low pitched noise that boiled from his throat and exploded out of him loudly. His muscles jerked, fear blanketed him and blurred his vision. Someone called from the front door, but Derek couldn't hear it. All the noises were mashed together, and his ears rung with memories of the gunshot. That's all he could hear. The door opened with a creak, and he couldn't breathe. His throat constricted. He was alone. _

_He knew that it was physically impossible for it to be Mr. Clark, but his heart told him differently. There were footsteps as someone thumped into the house and kicked their feet in the foyer. Derek shut his eyes and his breaths grew quicker, so fast that he couldn't control them. They were shallow and stale and thin as his whole body shook so hard that he couldn't see straight. The fear was absolutely unbearable. _

"_What are you doing?" It was a voice he recognized, though, this time. He kept his eyes shut. Tears fell. _

"_I just came to visit," The low, raspy voice was dripping with unsure confidence. Mark. It was Mark. Although he knew it, his brain was still on red alert, and he was still raggedly hyperventilating, crushed by the fear and confusion. _

"_Are you insane?" Meredith yelled, presumably from the base of the stairs. "You just walked in!"_

"_I've done it before," He said, but Meredith wouldn't hear it. Instead, she noticed Derek, his body crumpled into fetal position on the couch, his eyes screwed shut. She ran over to him, her body only covered by the fluffy red bathrobe that smelled like lavender, and she bent down next to the couch, stroking his hair. "It's okay," She whispered to him, frowning. He was breathing so fast that she couldn't keep up with him. Tears were splattered on his cheeks. "Derek, open your eyes, you're okay. I promise." She begged him. When he ignored her, she looked back up, every single bit of her fury pinned on Mark. _

"_He is freaking traumatized, Mark! Every little thing scares him, and you assume you can just waltz in here loudly whenever you want? What is wrong with you?" She yelled, not able to contain her fury. Her heart pounded in her chest. Why did he have to have the worlds crappiest timing?_

_He swallowed, "S-Sorry, I didn't…" He couldn't find the right words, so he strolled backwards into their kitchen. Meredith glared at him until he was out of sight, and then she looked back at poor Derek. His body was visibly shaking, and he looked absolutely terrified. _

"_Derek," She said softly, putting both of her small hands to his damp cheeks. "Open your eyes, I'm right here. It's me, Meredith." She continued to plead him. His eyelids slowly fluttered open, and he blinked, eyes wide as he stared at her blankly, trying to make sense of the situation. He bit his lip and swallowed. "You're okay, Derek. Everything's okay: That was just Mark being an idiot. Breathe," And he did, slowly, but his breaths were hoarse and ridden with pain. She trailed her fingers softly across his cheeks, swiping the tears from his skin. Derek could barely look at her. His thumping heart calmed down slowly, and the world stopped spinning so fast, pausing to let him catch his breath. His hands, which he now figured out that were curled into fists, relaxed, and his felt his muscles gain a little feeling back to them. _

"_Crap," He moaned, forcing his vocal chords to function once again. "I thought…" He stuttered. "I… I was…" His voice shook and broke, and Meredith kissed his hairline gently. _

"_I know." She whispered to him, and she let her fingers dance in his hair. There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment, but she bit her lip before she broke it. "Derek?"_

_He looked up at her, blinking and curious, "Yeah?"_

"_I think…" She sucked in her breath. Derek had a heck of an ego, and suddenly she wasn't sure what words she was supposed to use in a situation like this. She bit her lip again and ran her hands through her hair. "I think we should look into therapy. For…" Us. I need it too. "…you." She paused and watched him, watched his expression, hoping she could pick out any little part that she could make sense of. She watched as he seemed to absorb the words with his eyes, which crinkled up into confusion and distaste. She gulped down the lump of unsure bile that was filling her throat. _

"_No." He said flatly. _

_She couldn't take it. She wasn't going to be a doormat. He wasn't going to tread all over her. "Listen, Derek. I am a doctor. I know people who need therapy when I see them- Heck, I'm Meredith Grey, pretty much the poster child for therapy. We're going to go in to see Dr. Wyatt. That's all. This discussion is over." Her tone was sharp, but not rude. Caring, but to the point. Derek swallowed, intimidation scrabbling across his cheeks slowly and dauntingly. She sighed and lowered her voice, "Derek, please," She said, and she couldn't stop her voice from quivering. "If you have too much pride to do it for yourself… do it for me."_

_The words stung him, and his heart fell like a rock in his chest. He was being mean, and he didn't mean it. He didn't want to be rude. He didn't want to hurt her. He had never meant it like that. He blinked, "Okay." And then he looked down, his ego crushed like an egg beneath an elephant. _

_Meredith sighed, relief washing over her and filling her from within. She leaned over, bending to kiss his forehead. "Thank you, Derek. I just want you to feel better. I really want you to feel better." She then stood up, brushed her palms against her furry bathrobe, and figured she should probably change into more appropriate clothes. At least she had someone in the house who could hang out with Derek. Right? "Mark?" She bellowed, but as soon as she did, panic swept across Derek's face. _

"_No!" He whispered. "He doesn't need to…" See me like this. Meredith finished his sentence for him, and she swept her hand through her wet, gnarly hair. _

"_Derek, I'm going up to change. Mark doesn't care. He saw you when you were at the hospital with a bullet wound." He winced, and she winced, and she continued to call. "Mark, come here! Can you sit with Derek for a few minutes?" _

_He took strides in, slowly, making an entrance like… Mark. Mark was still Mark. "Yeah…" He replied, surprise pinching his voice. He was sure she was going to kick him out of the house, or at least __**kick him. **__He entered the living room and sat on one of the chairs, his gaze landing on Derek… and not leaving. Derek stared upwards, his vision locked on the ceiling. _

"_Thanks," She said, briskly walking away, leaving the two almost-brothers in a very uncomfortable silence. The wind flew by outside, and leaves rustled once again. It was getting darker as the day progressed._

"_Listen man, I'm sorry about~"_

"_It's fine," Derek cut him off. He didn't need a pity party at all, and he didn't want one. He didn't want one at all._

"_Oh," Was all Mark could say. He continued looking at the Derek that didn't really look like Derek. _

**XXX**

"No way."

"Yes."

"Nope."

"Yes."

"Wow."

"I can't believe this," Meredith said into the phone that she clutched to her ear so tightly that her knuckles were turning a shade of white. "Cristina. Cristina." She repeated, her voice bubbling with excitement and eagerness, something she wasn't used to hearing in her own voice. Derek was beside her, sending a text to Mark.

"Wow," Cristina couldn't help but to reiterate across the line. Meredith nodded at no one in particular, and although Cristina couldn't see her, she had a feeling she knew that she did it. "It's just so…"

"…unreal?" Meredith finished, unable to force her grin from her face. It just stayed there, lingering, unfaltering and unwavering. She pinched a piece of their red sheets between her fingers. "I know. It really is," She mused, and her mind drifted. Her voice was dreamy and out there and dripping with imagination. Derek looked at her and smiled, and she smiled back.

"Well, it's about time McDreamy knocked you up."

Meredith snorted against the receiver, "Yeah, I agree."

"But I'm serious," Cristina reasoned. Meredith sighed and melted into her bed, tiredness blanketing her. "You guys have been trying for a long time, since…"

Meredith cut her off, "I know. I know we have. Which is why this is so unexpected." She breathed into the receiver.

"Well…" Cristina trailed off, her voice growing slowly a bit serious. "Congratulations, Mer. You deserve this." Meredith's smile slowly crept farther across her face. "You really do."

"Aw, look at you all sentimental, godmother," Meredith teased.

"Oh please," Cristina argued.

"I can totally sense the compassion in your voice," Meredith snickered. "It's heartwarming, really."

"Yeah okay, Meredith. Whatever you say. Look at you, you're already talking like a mommy. How am I supposed to talk to you for the next nine months?" Her voice was suddenly quick, "I have to go, Bailey's on the warpath. I'll talk to you at work?"

Meredith sighed but nodded at no one, once again. "Okay. Thanks, Cristina."

The receiver clicked off, leaving a dial tone bleeping in her ear. She hung up and dropped her cell phone to the bedside table, where it smacked the wood and rattled around until it stopped. She ran her hands through her hair and turned to face Derek, who was glowing with happiness as well. She smiled. He smiled. And it was just them. And their child. That made her the happiest woman in the world. For the first time, she felt whole, and she felt complete. No one was going to take that away from them, no matter what. Just because Gary Clark had ripped through their lives once, didn't mean they couldn't mend it now.

Though there was one piece of Meredith that she knew she would never get back. The baby she had once held. She sighed out loud, accidentally.

Derek reached over and placed a hand on her stomach, and she felt the butterflies flutter restlessly. She placed a hand over his, their palms covering her stomach, the safe haven of their child. Meredith giggled, unable to contain the happiness that seemed to be overflowing inside of her, for the first time in a long time. "They're in there," She whispered to Derek. "Our little baby is in there."

Derek nodded, his grin absolutely infectious. "Yeah. It's just… Wow." He leaned over and kissed her softly, his gentle lips caressing her cheek, and then her jawline. She smiled at him, even wider. "I made an appointment for next week, with the OB/GYN," He said softly. Meredith nodded and nestled deeper under the covers of their bed, letting herself become enveloped from

"You did? Thanks." She paused for a second and then leaned in to kiss him, her breath soft as it curled up against the nape of his neck. "You're such a good man, Derek."

_I can see that in your eyes._

His happy moment was crushed under the unmistakable foot of flashbacks. They attacked him from every angle. His brain was flooded with memories that he had worked so hard to forget. And that's when he froze.

**A/N: So, what do you think? Part 2 will be coming very soon. From where we leave off, this is basically the starting point of the next chapter, where Meredith and Derek are going to majorly discuss their feelings about everything that have happened. And then the chapter after that will be their first visit to the OB/GYN :) I am ecstatic to be writing Meredith's pregnancy.**

**Reviews make me happy! Either way, thank you all for reading!**


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N: Wow, wow, and wow. Thank you all so much for the reviews. They keep me motivated. Here is part two of the recovery chapters, I hope you enjoy! Sorry for the long wait.**_

_Flashback: Part 2_

_Derek was not a fan of the fish that swarmed the fish tank in Dr. Wyatt's office. They swam back and forth, their happy little tails glittering as they reflected the light of the desk lamp. They'd swish through the water without a care in the world, and when they'd get to the end, they'd simply turn around and start all over again. They were content with it, too. Back and forth, back and forth, as if they were holding onto the only routine they knew: Which was a major contrast to his mood, where he had every care in the word, where every little thing bothered him, where fear was eating away at him internally, in a place he could not escape. _

_It had taken them nearly twenty minutes to get from the parking lot to the office. He, with much embarrassment, had refused to go into the hospital any place where the catwalk was even visible, and he shook the whole time Meredith guided him through the back entrance. Their steps had been slow and careful, Meredith shielding him from any employee that dared to try and say hello. She was like his shield, and he wanted anything to be hers. _

_But when they had arrived back at Dr. Wyatt's room, she had offered to stay with him. He obliged, knowing only that she wanted to help him. And if sitting with him while he tried to grab a hold of his deepest, darkest corners of his being was what she thought would help him, so be it. Although it was hard to keep his ego and embarrassment level down, he forced himself to for Meredith's sake. And now they had passed the stage of introductions, and Derek could feel the tension in the air beginning to rise as Dr. Wyatt began to shift onto more touchy subjects. "So…" She mused. Meredith tangled her fingers within Derek's. "What brings you here today? Anything… specific?" Derek sucked in his breath and continued to stare at the mesmerizing flow of the fish as they flew through the water. Dr. Wyatt tried a different approach, "Dr. Shepherd… Well, Derek, can you explain to me how you have been feeling since everything that happened about a while back?" There was no need for specifics. _

"_Derek…" Meredith whispered softly, squeezing his hand supportively, urging him to respond. _

_He forced his mouth to move and his vocal chords to actually make noise. "Ah…" He swallowed the lump of bile in his tightly knotted throat. "I've been feeling… scared." _

_Dr. Wyatt scribbled something on the clipboard in front of her, and the sounds of the scribbles pierced the air, immediately making Derek feel self-conscious. She looked back up and met his nervous gaze. "Scared. That's not a surprise, from what I know, you went through a lot." Her eyes flickered and her voice softened. "Would you like to tell me about anything that happened to you during that event?" Derek froze and swallowed again, and his throat felt as if it was locked. "Now, if you're not ready yet, that's fine. When Meredith called, she made it sound like your fear was getting in the way of everyday activities, and I just want to try and get to the root of that fear and hopefully begin to get you stable again. Do you understand what I'm saying?"_

_Derek nodded slowly, and he felt Meredith's palm tighten against his. "Yeah. I understand." _

"_It's up to you on how much you're feeling ready to tell me," Dr. Wyatt carefully said. She continued to look at him- Meredith used to joke that when she looked at her, she felt as if she was looking straight into her brain. Derek twitched. "We can take our time on this, and I know we will as it is a very raw subject, but the sooner you can start slowly opening up about it the better."_

"_I can also leave, if you want privacy," Meredith offered quietly, her voice strong and unwavering. She would do anything he wanted to help him talk about it. _

_He shook his head and sucked in his breath about as deeply as he could possibly fill his lungs, and his chest seared with pain from the exertion as he forced his mind to prod a subject he was so deeply trying to forget. He picked around in the depths of his mind until he hit his sore spot, the root of all his fear. "It was Mr. Clark," His throat was thick, but he sucked it down. Dr. Wyatt's eyes, although prodding, were gentle now, and she watched him with kindness flickering in them. "He came into… here. He came here, to the hospital, I mean."_

"_Why did he come into the hospital?" Dr. Wyatt asked without force, even though she already knew. _

_His face contorted into something between a frown and a twisted wince of sadness. "He came in here, uh, looking for… Uh…" He cleared his shaking voice and looked down at his hands. "He came here looking for me." Meredith visibly winced, but forced her emotions down. This was about Derek, she told herself. _

"_Yes. He did." Dr. Wyatt responded softly, waiting for him to say something else. She leaned forward a little bit and sighed quietly. _

"_He came looking for me…" He repeated quietly, unable to look anywhere beside his hands. He shook his head, a subtle, shameful motion. Meredith ran her palm up his back slowly, and then down again, and then up again, a repetitive motion to remind him to breathe. _

"_And he found you, didn't he, Derek?" Once again, the question was gentle, even though she knew the answer, clearly. _

_He swallowed. Flashbacks pounded him furiously. His brain was overwhelmed, flooded with nightmares of memories, and his heart was speeding at an impossible pace in his chest, which burned and ached with pain. It flared, seared, traveled from the bottom of his ribcage and then up to his sternum, and then back down again. He swallowed again. "Yes," His voice broke. "He found me. And I…" His words tangled together in his throat. "I begged, I… but he…" He buried his face in his hands furiously, his mouth clamped together tightly. _

_Beside him, Meredith's own heart throbbed with sadness. Her breath had caught in her throat when she heard him admit that he had begged. She had been barely able to hear him across the space between them on the catwalks, but she knew he was saying something. Oh, the fear, it draped and dripped and ran like a stream from his words. She wrapped both of her hands around his back and tried to hold him, but he was so big… And she was so small. _

"_I just want the fear to stop. I just want to stop being scared of him." He moaned into his hands, continuing on. It shook and warbled beneath him. "I don't want to think about this anymore," He whispered. Meredith ran her hands up and down his back. _

"_Okay, we don't have to." Dr. Wyatt replied simply, looking not shocked at all at his outburst. She leaned back as he sat up, furiously wiping his eyes with his fingers. _

"_S-Sorry…" He mumbled thickly, tears welled in his voice. He was crying. _

"_Don't apologize," Meredith whispered into his ear, her words sweet as they curled and found their way to his brain._

_Dr. Wyatt hadn't heard her. She simply nodded at Derek, "Don't be sorry. I am very proud of how much you were able to tell me in just one session. I didn't think we would get this far." She wrote something into her clipboard, letting the couple in front of her have a little moment together._

"_Are you okay?" Meredith said softly. She traced her fingers softly down his hairline. "You're being so strong, I really am impressed." She kissed one of the damp spots on his cheek._

_He wiped his eyes again and sucked in a deep, shuddery breath. "No," He whispered, and he looked at up her, his eyes shining in a miniscule smile. "It's you. You're so strong, Meredith, so strong for me. And I can never thank you enough." He leaned over and his cold lips kissed her cheek, his chest howling with pain as he stretched. He stifled a wince. _

_Dr. Wyatt looked up, pausing from her scribbles. "Derek, do you remember what was running through your head the most that day?" She tried, carefully choosing her words. _

_He swallowed and forced himself to remember painfully. The words fell from his lip so quietly that it was a whisper, as they were thin and swirled in the air, lingering in the conversation. "Meredith," He couldn't look at her. "I had to protect Meredith." And if she wasn't crying before, she was now. _

"Derek?" Meredith said gently, immediately noticing the change in his expression as she said the words. He winced and looked down. She had seen the change in his eyes. She had clearly seen it, and he didn't know how he was going to hide it now. "Derek, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," He tried, but his voice was shaking, and she could clearly tell that he was lying. Lying to her face, which made it even worse than just… lying. Flashbacks were hounding him from every which way, coming at him from every angle, and he didn't know what to do. He wanted more than anything not to ruin that moment.

She sighed. They had been avoiding the subject long enough, and she couldn't just push it away like it was nothing at all in the first place. "Derek," She said, and she pushed herself up so she sat up more, the bed squeaking beneath her weight. "Derek, we're going to talk about this, we're going to talk about this now. Come on." He scrabbled his hands across his face tiredly and lifted his gaze towards her as he sighed, but reluctantly sat up to her level. She met his eyes.

"Meredith, I don't want to ruin this moment," He protested quietly.

"Derek, you're not ruining anything," She insisted firmly, and they looked at each other. Derek swallowed thickly, pinned underneath her gaze. "We can't keep putting off this talk. I'm serious. The more we do…" She flickered her eyes to him. "…the deeper the scars will get." She placed her hand on his chest and leaned in to kiss him gently, lingering on his lips for a moment before she backed away a bit and blinked at him. Her voice dripped with sympathy, "Now, would you like to tell me what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" He mumbled.

"Oh, don't play dumb, Derek Shepherd. You know exactly what I mean. Why do you keep freezing up?" She backed a little away from him. "Remember, the restaurant?" His jaw locked and he sighed, looking down. Meredith pressed forward. "Derek, talk to me."

His voice was low and shaking as he swallowed again. "Flashbacks." He stopped there and avoided her eyes. It had been months- months, and he hadn't told her. He wanted to make her think he was strong, he wanted to be there for her: not for her to be worrying about him. He hadn't told Dr. Wyatt. He hadn't told Dr. Perkins. And he hadn't told her, which was the scariest thing.

Meredith swallowed his words. Flashbacks- he had been having flashbacks since the shooting, which was months ago, and he hadn't told her. She shut her eyes and pursed her lips, letting the information sink in. "Derek…" Her light words curled up and were lost into the air, dying their own deaths.

He couldn't look at her. Guilt swamped him. "I should have told you."

Meredith nodded barely, the movement rigid and worried and angry wrapped up into one. She sighed. She had to push that fact out of her mind. She couldn't be mad at Derek, not while he was still hurting. And there was the fact that she was still having nightmares, too… She put her palm up to silence him and opened her eyes. "It's okay. It's just…" She dragged her hand through her hair and bit her lip. "You've really been having flashbacks since…" She swallowed and looked at him. He nodded, ducking his head, suddenly feeling more guilt. He should have told her. He should have told her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," He said, and his voice was thick and trembling as he pleaded over and over again.

"It's okay. I'm just… I can't believe you've been struggling for that long. I wish you would have told me so I could… help you, or something," She admitted, and she looked up at him, her eyes shining. "You shouldn't had to have gone through that alone." She silently scolded herself.

"I didn't go through that alone. I had you." The words were so simple and stark and true, that at first she didn't process them. But, when she actually did, her breath caught in her throat. He really meant it. She leaned into him and they hugged, him wrapping his large arms around her, enveloping her in his love, and her hooking her arms up beneath him and gripping his back tightly.

"So you really were scared," She said, her voice muffled into his neck. "This whole time…"

"Yeah," He whispered, and he clutched her tighter. "It was just… I…"

"I know. I know." Meredith said as she pulled back slightly, her eyes damp as she dragged her thumb across his cheek and sighed. "What are we going to do?" Meredith blurted, blinking at him.

"What?"

"About your flashbacks?" Derek sucked in his breath and shrugged.

"I don't know." His eyes darted back up, "I am _not _going back to therapy."

There was no use fighting him on this. Meredith ran her hand down her face. "Fine. Then… Maybe I can help you. Or, I can try." Meredith offered. "But you have to let me know when you're having one. So I can try. Or whatever."

He looked at her, "Yeah. Yeah, I can do that."

"No more letting your ego get in the way of your health," She warned.

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

She smiled at him, and he smiled back. "Derek, you're getting through this. We're getting through this. I'm just happy that you're being honest with me. Really. It's months later, and we're almost all the way healed- not completely, because I don't think we'll ever forget about it- but we're so close. And I'm proud of you. And we're having a baby."

Derek smiled for a second, but then added something, his voice dipping lower. "Well, I'll always carry this scar, that's for sure," He mumbled in frustration. "That's never going to change, no matter how much I try to forget everything else…" His frown was deeply set, and he sighed.

She leaned over towards him and inched her way in his direction until she straddled him, her legs folded against the sheets. She giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck, while they leaned so close together that their foreheads touched lightly, their gazes locked. She snaked a hand from the back of his neck to the bottom of his shirt, where she sneaked it under the fabric and let it travel up his chest. She could feel the grainy remains of the scar against his smooth flesh, and she traced it lightly, gently, with her fingertips. They took a journey up, and then down again, running through the whole length of the scratchy line. He sucked in his breath. "Derek," She whispered, and she placed her palm flat against his skin and felt the rhythmic pulse of his heart race beneath her fingertips. "Our scars don't define who we are, they just remind us where we've been, and they remind us what we've done to grow. They point out how strong we are, and how strong we've become. They remind us that we're survivors. Derek, we are survivors, and we can be grateful for that every day that we're alive."

_**A/N: So, what did you think? I know some of you are sick of the angst, so thank you for sticking through it. I think that Meredith and Derek need to have more conversations about what happened- as they were lacking that on the show. Anyways, the next chapter? FLUFF :) Baby fluff! Happy cute Meredith and Derek fun! **_

_**Thank you all for reading!**_

_**Reviews are amazing.**_


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N: Meredith and Derek's first visit with the doctor… enjoy! **_

"I must say: I've never been particularly fond of this cafeteria food." Meredith observed, clearly unimpressed. She scrunched her nose up at the less-than-fresh tasting salad that sat in front of her. "It kind of resembles…"

"…crap?" Cristina observed from across from her as she stuck a strawberry into her mouth and swallowed thickly. She wrapped her lips around the straw of her coke, gulping down the sugary cola. She exhaled, satisfied, and leaned back. The chair squeaked behind her as she leaned, and she flicked her eyes at her watch.

"Well, that wasn't exactly what I was going for, but to each her own. Or whatever." She stabbed a piece of the limp, dark green lettuce, and shoved it into her mouth, chewing the bland leaf with a sigh. She reached for her water bottle and took a hearty swig, savoring the feeling of the cool liquid washing away the taste of the dry lettuce.

"What time's your appointment?" Cristina asked, picking up another strawberry and sticking it between her lips, biting and swallowing as the juice formed like a puddle on her bottom lip. She was referring to Meredith's first appointment at the OB/GYN at SGH, and her nervousness made her legs quake.

"What appointment?" Suddenly Alex had plopped down beside her, skidding into the chair with a bottle of Mountain Dew and a bag of greasy chips. He looked at Meredith and grinned cockily, just like the Alex she had come to know so well. She hadn't seen him since before she took the day off to tend to Derek's 'illness,' and now realized that she hadn't told him yet.

"It's in fifteen minutes, at the OB," Meredith said nonchalantly, and she reached into his bag and plucked out a yellow chip, before popping it into her mouth and crunching it loudly between her teeth. "It was supposed to be last week, but we figured it'd be better to wait a week, because we could probably see a little something on the ultrasound." She took another slurp of her water and watched his reaction. He smiled at her and somehow, she didn't need to say anything more.

"Congrats, Mer," He said, nodding his approval. "It's about time." Meredith smiled back, her grin widening largely.

"That's what I said!" Cristina blurted, red strawberry juice seeping from the corners of her lips. Meredith chuckled and sighed happily, putting her fork down and looking at her friends. "It is _so_ about time," She added. "I mean seriously, with the amount of sex you two have been having, it's about time."

"What else is new?" Alex muttered.

Meredith glared at both of them, "I have a hostile uterus, Cristina. It's not my fault."

"Or maybe it was strained from being overworked…" Cristina shrugged.

"Cristina!" Meredith snapped, but couldn't help but to smile. Alex rolled his eyes and continued to dig through his chip bag eagerly. "Mind your own business."

"You know me too well to say that," Cristina stated. "We all know that's not going to happen."

"Yeah…that's true. But still. If you're going to be my baby's godmother, you're going to have to clean that dirty mind of yours," She scolded, stabbing a cucumber with her fork and popping it into her mouth.

"Hold up. If Cristina's godmother, than what do I get to be?" Alex asked abruptly as he swallowed the wad of chips in his throat. Meredith rapped her fingernails along the lunch table as her brain worked in thought.

"Hmm… Uncle. Uncle Alex," She stated, and she grinned contently at him as she forked another cucumber into her mouth and swallowed it. "Yeah, I like the sound of that." She leaned back and smiled as she watched their reactions.

Cristina scowled, "That's not even realistic, Alex is not related to you." Of course she had to get technical with it. Meredith rolled her eyes, and then looked over at Alex.

"He might as well be," She said. "You guys are all my family. I didn't have one of those in the first place, so you guys are the best thing. Next to Derek, of course." She winked and smiled softly and genuinely at both of them. Cristina, clearly uncomfortable with all the sincerity and love, snorted.

"Okay, this is lunch, not Dr. Phil." She grumbled through a mouth full of food. Meredith rolled her eyes and was about to shoot back a retort, but instead, she felt two hands on her shoulders, the warmth of the long palms soaking through her scrubs. She could recognize those hands anywhere. She craned her neck up to see Derek standing over her, his smile so large that she could bask in it.

"Ready?" He offered, his smooth voice drifting from above her.

She nodded, "Yeah. Hang on." She gathered her trash onto her tray and smiled at both of her friends. "I've gotta go. Talk to you after?" Cristina and Alex nodded and murmured renditions of 'good luck' and 'see you later.' She scooted her chair back, patted the thighs of her scrubs, and picked up her tray to walk towards the trash with Derek. When she got to the dark waste filled box, she dumped everything into the hole, and let the tray glide into the designated area above the trashcan. They left the cafeteria, drifting from the smells of food and coffee to the chilled hallways of the world of medicine.

They walked in sync as Derek took a swig of the coffee he was holding in his hand. "How has your day been?"

"I didn't get any good cases, if that's what you mean- but it was fine." She shrugged.

"I've been excited," He admitted.

She smiled up at him. "Me too." They swung into the OB wing, where they were going to meet their new doctor. Her name was Lucy, as far as Meredith knew- and she knew that Alex thought she was hot. He certainly lit up when he talked about her, and it had been refreshing to see him so happy about someone. She was only on her third day at SGH, but Meredith had heard great things about her: Dr. Johnson had given them a referral as well.

They fell into cushions in the waiting room, but as soon as they had sat down, a mousy looking intern called their names, and they were back up once again, following some small new doctor into an exam room. "You can wait here, the doctor should be in here s-soon. Just change into that gown on the table there and sit down…" She stuttered, blinking rapidly and muttering, "Congrats, Dr. Shepherd and uh, Dr. Grey-y!" And the door shut behind her, frazzled.

Meredith laughed, amused, and Derek smiled at her while shaking his head. "She scrubbed into a surgery with me, and I think she was a little~"

"~lovestruck?" Meredith teased, and she swayed over to the exam table to finger the papery hospital gown. She crinkled her nose up and recoiled, "I can't believe we actually make people wear these things. They're so uncomfortable. What are they even made of?" Derek shrugged while leaning back against the pastel wall. There was a blank, black monitor on the other side, between the table and the drawers.

Meredith faced the wall and tugged at the lower seams of her shirt, but stopped abruptly and flickered her gaze at Derek, her blue eyes narrowing. "Um, may I help you?" His eyes were completely and utterly locked on her chest.

He looked up and grinned at her, "I've seen it all before."

Meredith rolled her eyes and felt a laugh bubble up from her throat before she peeled her shirt over her head and untied her scrub pants, kicking them to the floor and yanking the unflattering gown over her head. She faced him and pouted. "This is not at all flattering."

"You're beautiful," He mused, putting his hand up to her forehead and moving her bangs out of her face before leaning in to press a kiss to her temple. She smiled, her eyes glittering with happiness as she leaned into him, before slipping out of his embrace and plopping onto the exam table. She scooted to the center and looked in distaste at the stirrups, and then at the monitor, and then at her stomach. She swallowed thickly. Derek sat in the chair next to her and noticed her gaze. "You okay?"

Her voice was small, and she put a tiny hand onto her stomach. "What if something's wrong, Derek?" She stared at her stomach, as if looking to it for some sort of confirmation that everything was alright. He leaned over and put a palm over hers on her stomach, and she sniffed.

"Hey, look at me." He said softly, and she did, her eyes shining. "Everything will be fine."

"You don't know that," Her voice shook with the truth.

"Well, I feel it," He offered gently.

There was a knock on the door, and Derek responded with a confirmation that she could enter. Lucy opened the door and slipped inside before shutting it again, and she smiled brightly at both of them. She was pretty, and something about her glowed- her blonde, curly hair spiraled out from her head, and her eyes were bright. "I'm Dr. Lucy Fields," She said, smiling. "Oh, and, congratulations on your pregnancy… Meredith, and Derek?" She moved towards the swivel chair at the end of the table and sat down, Meredith's chart in her hand. "Oh, you two are doctors here too, that's great."

"Thanks," Derek said, grinning, and he tangled his hand in Meredith's, their fingers intertwined over her stomach. "Congrats on your new position." Meredith just nodded along with what Derek was saying- her throat was too thick to actually form any words.

"Thanks, it seems like a great hospital." She nodded, looking back down on the chart and leaning back in her chair, relaxing. "Alright, guys- This is your first visit? We can start by a few standard physical things before we get to the baby stuff. You know, heart, lungs, blood pressure…" She stood up and walked to where the monitor was, and pulled out a blood pressure cuff before wrapping it around Meredith's arm. She pumped the air into it, and Meredith could feel it tightening. She fidgeted, all while Derek's grip was tight on her other hand. Lucy looked up when it was over and smiled widely, "Well, that looks normal." She pulled a stethoscope that hung from her neck and pressed it to Meredith's chest. "Deep breaths, please…" She said quietly, and Meredith did so. She inhaled, filling her lungs with enriching oxygen, and then exhaled, the breath whooshing out of the space between her lips. Lucy switched to her back, and Meredith redid the process, all while thinking that her blood pressure was going through the roof with nerves. "Good," Lucy chided, turning back to her chart and scribbling something down again. "You look pretty healthy, from what I can tell. And the last time you were weighed, you clearly maintain a healthy weight as well, so that area looks good as well." She smiled and Meredith exhaled. Her heart was racing. "Your blood tests from earlier looked normal as well."

"Now what?" Meredith said, forcing herself to talk for the first time since Lucy had been there. She surprised herself by the shakiness of her voice. Reminders of the crappy DNA she had echoed in the back of her brain, and it was hard to tame her rattled nerves.

"Now, we move onto the pregnancy part of the whole thing. I like to call it the awkward part." Lucy laughed. Meredith forced a small smile. "Can you tell me when your last period was?" Meredith quickly blurted the answer, ready and anxious, and Lucy nodded as she calculated the due date. She told them, and Derek's grip tightened on Meredith's tiny hand with excitement. "You're a doctor, so I assume that you know that the general pregnancy is supposed to be 40 weeks, but barely any babies are born on their due date, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. It looks like you're about five weeks pregnant." She scribbled something down and looked back up. "I'm going to go ahead and perform a pelvic exam now, and a pap smear to check for any cervical cancer or diseases, and to check any abnormalities of the uterus," She said gently. Meredith groaned and nodded dryly. She wasn't looking forward to it. Lucy lifted her gaze to Derek expectantly.

He realized what she was trying to motion to him, and he stuttered as he stood up. Awkwardness floated freely in the room. "Oh! Oh! I'll just… go outside, so you can, you know." Meredith couldn't help but to chuckle at Derek's awkwardness. She reached over and wrapped her fingers around his palm, stopping him from fleeing.

"Will you stay?" Meredith asked softly. "Please?" She blinked at him expectantly, and he sat back down with an unsteady exhale.

"Yeah. I mean, if you want me to. Of course." He said, and he smiled back at her, leaning over to kiss her forehead. He then leaned as possibly far back in his chair and tangled his fingers in hers again, watching only her and her face.

"Okay then. Meredith, can you put your feet up in the stirrups for me please?" She asked, and she swerved her chair over to the counter to grab a speculum out of one of the drawers. Meredith did as she was told, and she sucked in her breath, leaning back and shutting her eyes. "You're going to feel a little pressure…" Lucy said gently, and Meredith winced, and her eyes squeezed shut harder as she felt the pressure fill her lower abdomen. "Hang on, just relax."

Derek watched her face and held her hand, trailing his fingers along hers as she squeezed her fingers shut. "Good job," He said softly, and he smiled supportively at her. "You're doing great." Meredith winced again and forced a sentence through her teeth.

"Great. Awesome." She clearly was not amused in the least.

Derek leaned in and kissed the top of her hand gently, and he trailed his fingers up and down her arm. "Almost done," He soothed. And sure enough, she was, and she exhaled as Lucy finished her work. She opened her eyes and narrowed them at Derek.

"You're so lucky you're not a woman right now." She grumbled. Lucy chuckled as she recorded the results and put the culture aside.

"Everything looks like it's in check, Meredith, besides that fact that you have a hostile uterus, but you already know that- and it hasn't stopped you, clearly," She said, smiling. Meredith exhaled largely. She had been afraid that she'd bring up the- "But, it looks like you still have evidence of that D&C last May…" Meredith winced and looked upwards, refusing to meet Derek's eyes at all. She looked at the ceiling, begging for something to focus on. Lucy looked at the chart again in more depth, and her face fell as she read the fine print. "…for the miscarriage you had. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I really am." She looked back up the couple, but neither of them would look back at them. Lucy felt the uncomfortable silence in the air and swallowed thickly, continuing onward. Her voice was quiet, "Have you had any…trouble, since then?" She knew she had entered a very touchy subject for the couple, so she carefully chose her words.

"No," Meredith whispered. Besides the fact that she still had nightmares about it.

"Okay," Lucy nodded and filled in her clipboard. The room was now silent. "Because of your history and your uterus, I'd like to do an ultrasound. We probably won't be able to see much besides the gestational sac, but I'd still like to see that everything's in check. Is that okay?"

"So… you mean, you'll be able to see if our baby's okay?" Derek said, his voice sparkling with hope.

"Well, kind of. I won't be able to hear the heartbeat yet, let alone see the fetus. But I can see if Meredith has to proper conditions to house the baby, and make sure everything's okay on her end. Understand?" Derek nodded, and Meredith looked back down at Lucy, her eyes shining.

"What if there's something wrong with me, so I can't carry the baby?" Meredith asked, her voice dipping low. Derek looked at her with a frown and swallowed, while Lucy took a large inhale and carefully chose her wording.

"Your pelvic exam looked fine, but we'll just have to wait and see, okay?" Lucy leaned down and picked up Meredith's scrub pants and panties and held them out to her. "You may want to but these on, I have to lift up the gown." She said, smiling. Meredith gathered them in her hand and sat up, struggling to pull them up.

"Or, you can leave them off," Derek laughed, and Meredith widened her eyes and leaned over to slap him.

"Derek!" She screeched, and then she looked over at Lucy apologetically. "Sorry, my husband is inappropriate." She glared at Derek and made a big, exaggerated motion of yanking her pants up. She snickered as he frowned.

"Well, the truth is the truth~"

"You, stop talking." Meredith glared at him, but he couldn't help but to laugh. Lucy was smiling at the end of the bed, amused as she reached into one of the drawers to pull out the ultrasound jelly substance. She rolled over to Meredith's other side and switched on the monitor, before carefully lifting up the bottom of the gown to reveal her flat, toned stomach.

"This will be a little cold," Lucy warned, and she squirted some onto her stomach, and Meredith shivered and gasped a little at the coolness. She felt a giggle bubble in her throat, and Derek was back to holding her hand, his eyes glued to the monitor. Lucy began dragging the transducer across her stomach, swiping it back and forth as a gray sketch appeared on the monitor. Meredith watched it with Derek next to her, both of their eyes wide as her uterus was on display. Meredith sucked in her breath and scanned it, not surprised but a bit disappointed as she realized Lucy was right: There wasn't much to see.

"I mean, I have really crappy DNA? Does that contribute to anything? Also, I had a really big lunch, but it was healthy, so I don't know if that changes anything…" Meredith babbled nervously.

But, Lucy watched it intently, and then she pointed to something small that Meredith hadn't noticed before. "This is your gestational sac, right here. And inside of it, if you can make it out- that's the yolk sac. It will be your main source of nutrients for you baby…" She said, and then she looked at both of them with a smile. "Which is exactly what I wanted to see." Meredith felt a wave of relief wash over her. She choked on her breath. She knew it wasn't some huge milestone, but it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. "Things are developing normally, crappy DNA or not."

Meredith looked over at Derek, her smile so wide that it was breaking fully across her cheeks, and Derek shared it. He smiled back, and they just sat there, smiling, oblivious to anything else going on. He leaned over and pressed his lips low onto her stomach, avoiding the cold gel, and she leaned back and ran her fingers through his hair with a sigh. Her grin couldn't have gotten any wider.

"I'm going to have you guys come back in a week and a half so we can see your baby's heartbeat," Lucy said, and she switched off the monitor. She held a cloth in her hand, and dragged it across Meredith's stomach, swiping away the leftover contents of the jelly. "Apart from that, do you have any questions that I can answer? I'll give you a pack of prenatal vitamins and a few pamphlets on guidelines on what to eat, what you can do, you know." She placed her chart on the counter and leaned back in her chair, folding her leg over her knee and crossing her arms.

"Um…" Derek cleared his throat after a certain period of silence, and then he dragged his hand through his hair. "Is it safe to… uh…" Meredith groaned and dragged her hand across her face, clearly aware of where this was going. "You know, is it safe to conduct… activities?"

Lucy laughed, "You mean, sex?"

Derek swallowed, and he could feel himself blush. "Yeah." Meredith smiled helplessly and chuckled.

"Yes, it is safe as long as she's having a normal pregnancy. It's should be alright until the last few weeks of pregnancy, actually, but as she grows, you may need to find more ways to get comfortable," Lucy said, and she was clearly trying to keep from laughing. Derek looked down.

"Perfect," He said quietly, and he winked at Meredith. She swatted his arm.

"What about ankle swelling? Don't pregnant people usually have swelled ankles? Is that normal?" Derek blurted. Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Yes, that's normal." Lucy said simply.

"What if… what if she wants to paint? Will the fumes hurt her?"

"Derek!" Meredith exclaimed in disbelief. "When would I paint? Heck, have you ever seen me paint?" She began to laugh.

"Uh, yeah, she can, as long as she is in a well ventilated area and doesn't do it for a prolonged period of time." Lucy answered with an amused smile.

"For your information, Meredith, you've seem to forgotten that soon, we'll have to be decorating the rooms of our new house," Derek scowled, his eyes sparkling. Meredith smiled widely.

"Oh yeah," She said. He leaned in to kiss her, and she kissed back.

"Any other questions?" Lucy said as she began to stand up. Her chair rolled against the ground as she pushed it away. Derek shook his head, as well as Meredith, and Lucy smiled at them. "Alrighty! Then I'll see you in a week and a half, right?"

"Yeah," Meredith responded, before Lucy was slinking out of the door, shutting it behind her. She hopped off of the table and made her way to her discarded scrub top on the floor and grabbed it. She fingered the bottom of the gown, ready to pull it off, but she spun to see Derek behind her. He was staring and smiling dumbly. She smirked, "What is it?"

He pressed her up against the wall and put his hands on her cheeks before kissing her fully and deeply, breathing love into her. Their tongues battled, and their bodies squashed together, and Meredith wrapped her arms around his neck as their heads bobbed in the motion of kissing. His lips tasted sweet, like coffee and love and Derek. "You," He breathed when they came up for air. "Just you."

_**A/N: What did you think? Reviews = motivation! Thanks for reading!**_

_**By the way, I decided to go ahead and bring in Lucy, honestly mainly because she made Alex happy, and I love to see Alex happy.  
**_


	14. Chapter 14

_**A/N: Wow, I've reached 100 reviews- That's amazing. I hope you all know how much they brighten my day. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy!**_

_Cristina was in the hallway, and she left Meredith to her own devices, so she stayed in the OR loyally next to Derek's side. His pale chest was exposed and open, and there was the explosion of red blood that interrupted the white palette as it spilled over his chest, falling in slow drips to the table beside him. His eyes were nearly closed, and his lips were growing whiter by the second. He had promised he wouldn't die, and she had made him laugh, and then it was just them in the still OR. Silence hummed, but it wasn't comfortable silence: It was an eerie silence, and all Meredith could do was pray that nothing would interrupt it. Nothing besides Cristina, that is. In fact, she was praying that Cristina would come back soon. Every minute that ticked by was like a stab to her heart. Derek needed surgery, and he needed it now. _

"_Mer, it hurts," He whispered, and his words faded away, but they had a dull permanence about them. They stayed stale in the air, and Meredith's tear ridden eyes blinked as she reached out to hold his hand. _

"_I know it does, I know," She murmured back to him, and his figure was blurry and distorted through her wall of salty tears. "Cristina will be back soon." Tick, tock, tick, tock. She watched as his lips closed and opened, sucking in as much breath as he could force into his lungs. He nodded slowly and they waited, and minutes later, Cristina was nowhere to be seen. Fear throbbed in Meredith's chest, and she squeezed his hand tighter. She was taking longer than Meredith had assumed: Cristina had left to search for any safe attendings, but that had been almost ten minutes ago. _

_Derek's eyes were closed, and his dry lips quivered as he spoke. "Meredith…" His voice was dry and empty, with a longing to it that made Meredith shiver. _

"_I know, Derek," She figured he was moaning from discomfort again, but he continued to talk, much to her surprised. Her eyes went from him to the OR door, to the scrub room, and then back to him. _

"_I…" He swallowed. "I don't – ever - want…you to be a-alone." Her breath twisted in her throat, and her stomach melted into a watery mess that sloshed in her stomach. The familiar dizziness had attacked her again. "I love you, and I… you deserve, love… in your life, and~" His own pain overcame him and he couldn't force himself to continue as he rolled his tongue over his teeth and winced. _

"_No," Her voice shook uncontrollably. "No, don't you dare do that, don't you start saying goodbye." And when she said it out loud, it all became too real to take. Her tears spilled over, and they rolled like waterfalls down her cheeks. "You promised. You promised you wouldn't… and you won't… This isn't how the story is supposed to end." Her breaths came in sobs and she tangled her free hand also into his palm. Her whole body trembled. "You have to live, Derek, please. Please." Her voice cracked and her body shook with the tension as she tried to contain her cries. _

_His breath fell from his lips unsteadily and he swallowed with his dry throat as his words floated papery in the room. "I'm not done… loving you. We're not done, I…" He swallowed and took another breath. "…promise." He coughed, cutting his sentence short. Meredith bit her lip and nodded at him, but the tears wouldn't stop. _

"_Thank you," She whispered. "I love you, Derek Shepherd. I love you so much." And she squeezed his hand again. _

Meredith awoke to her alarm clock screeching directly into her ear and she moaned loudly, stuffing her face deeper into her pillow and turning away from the sound as best as she could. It did nothing but muffle the screaming machine, and she sighed loudly before smacking her hand over the _Off _button. She flipped over, her bare legs skimming over the smooth sheets, and she blinked her eyes open. It was only a bit light outside, enough for her to make out shapes and colors in the room, but the alarm blinked 5:30 in the morning. It was days like these that she hated work with the entirety of her being. Or, she really just hated getting up: Yeah, that was it.

She craned her neck to look at the spot to the right of her, and much to her dismay, it was empty besides the lines of wrinkles and depressions that showed where Derek's vague form had once lay. Frowning, she sighed and scrabbled her hands across her face before swinging her legs around the side of the bed and landing them on the cool floor. Her back creaked as she stood up slowly and cautiously, her hand automatically drifting to her stomach as she did so, and she felt herself smile despite herself. She had been doing that a lot lately- holding her stomach- cradling their child.

She slowly made her way out of their warm cave of a bedroom, their cozy fortress where all the rest of the world dissolved away slowly and surely. Lexie and April were already at the hospital, and Meredith was glad. Their shifts were set up in a way where she often had alone time with Derek in the house, and _that _fact made her very, very happy. She couldn't imagine finally having their own house, for only them and their growing family.

She grabbed her soft, red robe and wrapped it around her body before tying the string tightly around her waist, and she reveled in the feeling of the soft, fluffy fabric against her skin. She knew Derek liked that bathrobe.

She tiptoed down the stairs and they creaked underneath her feet. It was brighter downstairs, and the smell of pancakes and breakfast food wafted into her nose. She smiled and she could hear someone clanging around in the kitchen: Derek. He was making her breakfast, and she knew that before she even entered the kitchen.

When she did, though, he was a sight for sore eyes. His hair was unruly, clearly not having been brushed yet, and his tight blue pajama shirt hugged him in all the right places. His arm muscles flexed as he flipped a pancake expertly, and he smiled brightly at her with his white teeth when he saw she had entered. His bright blue eyes were sparkling and lively. "Good morning," He said, and he surveyed her up and down, grinning as he saw she was wearing his favorite bathrobe.

"Morning," She chirped, and she smiled back at him. She slid into one of the stools at the counter across from where he was flipping his pancakes and watched his forearm muscles bob and move. She licked her lips. "You're making me breakfast."

"That I am," He nodded with a smile, and then asked, "Coffee?" She nodded largely and he reached up into a cabinet to wrap his fingers around a mug, pulling it down as it clanged on the counter. He pulled the coffee from the coffee maker and dumped it into the mug, letting it slosh in the cup. He slid it across the counter to Meredith and she looked up at him and smiled widely before bringing it to her lips and slurping noisily. The warm drink fell down her throat and she let out a content breath.

"Thanks," She said. She watched as he placed a fourth pancake onto one big plate. "How long have you been up?" She asked, curiousity bubbling in her throat.

"Probably around twenty minutes," He said, after his eyes quickly surveyed the clock rapidly. "Yeah, twenty minutes." He picked up the container that held the batter and carefully poured the remainder of the batter into the center of the griddle pan that sat over the stove. It sizzled and bubbles formed over the heat as steam wafted up towards the ceiling.

"It smells good," She observed before taking another hearty gulp of her coffee. It was bitter, but it was a good bitter, the kind that made her feel more awake. She smacked her lips.

"Yeah? I figured you could start getting used to real breakfasts," He chuckled.

Meredith scowled, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It _means, _that things like cold pizza - oh, and old Chinese food- do not count as breakfast anymore, now that you're feeding two people," He retorted, and he smirked at her stomach.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, I have 'real' breakfast all the time."

"What did you have yesterday?"

She paused, muttering, "Cold pasta. But that was just yesterday, I was running late."

"Day before that?" He prompted, and he flipped the pancake after checking the state of it's cooking.

"Uh… Chinese food…" She said dryly.

"And before that?"

"A leftover sandwich…" She said quietly, rolling her eyes again as she felt her cheeks flush in defeat. She looked down and took another swig of coffee in order to buy sweet time.

"Told you," He protested. "You could use some real breakfast food, therefore, I am _making _you real breakfast food." He then smiled, his blue eyes sparkling with pride, and she couldn't help but to smile back while shaking her head.

"Whatever, Derek." She said, and watched him as he flicked off the heat on the stove and dump the final pancake on the plate. Steam floated from the pile on the plate, and Meredith sniffed it with a smile.

"Hey, could you get out two plates?" He asked as he moved to the fridge, rummaging through it as he squatted down to grab the butter. Meredith nodded and hopped off the stool, her hair swishing across her neck as she bounced towards the cabinet that held the plates. She reached up to gather two, but before she knew it, Derek had wrapped his hands around her small waist. He nuzzled his head into the nape of her neck and breathed in her familiar lavender scent, and she felt a shiver run up her spine. His hands slid up her waist, underneath her bathrobe, and he pinned her against the cabinet to kiss her deeply, their lips mashing perfectly as he worked his tongue. He moaned quietly and casually into her mouth, enjoying himself, and enjoying her. His hands slid lower on her, falling below her waist, and she slapped his arm with a laugh. "Hey!" He grinned coyly and smacked her butt lightly, and she giggled as she arched her back. He played with the strings of her robe.

"I can't resist!"

"I know," She smiled. She placed her palms on his chest and kissed his jawline. "Do you want me to get the plates or no?"

He pouted, "Fine," And he took a step away from her. Meredith winked at him and turned back around to grab the plates. They gritted together, screeching with that awful noise, and she set them on the table before plopping down in a chair. Derek did the same, only bringing the plate of pancakes, the butter, and the maple syrup and setting it onto the table.

Meredith immediately reached for the pancakes with her fork and scooped it onto her plate happily, and skidded the butter towards her across the table. She soaked it into her pancake before dumping the syrup- the real kind, not the crappy kind- onto her pancake. She smiled up at him, who looked very amused. "What?" She said, pausing before shoving a piece of the pancake in her mouth. It melted under her taste buds and she closed her eyes and smiled, sighing and relaxing back into her chair.

"You just turned my pancakes into walking heart attacks," He observed, before cutting a piece of his own stack into a neat square and forking it into his mouth. She scowled.

"No, I just made them better."

"Are you saying my pancakes weren't good in the first place?" Derek teased. Meredith smirked.

"No, they're delicious," She laughed. "They're just better with fat and sugar on them."

"I see," He nodded and laughed. He still didn't completely understand, but he shrugged, eating quickly while trying to savor the taste.

"Thanks for breakfast," Meredith smiled after swallowing a large bite. She smiled at him, and he smiled back fully. She leaned across the table to kiss him quickly on the lips, and her lips tasted sweet and sugary as the kiss lingered on his. He smiled through the kiss as she sat back down. There was a spot of syrup that sat on the chest area of her robe, and Derek laughed. He stared: Nope, not just a glance, a full on stare.

She narrowed her eyes, "What?"

"You have a little, uh, syrup on your," He gestured to his chest area and she looked down to the corresponding area on herself, and she rolled her eyes, licked her finger, and rubbed at it. Derek swallowed and continued to stare.

She looked back up at him, "You're staring."

"No, I'm not!" He argued, immediately looking back up at her face.

"You're such a boy," She laughed heartily and strained to get the remainder of the mess off, and he laughed too. She got almost all of it off and lifted her gaze back up, only to find him staring at her again: Only this time, he was actually looking at her face, into her gorgeous blue-green eyes. She looked at him, tilting her head curiously, "What is it?"

He cleared his throat and pushed his plate away from himself, signaling that he was finished, and then met her eyes. "I had something to ask you. Well, I had something to…tell you." He said. Her face screwed up into a frown and she nodded distantly.

"Okay. Wait, is it something bad?" She said, the words rushing out of her mouth like a waterfall. Even the thought that he was mad at her about something she didn't know she did made her nervous. She swallowed thickly.

"No!" He shook his head rapidly, and she felt a weight lift off of her shoulders. She exhaled and let her eyes flutter shut in relief. "No, it's not."

"Okay, good." She said, nodding at him, prompting him to move on. There was an uncomfortable silence that followed soon after, and she shifted in her chair and continued to look at him. "Derek, what is it?" The worry returned, because he clearly looked like he was having a hard time telling her whatever he needed to tell her. "Spit it out."

He nodded and sighed, leaning forward in his seat. "My family's coming to visit." He blurted it, and the words rushed out, tumbling in a jumble of messy syllables and overlapping each other like messy waves in a current-filled river. There was a sharp silence afterwards as Meredith stared, and her stomach turned to water.

_My family's coming to visit. _"Oh, I like your mom," She said distantly, too distantly, her voice cold and flat like a robot. _But I don't know if your mom likes me, _she didn't dare to say, but her heart sank in her chest. The last time his mom had been to visit had been a few days after he had been shot. They had gotten along pretty well, but the memories of the last time Meredith saw her still made her heart pound.

Before she had left to go back to the east coast, Carolyn had gone to see Meredith to say goodbye. She had walked in on Meredith sobbing in Derek's room, completely losing it and letting her guard down to everyone and everything. She had been so shocked that Carolyn had seen it, that she had the worst reaction she could have possibly hoped for.

_Meredith sat, the tears falling so hard that she didn't know how to contain herself. Derek was laying, looking cold and empty and unconscious in his hospital bed, and Meredith was sitting beside him. Her head was in her hands as she sobbed harder, her breaths coming fast and raw and uneven. "I should have told you I was pregnant when I had the chance," He couldn't hear her, which was the exact room why she was saying it. "I should have told you. Maybe things would be different. Derek, oh, Derek, I should have… I should have told you. And now you're here, and I…" She wept into her hands harder and harder, her body rocking and shuddering as she tried to catch her breath, which seemed to slipping from her grip every time she came close. "…I, I, I…" She sputtered weakly and stared at his broken form. "I told Mr. Clark to shoot me, instead, and I love you, I love you so much," She cried, and she tried to hold herself to cradle herself. "You begged, you begged, and I couldn't do anything about it, I wanted to… I would have taken that bullet for you, Derek, I… but you were far away, and I…" She sobbed harder, unable to hold her emotions in. Her tears fell down her cheeks nonstop, and she could try to dry them all she wanted, but they'd simply get wet a moment later. _

_There was a shuffle outside the room, and Meredith spun, the tears still falling, only to see Carolyn Shepherd staring at her, wide eyed. She clutched her purse as tight as she could between her fingers, and her expression was dripping with concern and horror. Meredith had given her the 'sugar-coated' version of what happened when she first arrived: She had said nothing about the begging or the miscarriage. And Carolyn had heard everything. _

_Shock and denial flooded Meredith's brain, and before she could stop herself, she cried, "Go, please, just…" And she collapsed into her hands again, overwhelmed by everything and everyone, all at once. _

And Meredith was more than afraid that Carolyn was still holding that to her. She didn't even want to think about how Carolyn liked her after that. They hadn't talked since that, months ago. Meredith rubbed her hands together as Derek continued.

"Mer…" He tried his hardest to chose his words carefully. "Not just my mom. My _whole _family."

Whole family.

Meredith froze in that instant. She was _not _good with families. "I-I have to shower," She stuttered, avoiding his gaze as she stood up. Dishes clattered as the table was shoved, and she scrambled to get away from the table. She rushed away from him, running as fast as she could up the stairs, tears of confusion and worry stinging her eyes. She wanted more than anything for Derek's family to accept her, but she just didn't know if that was going to happen.

_**A/N: Well, what do you think about that? I've always thought that they should have shown Derek's family, or mom at least, coming to visit him. I mean, he does love his family. **_

_**Reviews make my day :)**_

_**Thanks to everyone for reading!**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**A/N: I am so sorry about the wait! Enjoy!**_

Meredith stared ahead, and only ahead, keeping her focal point anywhere except to the man beside her. Her right hand was relaxed subconsciously on her low stomach, and her left tapped the side of the passenger seat. Outside the sky was painted gray, not raining completely- just damp. The air was thick and cold and sticky, and the humidity from the heat filling their car fogged the windows with a slight warm film. Derek, sitting beside her, was driving, navigating through the city. The sound that was looming in the cabin of the car was an uncomfortable silence. In fact, she hadn't talked to him since she had run upstairs to shower: She had simply darted back downstairs and slid outside to meet Derek in the car. Every since then they had remained in silence: Well, until now.

"Meredith…" He started off in his trademark half-sigh-half-displeased tone that dipped low and dripped with murky distaste. Meredith sighed and dragged her hand through her hair, leaning back in her seat, straining to keep herself as far away from the conversation as she possibly could. She could see him glance at her out of the corner of her eye, "Can we just… talk about it?" He was stiff and rigid in his seat, but his tone was soft and pleading. Meredith swallowed hard. She did not want this to send them hurling into an abyss of fighting or avoidance, but… She shook her head. He sighed sharply. "Mer, please."

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" She said flatly, rubbing her forehead. "Your family's coming. That's good." But her tone didn't match her words, and Derek could see right through her.

"No. You panicked and ran upstairs when I told you, and then you wouldn't talk to me. Everything isn't good… Will you please talk to me?" He begged, his tone tired and pleading. He turned his head to face her and looked at her, his eyes sad and frustrated. _Yes, I'll talk to you, as soon as you apologize for springing this on me without any freaking warning. _

"Eyes on the road," She said quietly, and she looked out the window, pressing her face against the cool, foggy glass. She sighed, and pillow-like cloud softly puffed from her mouth and clouded the glass even thicker than before. She reached up and lightly dragged her finger down through the humidity, leaving clear streaks in its wake. Slowly, she worked her finger into a heart like design, swirling around aimlessly in the coolness.

Derek continued to drive, directing his gaze back to the road instantly. "I know," He grumbled.

"Well, if you're distracted, you might miss someone running a red light." She said distantly, her own voice sounding like the words that would come out of a textbook. Derek groaned and stifled a comeback. He hated to make her feel bad, but with the way she was treating him then, he didn't know what else to do. He pressed his foot on the pedal and felt the car rumble as it burbled to life again as he passed carefully across the intersection.

He didn't know what to do. He wasn't sure why she was so upset: She had said that she liked his mom before. Nancy was another issue, but Meredith was strong, and she certainly could hold herself up against Nancy… so what was the problem? He hated it when they fought, absolutely despised it. It not only filled him with unwanted anger, but it made him sad. He wanted nothing else but to make her happy, and when they fought- whether it was his fault or hers- he knew that he did the opposite. And the fact that they were in a fight about something he didn't even know made him more frustrated, but he sucked in his breath, calmly relaxed his arms on the steering wheel, and strained to keep his voice level.

"Mer…" He could see she was about to open her mouth to retort, but he caught her in time. "I'm not trying to start a fight. I just… I'm having trouble understanding why you're mad and I…" He exhaled slowly and licked his lips as he struggled to find the right words to keep going. She wasn't interrupting or yelling or sighing yet, so he considered that a triumph. "If you could just tell me why you're upset, or, or what I did wrong, maybe we could just figure this out. I mean, I know we can- It's probably not even that big of a deal, if you could just explain. Or try to explain. Or." He glanced at her and made a point to look directly back at the road, and he braced himself as he waited.

She dragged her hand through her hair and checked her watch, buying herself time before she had to respond. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't tell him what had happened right _then- _not fifteen minutes before they were going to see their child's heartbeat. She was already stressed, her hormones were already rushing, and her blood pressure was surely shooting through the roof. If she tried to tell him what happened, she would most likely melt into a hormonal puddle of sobs and hysteria at his feet. "Derek," She said softly. She didn't want them to fight, either. She sat up straight and looked over at him as gently as she could. "Today… we're seeing our child's heartbeat for the first time. And I want that moment to be amazing, I want it to be wonderful, I want it to be… perfect. Okay? So, if I asked you to put this problem aside for an hour, if you could just wait until we finish with the appointment… If we could pretend the issue wasn't even here, just during the appointment… could you?"

He glanced sideways and met her gaze momentarily as they pulled into the hospital parking lot. Her eyes were sparkling, and she looked sad, but excited all at the same time. She curled the edges of her lips up ever so slightly into a half smile, and he smiled softly back. "Yeah. I can." She exhaled and nodded, and her smile visibly brightened a bit.

"Okay! Okay. That's… that's good." She unlocked her seatbelt and nodded at him. "Okay." She exhaled again. "Let's go then!" She began to slide off the seat and click open the door, but Derek gently grabbed her high forearm to stop her. She blinked and looked at him, pausing.

"Meredith?"

"What?" She frowned. "Our appointment is in five minutes, we have to go."

"Promise you'll tell me after. Okay?" He said, firm but gentle and reassuring. He needed to at least be reassured that she would for _sure _explain to him what was happening. She was good about doing that, but Derek just wanted to be sure.

Meredith smiled softly and nodded, "I promise, Derek." She leaned upwards when he let go of her arm and kissed his cheek gently, a quick peck against his stubbly skin. "I do."

He smiled back at her and unlocked his own seatbelt before hopping to the ground and slamming his door shut. The air was surprisingly warm, but a chilly ripple of air sent goose bumps flying across his skin. He met Meredith in front of their car and they entangled their fingers together tightly, clasping to each other like a magnet. And they remained that way as they walked through the hospital to the OB/GYN, where they were immediately escorted into an exam room. That was one of the perks of working at the hospital: You could make appointments at 6:15 in the morning no problem, and you didn't have long waits in the awkward silence of the waiting room where your biggest concern was making awkward eye contact with the person sitting next to you.

The moment they entered the exam room, the intern instructed Meredith that there was no need for a gown this visit, as only her stomach would be exposed. Beside her, Derek groaned, "That's no fun…" and Meredith slapped him. She blushed and ushered the intern out of the room as fast as she could, embarrassment settling in her stomach. She put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at him.

"That was an intern, Derek."

"Yes it was."

"An intern…"

"Yup," He yawned, and he smiled cockily at her. She rolled her eyes.

"You can't talk like that in front of interns, I'll get a bad rep." She instructed firmly, but Derek just scowled and then smiled widely, amused at her. He took a step towards her and grabbed her waist, pulling her close and pressing their foreheads together. She smiled at him.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey," He whispered, kissing her cheek and then her jaw line until he got to her earlobe, and kissed the spot just behind it. A shiver trembled down her spine as he breathed, "You're just irresistible." He nibbled on her earlobe and she arched her back towards him, leaning forward to kiss his neck. She sucked gently on his hot skin and worked her tongue up along to his prominent jaw line. He stifled one of his familiar Derek moans in his mouth, and without thinking, reached up and under her scrub top, smoothing his hands along the curves of her smooth skin. She grinned and her eyelids fluttered shut as he let his hands roam everywhere he pleased, reveling the feeling of his large hands against her small body. He leaned closer and lifted higher, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Darn it," He muttered as she broke away, scooted onto the bed and gave the okay for Lucy to enter: And she did, happily bobbing on her calves as she entered with Meredith's familiar chart.

"Welcome back," She said, smiling warmly. "Are you guys ready to do this?" She was already pulling the monitor over closer to the edge of the bed, and it screeched as it was dragged across the floor. "Could you lift up your shirt for me, please?"

Meredith took a deep breath and nodded, glancing at Derek out of the corner of her eye. She then did what she was supposed to, lifting her shirt up above her flat stomach. He reached over and sandwiched her small hand between both of his, only before leaning down to kiss the top of her smooth, small hand. He lifted his gaze to her and smiled softly. She smiled back and tried to force herself to relax somewhat.

"Okay, this will be a little cold…" Lucy warned before squirting the gel onto her bare stomach. It twitched with the change of temperature and Meredith's stomach shuddered. Derek, being his protective, caring self, reached out one of his fingers and stroked the smooth side of her waist. Her skin flared with goose bumps.

Lucy placed the transducer on Meredith's stomach and began dragging, slowly and carefully, keeping her movements exact and precise. She swirled and pulled it along her stomach, her eyes glued to the monitor as tightly as she could, as if her gaze was completely and utterly locked. Meredith felt herself squeeze Derek's hand tighter.

This was it. This was where they found out if their baby was safe: In fact, where they found out if their baby was even alive. The thought made her shudder, a worried shiver darting down her spine like a shard of ice. She swallowed thickly and shifted her weight she lay on. Lucy continued to search. "Is everything okay?" Meredith forced out. Moments ticked. Time slowed. The room spun.

Lucy didn't respond, just continued searching with a small 'shhhh' trilling from her lips. Meredith bit her lip and kicked her toes slightly while Derek gripped her hand close to his face, cradling it as if it was their own child. They sat and they waited, time barreling down on them. Their nerves were rattled and frayed as they sat there and prayed, hoped, did anything they could possibly think of.

"Oh…" Lucy's voice cut into their silent begs and pleas, slicing through the silence like sharpened glass. They paused. Waited. Silence stirred unpleasantly in the air, and hundreds of thoughts buzzed through Meredith's head. She stared at Lucy and swallowed thickly. "Oh, oh, there it is. _There_ it is." Lucy exhaled as Meredith's heart stopped, and her brain tried to compute the words into the proper setting- but it was having issues. The murky cloud of uncertainty lifted itself from her shoulders and she let out a gasp of pent up air. "There it is…" Lucy said quietly, smiling as she pointed a long finger to the screen of the monitor. A heartbeat was humming distantly and rhythmically.

Both Meredith and Derek's eyes floated to the screen at the same time, trying to feast on the image and savor it as fast as they possibly could. Their eyes grabbed the moment, taking mental pictures, gasping and choking on the joy that pooled in the back of their throats. Tears filled both of their eyes: Tears of joy and relief and everything in between. Their baby had a heartbeat. Their baby would have a heartbeat for the rest of it's life, as it grew up with them… all the time. That was their baby: Their own living being human with a heartbeat that nestled deep inside the heart of Meredith.

Derek reached over carefully and gently, and tilted her head down to face his. He smiled, his eyes glimmering with happiness and relief as he leaned in to gently kiss her lips. It was soft, but carefully placed so their lips meshed together like delicate puzzle pieces. He smelled of happiness and joy, and Meredith's innards tingled with happiness. "That's our baby," She whispered, and she savored the sound of the small heartbeat as it melted down through her earlobe.

Derek nodded happily beside her, biting his lip and swallowing thickly. His eyes were wet and sparkling with pure happiness as he watched the screen, and then her face, and then back to the screen. She glowed with blind happiness as she watched and listening, carefully stroking the top of his hand as Lucy began to wipe the gel from her stomach. She had never felt like that before, and it was absolutely amazing.

But then, suddenly, out of nowhere, something occurred to Meredith. Months earlier, she _had _felt that feeling. She had felt the fluttery excitement, the way her innards twisted inside, the thickness full of amazement in the back of her throat… she had felt it all months earlier when she pulled out that first pregnancy test. She remembered it all so clearly. She hadn't been expecting anything, just hoping, and despite everything, the hoping worked. But in the end, the hoping _didn't _work, because she had lost her first baby.

She had lost her first baby.

Her breaths were suddenly coming in sobs, developing from a place inside of her that she couldn't pinpoint, and she coughed vibrantly. There were suddenly tears so big inside of her eyes that they blurred her vision until they rolled down her cheeks in fat droplets that never seemed to end. Her body shook, her shoulders trembled, and she put her face into her hands and muffled her cries into her palms.

Lucy was clearly taken aback. "I'll, I'll go get the prenatal vitamins and give you guys a minute," She forced, backing up slowly and carefully until she was able to twist her hand around the doorknob and pull, backing out of the room as easily as she had come in. It slammed, and the sound of Meredith's soft, upset moans filled the room.

Derek immediately leaned into her, putting his big hands on her shoulders and gently holding her shaking body steady. He reached one hand up and carefully tucked her bangs from her eyes. "What's wrong?" He asked softly and carefully, choosing his words with precision. He didn't want to scare her off.

She wiped her eyes furiously and sniffled into the warm skin of her palm. "I…" Her breath was hoarse and thick and low with tears. She restarted, "I lost a baby, Derek." She struggled to keep her voice level.

Derek sucked in his breath and nodded slowly, understanding. "I know," He whispered, and he used his hand to rub up and down her back in a soothing, repetitive motion. "And I'm so sorry."

"You shouldn't be sorry," She moaned, wiping her eyes again without success. "You're not the one who permanently scared away your mother!" She took a deep, shuddery breath and kept her hands over her eyes. "Sorry, sorry," She whispered, but she couldn't cover it up now.

"Is that what this morning was about?" He said softly. She nodded, sniffling weakly into her hands. Derek sighed. "Meredith, what happened?"

"I just… she… saw me when I was crying about it, and I just… I yelled and I…" She forced out. Tears rolled from her face and dripped from her chin onto her dark jeans. "I'm sorry, Derek. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," She whimpered. She had lost a child and her only mother figure, and without those, and at the time, she didn't know what she was going to do.

"I see," He said, absorbing the words for only a second before responding. "Mer, you didn't scare my mom away. Look at me," He said before softly reached for her chin. She dropped her hands reluctantly, revealing a face streaked with tears, and he gently used the pad of his thumb to swipe them away. "I promise you, you would have to do a lot more than that to scare her away."

"But what about the~"

He waved it off, "I know my mom, Mer. And she loves you. I know she does. She never fails to remind me that you're the one. And I know that she's right." He quieted his voice and sighed, before looking straight into her eyes. "And you- we- lost a baby… and that sucks." He took a shuddery breath and leaned towards her slowly, until their foreheads were touching: Ever so slightly, but they were touching, and he held her hand tight. "You have to trust me. And, about this morning…" He sucked in his breath and kissed her cheek. "I was wrong to spring the news like that onto you, and I'm sorry. I should have talked to you about it ahead of time."

She watched the lines on his face, the color of his eyes, the shifts of his body movements, and he was being sincere. He meant what he said to the fullest, that was true, and he just wanted her back. He didn't want to fight, and she didn't want to fight. It was simple. They read each other like books. She wiped her nose, nodding, and sniffled. Softly, she said, "I really hate having all of these freaking hormones.

"Then we'll have to see how they do with the surprise I have for you next week."

_**A/N: Yes, that chapter was pretty short, and yes, I took a long time to update: I'm sorry about that! I've been really very busy lately. This is definitely not the best chapter I've ever written, lol. **_

_**BUT, sure enough, I have a BIG surprise for you all next chapter, so hold onto your seatbelts…**_

_**Reviews make my day!**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	16. Chapter 16

**_A/N: My huge apologies for the wait. Thank you so much for the reviews, I wish I could describe how much they brighten my day :) Enjoy!_**

**_Thanks for reading!_**

"Derek, you've had me keep my freaking eyes shut for the last fifteen minutes, and I'm sick of it," Meredith snapped.

A small chuckled gurgled in the base of Derek's throat. "I said you could sleep."

"I'm pregnant. And I have to pee. There will be no sleeping," She muttered.

"They call them surprises for a reason, Mer."

That morning, Meredith had awoken to Derek hovering over her, chanting the word 'surprise' in her ear. Before she knew it, she was dressed, and he sat her in the passenger seat of the car with the simple promise to keep her eyes shut the entire time. _Don't you like surprises? _He had said, and she could only nod and oblige to his wish. After fifteen minutes of sitting blind in the car, though, with the rain pounding the window, she was beginning to lose her patience.

"I swear I'll open my eyes," She threatened, slumped in her seat like an angry child.

"Don't you dare," He teased, his voice high and sing-song. "You don't want to spoil the surprise. I remember, my mom used to tell me, that if we saw the Christmas presents before Christmas, we didn't get them. So, just follow that principle here."

She crinkled up her nose, "Excuse me?"

"Just…don't open your eyes. We're almost there, okay?" He said with a sigh. A smile curled at his lips. She was so cute when she was angry.

_Meredith awoke with a weird feeling- a feeling that someone was watching her, or something. Blinking open her blue eyes, the blurred figure over her head turned into Derek, and she swallowed. She blinked and yawned, stretching her hands above her head and screwing up her face in distaste. "Why are you up so early? We have today off. Actually… why are you watching me sleep? I thought you got over that phase." _

_He chuckled lightly, then reached out to trail his fingertips along her hair line. "We're going somewhere." _

_He then leaned in to kiss her, but she crinkled up her nose in confusion and placed her palm against his bare chest, stopping him in his attempt. "Excuse me?"_

"_I told you I had a surprise for you," He smiled, and he moved past her tiny ineffectual palm to kiss her successfully. "So get up." He chuckled as she groaned reluctantly and buried her head deeper into the pillow. He leaned over and kissed the curve of her shoulder, and she groaned. _

"_No. Don't do that," She whined. He trailed his fingers up and down her arm, letting them dance and tickle her soft skin. _

"_Do what?"_

"_The McDreamy thing. It won't work. Not this morning, at least," She mumbled into her pillow, her voice muffled. "I'm sleeping. Plus, it's raining anyways." She groaned. Derek poked her ribs, and she snorted out a laugh she failed to muffle. He reached under the warm haven of covers and dragged his hands down the length of her body, feeling every inch of skin, tricking his fingers across his chest and pausing just below her waist.. She sucked in her breath, "Stop it," She whined, although he knew she didn't really mean it. He kissed her collarbone, dipping low. She tangled her hands in his hair. "Derek," She said. "I'm not waking up."_

"_Oh," He said. "You seem quite awake to me." _

"What if you're taking me somewhere sketchy?" Meredith quipped. Derek laughed and screwed up his face in confusion, blinking.

"Sketchy, as in…"

"A place I can get mugged. Or kidnapped," She replied simply. Derek shook his head to himself and chuckled, pressing his foot a little harder against the gas pedal of the car. It rumbled and sped up as he neared his destination. "I mean, it's already pouring, so that contributes to the sketchiness."

"Calm down," He laughed, skimming a hand through his wavy black hair. He loved her, and she was too adorable for him to even fathom, but she was feeling surprisingly talkative this morning. "We're here."

"Oh," She murmured. She felt the car lurch forward, treading unevenly on the road, as if it wasn't smooth- No, it wasn't smooth, so she couldn't help but to wonder where they were? Was he taking her camping or something? "I swear, if you're dragging me into the freaking wilderness…Derek Shepherd." The car rumbled on unsteadily until it sped momentarily, swung around a turn, and then the movement stopped. Sharply and roughly, it just stopped instantly, and the rumbling engine ticked as it died down. She heard the keys scrape against the ignition as he yanked them out, and she sighed. His door opened and she could slightly hear his shoes plop in the soft ground- and there was a splash of some sort. Mud. "Did you bring any umbrellas?" She called uneasily, and a moment later, Derek had popped up by her side, swinging her door open.

"No," He admitted. She sucked in her breath as she felt his hand crawl across his lap and unlatch the seatbelt, and after hearing the affirmative click, he wrapped his hands around his waist. The warmth of his palms radiated through the fabric of her red coat. She exhaled and chewed on the inside of her lip. "Just slide out- Trust me." He purred into her ear, and a darting chill shot up her spine.

She did as she was asked and slid out to the side, having Derek support her with his large, protective hands. He was careful to be sure that she didn't hit the ground too hard, and when she did, she could feel her feet slink a bit lower in the soft, wet earth. It smelled like spring, and like rain, and she could feel the soft drops hit her face and trickle down her chin. They patted softly against her wavy blonde hair, and she shivered. His arm remained around her waist and he guided her as they walked a few steps, blindly.

Anticipation ate at her. "Can I open my eyes yet?" She asked. Excitement and curiosity seemed to be having quite the party in the base of her stomach. She rocked slightly on her shoes, which squished in the mud.

"Yeah. I just- I have to say something," He said, and he sucked in his breath. Her heart fluttered impatiently, but his words made it thump with adoration. "I love you. I love you, so much, and we're starting a family. I am so grateful for everything- _everything- _you do, and I want you to always know that. I've loved you for… forever. Since I laid my eyes on you. And finally… I can find a way to show you, and I…" A pause. The rain fell. "I can't wait to start this family with you, Meredith." There was another pause, and she smiled widely through shut eyes. Derek leaned down and kissed her temple before whispering, "Open your eyes, Meredith."

She blinked her eyes open slowly in anticipation, and at first, she just saw Derek. But her eyes widened as the big picture- the surprise- came in to focus behind him. Her stomach dropped like a stone. Behind his beaming figure, getting attacked by rain, was their house- their _new _house.

Words escaped her, and she gasped- loudly. As if something had yanked all of her breath out of her. It was one of the loudest gasps she'd ever heard herself make, in fact- and she lost her breath. It escaped her, and she couldn't find it. She just stared, eyes wide, and the beautiful brown house that towered before them. It was a mixture of brick and the usual light brown panels that were usually on houses, which Meredith didn't know the name for. The front door was large and black, a modern square, and it glistened with raindrops. The house itself was a rectangular cube- modern but homey. And in the exact shape of the candle house.

Tear brimmed her eyes, because of her utter disbelief and raw amazement. This had been the very last thing she was expecting at all. Rain poured, swirling from the gray sky above, and it soaked her hair to that it stuck to her face. She swallowed and panted, turning to face Derek, who beamed at her. His smile was so bright and cheerful that she choked on her breath. He looked so happy. And she _was _so happy.

"D-Derek," She said weakly, and her legs trembled beneath her. Her lips trembled, and she looked at him, shaking her head in disbelief. Her smile was locked on her face. Ran fell in streams down her cheeks, pouring from the strands of her bangs. "This… it's…"

And he took step towards her, slowly, carefully, smiling from ear to ear. She flashed back to when she had first built that candle house- that beautiful candle house- and he had walked the same way as he was then. His smile was soft but bright, and by the time he reached her, he was dripping with soaking rain that trickled down his cheeks and soaked his hair, so that it flopped over in all the odd ways. Her lip trembled as she smiled, and he gently placed a hand on her cheek, using his thumb to rub softly on her jaw line. "I love you, Meredith Grey," He whispered, and he tipped her head up gently before dipping to kiss her. Their lips met perfectly, just as they always had, only it was a different kind of kiss. A kiss overtaken by love and unbelievable excitement. His hands drew a map across her back and she hooked hers behind his armpits, holding him tightly as the rain fell around them. His tongue worked hers feverishly, and she trembled in the cold rain and in his arms.

When they pulled away, the dampness on her cheeks was both rain and tears- tears of happiness. He smiled at her and said, "This is our house."

"This is our house," She repeated, her voice bright and shaking. She tried to get a hold of her breath the best she could, and she said to him, softly, "Thank you. Thank you." She looked up and kissed him gently. So gently, that their lips hovered near and close to each other, barely grazing each other.

He wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple before he ushered her towards the door, walking her carefully and tenderly up the steps. They only creaked slightly as they walked up, and he turned the knob on the black door so that it opened. He smiled, "It's really not decorated yet, you know, because we haven't moved any of our things. So it's empty. But, I still… Yeah. Um." He swallowed. Meredith laughed softly and looked up at him.

"Derek, do I look like the kind of girl who cares that you didn't decorate already?" She said, and she then began to follow his lead as he guided her around the house.

The bottom floor was spacious and modern, but echoed the original roots of homey-ness and family. It was mimicking almost the exact layout of the candle house, she recognized, but the rooms were bigger. They all surrounded the original staircase in the middle. There was one room set off from the others, medium sized and a light blue color. There was an obvious space in the wall for a TV, and many large windows. Meredith peered in and smiled, "Is this the room where~"

"~the kids will play?" Derek finished her sentence with an affirming nod, and she smiled widely at him. "What, did you think I'd forget that?"

The living room, towards the back of the house, was large, full of windows and light. It looked over the green, luscious space of Derek's land. Rain streamed down the glass, trickling down the window pane like a waterfall. Attached to the empty, large living room was the kitchen, a dark, marble bar-esque counter separating the two rooms. Shining black appliances decorated the square shape kitchen, with an island hovering in the center. The tiles were tan and beautiful, to match the cabinets.

Before she knew it he was pulling her up the dark oak staircase in the center of the house, the slick steps fresh and new and smelling of nature. Her socks skidded and slipped along the smooth wood until they made it to the top of the stairs, entering a wide hallway. There were a few bright, modern-style light fixtures that hung on the gray wall, and when Derek flipped on the switch, light cascaded to fill the hallway. It was a golden-white color that spilled across the walls.

The upstairs was carpeted with a dull white flat fabric, and he pulled her first to the left. On that end of the straight hallway there were two rooms and a bathroom. The rooms were a good size and would be perfect for kids, and the bathroom had a double sink and was stacked with white drawers. The shower was curtainless, but beautiful nonetheless. Everything, although new, felt like they had lived there forever. It felt _them. _

They made a U-Turn and went down to the right, past a small linen closet and through a white doorway. When they entered the master bedroom, though, Meredith couldn't help but to gasp in surprise. It was furnished and new, complete with a dark chocolate colored dresser and nightstand. Twin reading lights, attached to the dark red wall at either side, were shining when he flipped the couch. "I figured we could use a new bed," He laughed. "And a new headboard. Our old one is kind of…broken."

"Okay, that's so your fault. Just saying," Meredith teased. Derek gasped in mock disbelief and shoved her slightly.

"That's so not true. It was all you."

"No."

"Then I'll have to prove it tonight," He whispered, and his words curled into her ear, sending a shiver darting down her spine.

She had to take a step away from him before she jumped on him right then on there. She headed to the bathroom, dragging her bare feet purposely through the dark shag carpet. Opening the door, she smiled widely- The first thing she noticed was the large bathtub, one with jets that could fit two people without a doubt. Derek walked up behind her. "Like it?" He said with a wink. She laughed and smacked him on the arm. Of course, there was a large shower and a small separate room for the toilet.

"Why am I not surprised?" She said, giggling with delight. She took strides across the white tile floor towards the large mirror and glanced at them in the mirror. Her hair was wet and curly and tangled, complete with random single strands that shot out every which way. His hair spiked up at odd angles everywhere, and the front of his hair was dripping and poking out over his sparkling blue eyes. Their shirts were both soaked and clinging awkwardly to their bodies. Meredith couldn't help but to laugh. "Look at us," She sighed. Derek smiled at her in the reflection.

"We make quite the pair." He observed. She nodded, and watched in the mirror as he took slow strides towards her, pressing up behind her.

"We do, don't we?" She said softly. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed behind her neck softly, letting his lips linger.

"Yes. And now, we have a house," He observed, moving up to nibble on her ear. She smiled dreamily.

"Yes, we do." She whispered happily back to him, before he grabbed her waist and spun her to face him. She smiled widely up at him and raised her eyebrow. "May I help you?"

"You just… make me so…" He said, but before he could finish his sentence, he found himself throwing his weight at her as he pushed her against the wall of the bathroom and mashing his lips into hers. She was surprised at first, but melted into the kiss. He breathed fire into her, his tongue working hard in her mouth. His hands slid up her body, catching the seam of her shirt, and he pressed against her as hard as he could. Their bodies fit together like a puzzle piece, and she slid her hands up his shirt, underneath the cold wet fabric of the dark blue button down and tracing the outline of the muscles on his chest. She followed the trail of chest hair and felt down his arms, reveling the feeling of his tight muscles, and leaned into him. She kissed harder, he kissed harder, and fiery passion radiated from them.

"I love you," He whispered, and their foreheads pressed together gently, looking into each others eyes. Their breathing remained rhythmic and their breaths matched.

Meredith looked at him and nearly melted in adoration. "I love you too," She said softly. It was then when she felt his hand on her stomach- it had begun to grow, ever so slightly, with the child inside of her. Their child. This was their child, their house, their family, their life.

**_A/N: So, what did you think? They finally have the dreamhouse, yay! It's about time, I'd say. Now, hold onto your seatbelts, there's more coming…_**

**_Thanks for reading :) Reviews mean so much!_**


	17. Chapter 17

_**A/N: Sorry that took so long. Reviews encourage me to update faster…**_

_**Oh, and hold onto your seatbelts. That's all I'm going to say.**_

**Crash and Burn (Part One)**

She felt his hands slip around her waist before she knew he was approaching, and she giggled at the feeling of his warm hands on her hips. He leaned in and dipped to her ear, where he kissed the smooth violin curve of her neck. "May I help you?" She said as she struggled to get low enough to finish taping the brown moving box.

"I'm just breathing you in," He whispered with familiar words, and then he chuckled as he let his hands roam freely.

"Uh-huh. Okay. Well, that's awesome, but if you want me to keep packing you're going to have to let me go…" She warned as she tried to slap down the tape which was proving difficult to keep stuck down. He laughed into her ear. "Derek." He made an exaggerated groan into her ear and released her, only after he left a kiss on her cheek. She smiled brightly and looked up at him happily. "Thanks."

"You're no fun," He whined with a pout, slowly making his way over to the other side of their bedroom.

"I am fun," She argued. "I'm just not _as _fun when I'm trying to pack up our stuff." After telling Alex, Lexie, and April about their new house, Alex had made the decision for the group that they would keep Meredith's mom's house for a little while longer, or at least until Meredith was ready for it to be totally out of their hands. It had been a tough decision, but Alex had been with the house for almost as long as she could remember, and it only seemed fair.

"I'm packing too!"

"Sure you are..." She said, but she smiled, amused. He stared at her chest. "You're also getting distracted. Derek. _Pack._"

"We have to be in work in an hour anyway, you know," He mumbled, plopping down on his knees next to a pile of winter clothes and slowly began to fumble with them, folding them painfully slowly. "We could do a lot in an hour."

"Derek, stop it. I'm trying to be productive here. You promised you'd pack with me. Enough flirting and sexy talk, I'm trying to stay on task…"

"But if you just let me~"

"Freaking _pack, _Derek!"

It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was shining and the light dripped into their room through the window, and Seattle was abuzz with vivacious life. Cars sped through the neighborhood and they could hear the distant chatting voices of people as they happily walked by. Kids giggled and played. Adults chatted. Meredith was now seven weeks pregnant, and every time she heard kids giggle or talk, a fluttery feeling settled in her stomach, and she felt… happy. Excited. Nervous.

They had work that evening though, and Derek had promised Meredith they could pack for at least an hour before they left. He was obviously regretting his decision though, and she somehow knew he would. She returned to digging around underneath their bed after flashing him a quick smile, and she let her hand crawl on the scratchy carpet until it felt something to pull out.

She felt something between her fingers and she yanked, and sure enough, the fabric was black: A tiny, lacy pair of black panties. Hers. She blushed and shoved them in the laundry basket, hoping that Derek didn't notice. Too bad he did. He snorted with stifled laughter and Meredith shot a glare at him. "Were those your~"

"Yes."

"How did they get~"

"I'm not the one who throws them all over the place," She snapped back, giggling a bit and winking. He shook his head and chuckled at her, looking back down at the winter jackets he was folding into the box.

"Touché."

She dug around some more, her fingers grasping aimlessly, but couldn't reach anything. She leaned to the side and stretched her arm, flexing her fingers and pressing her shoulder into the bottom of the bed frame. The moment her fingers touched something she yanked, sitting back up straight and coughing. Sure enough, the item in her fingers was a handheld massager. She snorted and looked up at him. "How did this get under the bed? You got it for Christmas from your sister like, two years ago."

"Uh," His voice blended into a shade of red. "It was that time when we tried that~"

"Oh!" She quipped, cutting him off. And then she dumped it into the trashcan.

She and Derek exchanged a subtle glance and then they laughed. It started with a giggle and then erupted into a roaring, thunderous chorus, hers small and airy and bubbly, and his low and deep. They played together like a harmony, though. She smiled at him and he smiled at her and they laughed until they had tears in their eyes. Their laughs filled the empty house. The glow of the sun was broadcasting Meredith's face in the brightness. She glowed.

"You're beautiful," Derek blurted suddenly, and her laughter ceased. She swallowed and looked at him, still panting from the aftermath of their laugh-fest. She crinkled her eyebrows together as if she simply didn't understand that statement and stared at him. "Why are you looking at me like I'm drunk?"

She chuckled and shrugged, looking down at the box and rearranging things for no apparent reason. "Because you might as well be."

Derek frowned and shook his head. "No, you're beautiful. You're really breathtakingly beautiful in a way that I…" He exhaled and relaxed into a comfortable smile at her. Her heart danced in her chest, and she reveled in the feeling in love. "You are."

She could feel herself blushing again and she began to rearrange the items in the box again for no reason at all, just for a distraction. She still had no idea how she'd gotten so lucky. Seven years ago she'd been seeing guys and screwing them. Four years ago he had saved her from drowning. Two years ago he'd proposed. Last year she'd saved his life. And now she was pregnant with his child.

"Speaking of marriage," She said, out of the blue: And she then realized he hadn't been speaking about marriage in the first place. She mentally slapped herself.

"Were we talking about marriage?" He trailed off, eyeing her curiously.

"Not necessarily. But I was in my mind, I mean. But not out loud." She rambled, and she shook her head to clear her thoughts. "Anyways. I was wondering. After your family visits, whenever that happens. In the future. Not now. You know what I mean…Crap." She was rambling again. She took a deep breath and eyed him. "What I'm saying is, we should get our marriage legalized after that, because we're having a baby."

"We're having a baby," He echoed and smiled.

She nodded, "Yeah, we are. Is that a yes then?" She fidgeted with her hands and licked her lips.

"Yeah, of course, Mer. That is a yes," He said, and he grinned. "A definite yes." She was looking at the clock as he said it, though, and the time flashed 7:30.

"Crap!" She muttered, and she scrambled to put the last of the miscellaneous stuff in the box. Derek frowned, confusion scrabbled across his face like a mask.

"Crap…?"

"No, not you, I wasn't… I mean, we have to be in work in half an hour. We have to get ready. And I did all of this research paperwork for Bailey, and I have to bring it to her, and… Crap!" She shuffled to her feet and dragged her hands through her hair tiredly. Derek looked up at her, concerned.

"Can I do anything to help? You're not overworking yourself? Right? Do you need me to carry anything?"

"No- I'm just pregnant, Derek. I just need you to remind me not to forget the paperwork!" She said with an exhausted smile. "She put me in charge of this monster case and I was supposed to have all of this crap in by...well, by yesterday, but I wasn't finished. If I don't get this stuff in to her by 8:30, I'm screwed. Oh, and kicked off of the case." Her voice went low and she frowned, "And Derek, it's a _really _good case."

He nodded, "Okay, I can remind you. I promise you won't forget it. I have the memory of… Well, I don't have a good metaphor for that."

**XXX **_**half an hour later **_**XXX**

They walked into the hospital together, side by side, shuffling and hustling and puffing out their breaths. They were speed-walking, as the clock already read 8:01, swarming through the crowds of people that gathered in the hallway. It was busy, very busy, and people bumped into each other constantly. While passing by a familiar scrub nurse- Derek couldn't pinpoint her name… was it Sarah? Sharon?- he managed to ask her loudly, "Why's it so busy?"

"A ton of traffic," She shouted back over the crowd of talking people. "Lots of cars, huge hold up… Road rage accidents, car accidents, cars speeding… Accidents, lots and lots of accidents," She sighed, and she was caught in the flow of traffic and drifted away, pulled lazily by the current of people. He could hear her shout back, though, "Don't drive, roads are dangerous, Doctor Shepherd!"

Derek shook his head in awe as Meredith pulled him along. It resembled a major trauma accident: The OR board was overflowing, the pit was filled, and the phones were ringing off the hook. Doctors were shouting, and the screech of the gurney wheels were ear piercing in the chaos. "Wow," Meredith's voice floated into his ear. His pager rang nearly continuously, and he tripped over other people's feet as they flooded the hallway to the lobby.

They shoved their way through, and when they finally reached the main lobby of the surgical wing, it was where they were to part. Derek leaned over and kissed Meredith's temple and then her cheek, "Good luck, Mer."

"Thanks, I~" She paused in her sentence and swallowed. A rush of panic flowed to her and she gasped. Reaching down, she patted the shoulder bag she carried- which was supposed to be holding the files- and her hand patted the empty fabric. She groaned and slapped it again, as if it would make it appear. "Crap! CRAP!" She shouted. She swung it around in front of her and swung it open to reveal a once again empty bag. She shoved her hand through her hair. "Oh I'm screwed, I'm so screwed, I'm… Oh, oh…" She moaned. They stood still, but the world moved fast around them, spinning.

Derek frowned and swallowed. "It's my fault. I forgot to remind you, I… I'll drive back home and get it. I'll be fast. I'm a fast driver." Warnings rang in his ear.

_Don't drive, roads are dangerous, Doctor Shepherd. _

She looked up to glare at him, and he couldn't help but to notice the hurt in her gaze. "No, I will. You don't know where they are anyway. I told you… I told you to remind me!" She snapped, her patience bending slowly. She began to turn, her keys in her hand, but he took her forearm.

"No, the roads aren't safe. I'll go, okay?"

"No!" She replied, anger bubbling in her chest. "Will you just freaking let me go for ten minutes? I'm going to fix it." She replied. She swallowed. The words stung her throat. She pulled against his grasp. "Derek! Is this because I'm pregnant? I can drive, you know!"

"No! It's because the roads are dangerous. I can drive, and I can drive faster than you so you'll be able to get it to Bailey in time." He was practically begging now, and his voice was raising steadily in frustration.

She yanked her arm out of his grasp and gritted her teeth. "Save it, Derek. I can do this! And you're telling me that you need to protect me, while all you'll do is drive _faster than me? _I can't believe you! Just let me do this."

"Let me fix this! I'm sorry!" He shouted after her.

"You've done enough!" She replied to him, and she was running before he could say goodbye.

Derek ran his hands through his hair in frustration. His pager was beeping off the hook. The world was spinning. The room was full of people, stuffed together. Breaths meshed together and the smells swirled. It was suddenly hot, suddenly stuffy, and he panted. Brushed the sweat off of his forehead. He felt bad. Horrible. Guilty even. How could he have forgotten something like that? _How could he have forgotten that?_ She was being a bit rude, but he honestly didn't blame her. Her words hurt, but in his mind, he deserved them fully.

He felt like a bad husband.

And he continued to feel like a bad husband, until words of the car crash came blaring into the OR.

_**A/N: … **_

_**Breathe before you panic. **_

_**Thanks for reading, and, I'm sorry about the cliffhanger. **_

_**Reviews brighten my day!**_


	18. Chapter 18

_**A/N: Your reviews were amazing. Thank you so very much. They inspired the fun little twist at the end of the chapter ;) Enjoy, and thanks for reading!**_

If anyone had seen Derek Shepherd cry four months ago, it would have been strange. It would have been concerning. They would have been shocked: Really freaking shocked. They would have horrifically stood and stared at him, watching him, in awe. Derek Shepherd doesn't cry, they'd say. Maybe they'd call Meredith. Or maybe they'd walk away in shock.

But, that was three months ago. That was before Gary Clark.

Now, Derek crying was no new thing. It wasn't surprising. Ever since the shooting, he was like an emotional wreck sometimes. Sure, he had gotten better, but it didn't change the fact that the hospital had basically gotten used to seeing his breakdowns. They had gotten used to his fat salty tears. They had gotten used to seeing his eyes rimmed with red. They had gotten used to everything he simply didn't want to be.

So when he stood in the ER, staring pleadingly at the doors, his eyes watery, no one stared. People whispered, but no one stood and stared in sheer shock. He forced himself to keep his breathing under control, but they came out in pants instead. And his eyes stung as he physically disallowed himself to break down. He wouldn't do it. Not there. Not then.

"_Derek, it's Meredith." _Miranda Bailey had said after lightly tugging his arm. She stopped him in the middle of the ER, and he still stood there, staring at the doors, watching and waiting. _It's Meredith. _It wasn't just another car crash victim. It was Meredith. His wife. The person he had yelled at less than fifteen minutes ago.

Oh god, this was his fault.

He stood there, his eyes locked. His lips trembled. _Please come through the door. _He whispered to himself. Pleaded. His voice was dry and it cracked underneath his breath, but he swallowed and repeated. Swallowed and repeated. Swallowed and repeated.

Someone touched his hand lightly, with large fingertips. A low growl rumbled from beside him, "Derek, I just heard." Derek looked down at the ground, looking anywhere but beside him to Mark. His large hand rested on Derek's shoulder, supportively as he continued. "Derek."

"She was just…" He began, but he stopped because the words hurt his throat like a knife. He choked. Sputtered on his breath. He shook his head in slow, sad bobs of disbelief and murmured, "Mark, I…She…"

"I know," Mark said, placing his palm more firmly on his shoulder. "I know. You don't have to talk." Derek stared and bit his lip, unblinking. "She'll be okay."

"She's pregnant, Mark," Derek said, finally lifting his head slowly to meet his friend's eyes. They watered profusely. _Do not cry, Derek Shepherd. _He sucked in his breath and rocked on his knees.

"I know, but chances are she~"

A voice interrupted Mark's low, sorrowful comfort. "Ma'am, you need to be on a stretcher."

"Ma'am, sit down!"

And Derek looked up, his eyes wide with disbelief. There was Meredith. She stood- _stood-_ in the doorway of the ER, her hands frail and frozen in the gesture as if she was reaching out for something, but just couldn't reach it. Her mouth was parted half open in shock, and the blood that matted her shirt and her bangs made his stomach churn in pain. Her eyes were wide, like a deer caught in headlights, and she stood there, shaking and weak, the tears streaming down her face. It took less than five seconds for Derek to fly to her side, grabbing her underneath the arms and holding her shaking body. The tears came faster than he could stop them. "Meredith? Meredith!" He said, his words sickening and frantic.

The paramedics followed behind him with a mangled, empty stretcher, frantic and shouting, "Ma'am! Lay back down! You need to lay down."

But the small woman in Derek's arms just cried numbly and dug her fingertips deeper into his muscular forearms. He ignored the dull pain of her nails clawing against his skin and he held her, gripping her as he tried to move towards the gurney. Her breaths were shallow and her words trembled as she panted, "T-The baby, we have to ch-check, the b-baby." She repeated the same phrase over and over as Derek's brain worked on overload to make sense of everything. _Symptoms of shock: Clammy skin, confusion, distant attitude, weakness, rapid breathing. _Check, check, check. Her eyes were distant and it was beginning to really make him feel sick.

He pushed her back towards the stretcher gently and carefully, "Meredith, you need to lay down." He said weakly. His knees were shaking and his stomach churned. She forced against him, her own small cries fighting her shallow breathing.

"The b-baby~" She babbled between sobs. Her shaking, frail fingers were knotted together on her still-flat stomach in which she held their unborn child.

"I know, lay down so they can check you out, Meredith, please. Listen to me!" He said, trying his very hardest to make his voice gain some of the forcefulness it usually had. But it wasn't as forceful as it was desperate, and he continued to plead. "Please, please." And before he could protest, he bent down, his knees creaking uncomfortably, and he placed his hands under the crook of her knee and on the middle of her small back. His muscles burned slightly as he exerted them, and he pushed upwards, scooping her delicate little flowery form into his strong arms. And, much to his surprise, she didn't protest. She leaned into him, buried her crying face in his chest, and gripped and twisted his blue shirt. His heart pounded and seared with fear and worry as he carried her almost weightless form in his folded arms, to the gurney, where he lay her down. She didn't let go of his blue shirt between her tiny fists, so gently, with microscopic movements, he undid her clasped fist and she let go, still crying, still shaking…

…but she was on the gurney.

Which was when they started pushing her quickly and frantically towards the nearest trauma room, and Derek ran beside them, listening with throbbing ears as they rattled off the information. He heard them recite her name like a textbook, and them babble her other general information: And then they got to the details on the accident, and the rock in Derek's heart fell with a thud to his stomach.

"Was the victim of someone who ran a red light…"

"…some bleeding on the forehead and leg, symptoms of shock, but otherwise I…"

"…car wasn't totaled but severe damage to the front bumper and drivers side…"

_Driver's side. Where Meredith was sitting. _

By the time they got into the trauma room, Bailey and Alex were already there, reading charts and shooing the paramedics away less-than-gracefully. And Derek stood loyally by her side, holding her left hand as she gripped it weakly. She was still shaking, but her crying had softened to only a few stray tears traveling down her cheeks. She was biting her lip and staring at the ceiling, looking more in touch with reality- but the fear that flickered in her eyes made Derek's heart thud with uncomfortable sadness.

By the time Bailey and Alex finished the initial exam, it was not even half as bad as they thought. The gash on her forehead was causing her pain and would require stitches, and her ankle was only cut a few times, along with a minor sprain. She showed no signs of internal injuries, and she was fully alert now, without any signs of a concussion. Throughout the extent of the exam, though, she had been silent: The tears spoke for her. And, along with that, every time Derek tried to talk, Bailey shushed him, kept him quite so she could focus on her injuries.

But now Bailey had gone to fetch an ultrasound machine, and Alex had run to deliver Meredith's blood work to the lab, so it left Meredith and Derek alone in the heavy silence. With her foot elevated and piece of gauze temporarily stopping the bleeding while Mark was on his way to stitch her up, Meredith lay with one of her hands on her belly, her breath slow and shaky. Tears matted her lower lashes and by this time she had been biting her lip so hard that it bled.

And Derek sat beside her, in the uncomfortable blue chair he had pulled up as close as possible to her bedside, her hand wrapped around his thick palm. He sat and he watched her, slowly and silently. Until she spoke. "I'm sorry," She whispered, and a tear slid down her cheek and hit the pillow below her with a soft, silent splash.

He frowned, his own red-rimmed eyes glimmering, and he used his thumb to stroke the top of her hand. "Don't apologize. This wasn't your fault, none of this is your fault, okay?" He shook his head and crinkled his eyebrows in concern.

She licked her lips and blinked, staring upwards, and she shook her head with the most subtle movement, "I was stubborn, freaking stubborn "If I would have just let you drive…"

"I would have gotten hit too," He finished for her. He sighed and stroked her hand gently and carefully, but whispered, "Meredith look at me. Please." And she did, slowly, cautiously. Her eyes were glistening and filled to the brim, and her lip trembled. He reached up and gently trailed his fingertips slowly down her uninjured side of her forehead, slowly making his way to cup her chin in his free hand. She sniffled, and her face curled up into a pout: The kind of contorted expression that happened when she was trying not to cry. The kind of expression that made his heart sting. Her chin wobbled. "This was _not _your fault. **None** of this was your fault. You have to believe me, because I know what it's like to beat yourself up about things you had no control over, and it feels like crap. And it doesn't stop making you feel like crap, unless _you _stop it. You have to believe me, okay?"

Her lip trembled a moment more, but she couldn't take it. The worry and the guilt was building up in her and it spilled over before she could stop it, and she cried again. The tears fell down her face and her breaths were shallow and ragged as she panted, and Derek framed her face in his big hands and leaned in to kiss her cheek, only before he tenderly pressed his forehead to the uninjured side of hers. "I know it hurts," He whispered. His heart was racing. His stomach churned.

"I'm just… I'm…" She sputtered, but she used her own hand to furiously swipe away the tears. "I'm so scared, the baby…"

"I know," He whispered. _What is taking that freaking ultrasound so long? _"I'm scared too," He said softly, and he kissed her on the lips softly and carefully. "I wish I could take all of your fear and make it mine."

Meredith laughed sardonically, "No, you don't…"

But Derek was serious, as serious as he could be. "Yes, I do. If I could only just take all of your pain and all of your fear… if I could just take it away, I would. I would take it all as my own. I hope you know that, Meredith." And their eyes met. Her gaze softened and she nodded at him with appreciation. Her eyes sparkled with the remainders of tears and she bit her lip with a breathless thank you.

The door burst open suddenly, sending a shockwave through the room as Bailey was back with the rolling ultrasound machine. "Sorry that took so long," She muttered. "Stupid interns blocking the hallways. Anyway, Meredith, if you could just lift up your gown we can do this thing."

She nodded and wiped her eyes with a shuddering sigh as she lifted the gown to expose her stomach slowly. Derek was beside her, using one hand to hold hers and the other to lightly finger her hairline. His insides swarmed with nerves and worry, but he held himself together somehow, someway. He had no idea how, though…

By the time Miranda was looking for a heartbeat, Meredith was squeezing Derek's hand so tight that his palm was a shade of white. Whether she was injured or not, she sure had some strength in her otherwise tiny, ineffectual fists. She held onto him and he held onto her: They were each other's rocks in the storm. After about a minute in, Meredith began to get nervous- even more nervous than she already was, and the tears formed again. Derek's heart was pounding like a hammer, and he could feel himself shake with the tension involved in trying to just hold himself together. The feeling was all too familiar…

Worry engulfed him. It practically ate him alive. It made him dizzy. The room was smaller. The air was thinner. Everything was out of his reach. His throat tightened. His legs shook. There wasn't enough oxygen.

Except they heard the heartbeat, and the room returned to normal. Derek exhaled, and Meredith cried again. She cried out of relief though, of happiness.

But Derek was suffocating.

"Derek?" Meredith echoed. She wiped her eyes and stared at him in confusion. "Are you okay?"

But her figure was blurry and multiplying in front of his eyes, because he couldn't seem to get ahold of enough oxygen to actually be able to breathe. "I just... I need a minute, okay? I…" And he stood up with a start. Things around him clattered- he didn't know what- but the clanging sound of things erupted and he fled from the room until he was safely in the hall, pressing his back against the wall, his lungs puffing with needed air as his chest heaved. He panted, clawed for air, and the pent-up cries he held in him erupted all at once as he began to break down in the hallway.

His face was in his hands as he cried, and the tears rolled down his face as they were pressed to his hands. He coughed and sputtered, and his chest shuddered in small spasms as he begged for air. He pawed at the collar of his shirt, and ignored the stares from surrounding doctors and nurses and other medical personal. He looked down at the floor, and then up at the ceiling as the tears fell down his face with gravity. He had been so scared- **so scared- **and he didn't know what to do with himself now. He didn't know what to do with all of his pent-up fear. So he let it out, finally, like he needed to.

"Shepherd, Mark has finally showed up and~" Bailey blurted as she exited the room, but she stopped short in her sentence when he saw his current state. She blinked at him as he looked up, furiously wiping at his eyes and sniffling. He cleared his throat and returned to an upright position. "Your wife…" Bailey began slowly. "Is about to get her forehead sewed up. Get your butt back in there, now, Shepherd." Derek coughed and nodded, a pang of guilt echoing in his chest when he realized that he had just left her, but Bailey stopped him right before he entered.

"You okay?" She asked cautiously. Derek swallowed thickly.

"Fine," He responded shortly before entering back into the room and shutting the door harshly behind him, leaving Bailey behind. Mark was already getting things ready to stitch up Meredith, and as soon as he entered, Meredith met his eyes, flooded with concern. She looked at him, wide-eyed and worried, and he worked his way over to sit back next to her.

"Are you…."

"I'm fine," He said, but his eyes gave everything away. After all, his eyes were the most expressive part of him. Meredith could read him like a book, using his eyes like the pages. She continued to look at him cautiously.

"Were you crying?" She asked softly, reaching over to lightly touch his palm. Derek eyed her momentarily and considered his options. He could pretend everything was fine. Or he could admit it. He sucked in his breath and nodded, but as soon as Mark turned around, he gave her the universal _later _look. They could discuss this later, not in front of Mark.

"Okay, Meredith," Mark said, holding the items he needed to stitch up her forehead in his hand. "I've already numbed your forehead, can you tilt your head back?" She nodded and did as she was asked, sighing and folding her hands in her lap. Derek, after having calmed himself down, was breathing normally again and watching her anxiously.

"Did you numb her enough?" He asked. Mark looked up at him in disbelief.

"Derek… Seriously?" Meredith rolled her eyes and played with her fingers. "It's not like I'm going to do a crap job, I'm the best and you know it."

"Yeah, well, she's _my _wife," Derek retorted, fast as lightning, and Meredith smiled approvingly at him. He smiled back.

"Whatever. Grey, this will just be a little pinch," He murmured generically. "But you have to hold still." She nodded and let her eyes drift shut and he began to work on her, and she winced, sucking in her breath through her teeth. She shifted in her seat, and Derek reached over to take her hand.

"Squeeze as hard as you want," He whispered to her, leaning in to kiss her temple carefully, and he could hear Mark snort from above him.

"That's what she said." Meredith shot him an less-than-amused glare as well as Derek, but Mark was too busy laughing at his own joke to notice.

"Keep your fingers still, don't freaking mess anything up," Meredith groaned. Mark chuckled again and continued delicately, shifting the light above them occasionally to fit his continuous needs. Meredith winced and hissed, but she kept her fingers tangled in Derek's tightly, tighter as the pressure continued. She shifted and flexed her legs in pain as she carefully breathed in and outwards, watching her own chest heave.

Somewhere around the five minute mark, there was a knock on the door, and Mark hollered the okay for the person to enter. It was a nurse, short and holding a clipboard in her small hands. Her ponytail swept along behind her as she bobbed on her calves, and chirped, "Dr. Shepherd, there's someone here to see you!"

Derek stiffened. "Do they have an appointment?"

The nurse frowned and glanced down at her chart. "Well, no, but…" She looked, confused up at him. "Um…"

Meredith sighed and asked the nurse gently, "Are you new?"

"Uh, yeah, I mean I was hired a month ago, but…"

"Oh. Okay. Dr. Shepherd will be out in a minute, okay? Front lobby?" The nurse nodded and she bounded off, clearly relieved to escape the tension of the room. Mark scoffed but continued working silently and precisely as Meredith glanced over at Derek knowingly.

The nurse clearly didn't know what the rest of the nurses knew. Anyone wanting to see Derek _had _to have an appointment. A signed, printed out appointment slip, a place on the calender: Whatever it may be. Ever since the incident, anytime a stranger came into the hospital looking for Derek without an appointment rattled his nerves, and he was just flooded with memories. Yes, the nurse was definitely new…

"Derek?" Meredith said softly. She knew how to handle this- She had many times before, and it had become some sort of routine. His breathing had quickened a little bit, but she kept her voice even and clear, "Derek, will you please go see who's here for you?" He just looked at her. "Derek, it's not Mr. Clark. Will you _please _go see who's here for you?" She repeated. She spoke clearly and evenly, keeping her voice level and calm, just like Dr. Wyatt had instructed her to. _Make sure you speak calmly, but not in a degrading way, or he may take that as a misconception that you're judging him. _When Derek was first diagnosed with PTSD, Meredith had gone to sessions just to learn how to take care of him, and she wasn't surprised that months later, she was still having to use her techniques. He was breathing normally. She winced as she felt Mark poke through her skin vaguely again. "You can do it."

"Okay," He exhaled, and let his eyes shut momentarily. He breathed in twice, and out twice, until he was totally collected. He opened his eyes and looked at her, his line of vision gentle and caring. "Are you okay here for a minute?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I'm in good hands… I guess." Mark snorted and rolled his eyes.

"But are you sure? Because… I can stay, if you want. I can. If you need me too."

Something Meredith had noticed was how much more protective Derek was now that she was carrying around his tiny human. He had _always _been protective of her, of course, since their relationship started… But suddenly he was all over her, and not in a sexual sense. "Yes, I promise." She chuckled, and she gave him a small smile. "See?"

"Okay. I'll be _right _back, okay?" Derek promised. He bent to kiss her cheek and then he stood and left the room silently, a little bit of worry for Meredith still perched in the back of his brain.

It was then when he entered the lobby, the shock he had finally gotten rid of returned. There was a woman, older, with shining silver hair, and four younger women sitting behind her, staring directly at him. "Derek…" Her voice was older and sounded as if it was dipped in honey, and he froze.

"Mom?"

_**A/N: Thoughts? ;)**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**A/N: Okay, I'm going to put it flat out on the table: This chapter did not turn out in any way how I wanted it to. My planning for it had it much longer, much more in detail, and much more eventful. But, my schedule was suddenly insanely busy and it totally took control of everything, and… You know how it goes. I'm really sorry to offer you this pathetic excuse for a chapter, I really am. Tomorrow I'm off on a trip for a week as well, BUT, the good news with that is that I will be writing a lot while I'm gone, making for a long, juicy chapter as soon as I come back. That's a promise! Thank you all SO MUCH for sticking with this fic, and the reviews brighten my day so much. **_

_It felt like his whole body was caving in on him, like he didn't even have control over his own feelings anymore. Gary Clark had taken over his life, and laying in the hospital with the fever of 103.6 was more than a proven point. It had only been four days since he was shot, but with each day seemingly came more pain, the endless kind of pain the flowed from an intangible, untapped source. He shook and shivered as his skin crawled with heated pain that fell over him like fire. The blankets were used as scarcely as possible and weren't meant to feel warm on his skin, they simply felt like a thin barrier protecting him from virtually nothing, just a simple thin layer of fabric draped over his waist to at least keep a bit of his body private. _

_Meredith had gone home to pick up some of his things or something along those lines- He couldn't remember where she went. Everything she had said 10 minutes before didn't seem to compute in his brain anymore. It was as if his memory only had time to keep track of the current time- the now- instead of actually keeping track of what was important to remember. _

_It took him a moment to process the feeling as a cool compress was draped across his pale forehead. The cold shock sent a tingling relief through his head and down his neck, and he inhaled sharply at the feeling. Above him, his mom stood loyally, and his eyes widened the slightest bit as he realized she was there, took in the sight of her. "Mom?" He whispered, and his voice was cracked and dry with sickness. His throat burned, and he winced._

_"Derek..." She replied, as if she just needed to say his name to confirm that he was okay. He felt her hand on his forehead, and even through his dizzy, blurred vision, he could see the tears in her eyes. "Oh God, Derek Christopher Shepherd, you had me so scared."  
He tried to say something but the words caught in his throat, so he liked his papery dry lips and shut his eyes. He craned his neck away from her, against the hold of her hand, and it fell away from his face as she looked at him in sheer confusion. The fiery heat of his fever raged him as his heart pounded ferociously inside of him, seemingly too big for his chest itself. His toes curled as his legs felt raw and shaken, and the bullet wound in his chest was piercing into him, throbbing with a heavy, sharp pain. "Derek?" His mother said, her voice thick with confusion as to why her son would look away from her as she tried to make him feel better._

_His voice was thin and dry: "I don't want you to see me like this," He whispered, admitting softly. Heat rose to his face and his lip quivered. The pain overwhelmed him, pulling it under it's waves, and the stone in the pit of his stomach was suddenly a boulder.  
"Derek..." His mom sighed softly, and she reached over to touch his hair. "Derek, I took care of you when you had a pneumonia in sixth grade, and I was there for you when you got in that motorcycle accident in college. I'm your mother. You're hurt, and I'm here to help, and you can't get rid of me that easily." His lip curled downward and he swallowed. His head pounded and his legs shivered and trembled in the waves of heat that attacked his body. "How bad is the pain?"_

_"It hurts." He croaked softly.  
_

_"1-10?" She asked gently, softly patting the cool compress more firmly on his head. He swallowed thickly. The pain rained on him continuously. _

"_Eight," He admitted in a breathy whisper through an exhale of air. He shifted in the bed and groaned. "Or maybe a nine."_

_Carolyn sighed and nodded. "I can go fetch a nurse, if you want~" _

"_N-No! I mean…" He blurted before he could stop himself. The intensity of the words made his ribcage throb at the exertion. "You can stay," He whispered. No, the real meaning of those words were more along the lines of: No, don't go, because every second I'm alone I'm convinced Gary Clark is going to walk into this room and kill me on the spot. I need someone here. _

_Carolyn's eyebrows knitted together in concern and confusion at his outburst but she swallowed, nodded, and her silver hair shone against the dim lights of his room in the ICU. She carefully reached to her side to pull the uncomfortable pastel chair over, closer to his bedside just as Meredith had done many times before. She eased it as close as possible next to him and she plopped down, the chair creaking underneath her weight. She folded her hands in her lap and looked at him- Just looked at him. Looked at his son, looked at what he'd become. _

_A searing pain shot through his chest like a dart and he winced largely, taking a sharp inhale and coughed out something between a groan and a sob. "It hurts…" He moaned. If he had kept any protective guard up before, he let it down now, and he was back to being his raw form. He could feel his mom reach out and take his hand, gripping it firmly in hers. Her grip was strong, always, no matter how old she was. _

"_I know, Derek," She soothed him from the side, holding onto his hand. By the time he forced his eyes open he could see that her eyes were fixated on the bandage over the scar itself. She didn't even blinked, just focused on it, watching, absorbing it's meaning. He couldn't bare to look down- it made it all too real. _

_Another shooting pain attacked him and he moaned out, shifting in the bed, and he used his free arm to reach out and grip the side of the bed. He dug his nails in as the fiery wave overwhelmed it, left him hanging on the edge of a heated cliff, all while pain pierced him ruthlessly and repeatedly. It shot down to the core of him, and his heart thumped inside his chest wildly, trying to keep up with the amount of adrenaline that was coursing through his veins. "Oh, God, make it…" Derek moaned out, and his breath chuffed from his lungs in uneven, painful rasps. "…stop." Much to his reluctance, the tears came soon after, and they fell down his face. The pressure on his chest was overwhelming. _

_Although he was too dizzy to actually hear his mom's full words, he could hear her under her breath, "How could someone do this to my child?"_

She threw her arms around him before he had a moment to react, and he gasped in the strangled arms of her hug. "You're…here?" He said as he finally wrapped his arms around his mother's back, and she could feel him nod into his shoulder.

"Of course we are! You wouldn't return our calls, so we're here. All five of us," She exclaimed as she pulled away. And when she did, sure enough, Derek's eyes were opened to four lovely ladies, each displaying a different facial expression. The first one to hug him was Amelia, which wasn't as awkward as it could been, given that they had thankfully straightened out their problems the last time she had visited.

"Good to see you, Der," She said, her face muffled into his chest. He felt himself smile, despite the shock that he still held from the fact that they were all there.

"Hi, Amy."

Kathleen, the tall, slender woman in the black business-woman-esque outfit was next, and she took slow, careful strides towards him. She was the oldest of all of the siblings, and it was displayed on her face as she pulled her short brother into her long, thin arms. "Derek, I'm so glad you're okay. Oh, thank God, thank God," She repeated, reiterating, and she just repeated the same thing a few times as she held him, frozen in the embrace.

He shut his eyes and hugged her back, "I missed you, Kathy."

She pulled him back away from her and held him by the shoulders, firmly. Looking into his eyes with a serious expression, she asked, "How are you _doing?" _Her tone was serious and concerned, and Derek couldn't help but to roll his eyes.

"Ugh, you are _such _a psychiatrist." Derek said, and she chuckled and swatted his shoulder, but a smile broke through her once serious expression.

Nancy interrupted their chatter and tapped Derek on the shoulder. "How's my favorite brother?"

"I'm your _only _brother," Derek scowled, but much to his surprise, Nancy had pulled him into a quick, stiff hug. She laughed dryly and took a step away from him.

"Exactly."

And then there was Jennifer. The one sister Derek never talked about. She stood at his height, only one year younger than him. Her eyes were made of the same icy blue his were and they glimmered with tears that filled up to her lids. Her hair was a dark brown, somewhat lighter than his, and the soft curls fell just past her shoulders. Her bangs had grown out to the side since the last time he'd seen her, and her face was soft, without being fat, and he could visibly see her legs shaking. They hadn't seen each other in more than ten years, and Derek couldn't seem to believe how much she'd grown. "Derek?" She squeaked. Her voice was high and trembling, and she held her green jacket between folded up arms.

"Jenny," He responded, and for the first time out of his sisters, he pulled her into his embrace, folding her tiny form in his. "Oh, Jenny." He could hear her sniffling into his shoulder.

"I missed you, Derek, I really missed you," She said, and he could hear her small voice become thick with tears and emotion. "And now you're shot, oh god, Derek… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

It had all started when Jennifer's new husband at the time, Curtis, had developed an aggressive form of brain cancer. Jennifer was an oncologist, so she felt as if she needed to save him, as if it was her duty… And therefore, since Derek was a brain surgeon, she assumed it was his job as well. But, Derek couldn't operate on him because of the ethics that surrounded family member operating on family member. When he died, Jennifer fell apart, and so did their relationship.

"_Really, I'm sorry about Curtis, I really am," He said, babbling at her doorstep like a fool. He shifted on his weight. The night air was freezing and still. "I wish I could have done more to help."_

_She was silent for a moment, but the girl with the tearstained cheeks looked up and met her brothers icy gaze. "Sorry?" She snapped, her words sending an icy dart down his spine. "Sorry? You don't get to be sorry, Derek!" She shouted. The storm above rumbled angrily, and lightning flashed in the sky. _

"_Jenny~"_

"_No! Will you just freaking shut up? Now you want to talk? NOW, after he's gone? Maybe if you talked to me before he would still be alive. Maybe if you actually cared he'd still be here!"_

"_Jenny, you know that's not~"_

"_I don't give a crap! Get out of my house, Derek! Now!" She yelled. The tears rolled full force now, and they didn't stop. They kept on like a continuous waterfall, and they mixed with the rain. He backed up defensively and swallowed. "Get OUT!"_

And now, 10 years later, there they were, locked in an embrace. Forgiveness surrounded them heavily, and both of them knew it. "I forgive you," Derek said into her hair, and he gave her a final squeeze before pulling from the hug. She tucked a loose strand of brown hair behind her ear and sighed.

"Now, Derek," Carolyn spoke steadily from behind him, and he spun to face all of his sisters at once. "Why are you here? I thought that…" She looked at her watch. "…weren't you supposed to be off this morning? When I talked to Mark, that's what he told me."

"No." Derek said carefully. "I had to pick up an extra shift. I've had to… take time off lately…" He mumbled, regarding his sisters carefully as he scanned them. Shifting his weight, he ran his hands through his hair, hoping to avoid any questioning from Kathleen.

"Oh. Okay," Was all Carolyn said with a nod.

"Where's…Meredith?" Jennifer piped up. Her words were bright once again, and she smiled widely when she asked. "That's her name, right?"

Derek swallowed. "Yeah." _By the way, she's pregnant. _The only person he had told was his mom. His sisters eyed him, silently urging him to continue- Well, everyone except Nancy, who simply scowled coldly in his direction. "She's… in an exam room."

"Really? Why?" Kathleen was suddenly intrigued. Derek swallowed again and shifted his weight between his two feet. Silence stung the air and hung around them in an uncomfortable cloud.

"She was in a car crash," He mumbled uneasily. His words were thick and he tangled his hands together uneasily in front of him as he watched the group of women explode.

"WHAT?"

"She did what?"

"Oh my God, is she okay?"

"Oh."

Derek narrowed his eyes at Nancy and then looked back at his other concerned sisters. "She's okay, yes. They're just keeping her there to check on the bab~" But he stopped himself short, cutting off his sentence sharply. And everyone stared, wide eyed, frozen in wonder and confusion, as if they were making sure they heard him right. "Everyone…" He trailed off slowly, fighting for words, trying to find the right way to word what he was trying to say. "Meredith is pregnant."

_**A/N: See what I mean? I am not happy with how it turned out, but I really hope that it sufficed a little bit before I leave. Reviews make my day better, but thank you all just for reading. I will be back with a long, juicy chapter, **__**with a twist, **__**and I hope it makes up for this little thing.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	20. Chapter 20

**~PART ONE~**

"What?"  
"No way."  
"Congratulations!"  
"Oh my god!"  
The responses fell from his family members mouth like a waterfall, dumping out quicker than he could keep track of. The only one who hadn't muttered a word had been Nancy, and he couldn't say he had been particularly surprised.

Jennifer, who had squealed the 'oh my god', smiled widely and continued, "God, Der, that's amazing! Good for you!"

And Carolyn engulfed her son in another hug- She had been the one to say congratulations, of course- and he hugged back, nestling his head into her neck. "Thanks, Mom."  
Kathleen was smiling softly, but being her calm and quiet self, she just purred, "That's great, Derek. Where is she?"  
Derek cleared his throat. "Um... That's the thing. Meredith got in a little...accident." His moms mouth fell open, dropping like a weight, and he struggled to recover. "Uh- but she's fine! She's fine! She's just sitting in the exam room right now. She's fine." He repeated, and he could see his moms shoulders visibly relax.  
Amelia piped up quietly, "I'm glad she's okay." Derek smiled and nodded at her, but something nipped at the back of his mind. Nancy hadn't muttered a single word throughout the whole ordeal, so he turned to her, and his gaze hardened at her emotionless expression.  
"What?" She scoffed. Carolyn sent them both a silent warning glance.  
"Do you have something to say?" He muttered flatly. He didn't like the way she was acting towards the whole situation.  
"Congratulations, Derek. Is that what you want to hear? Well, there you go." She mumbled. Dragging a hand through her hair, she shifted her black purse between her palms and let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm going to get something from the cafeteria. Call me when you are all ready to go." And with a shot in Derek's direction she spun on her heels, and they clicked fiercely as she walked away.  
Derek took a large intake of air and let out a sigh in Nancy's direction. He felt a warm palm on his shoulder- the palm of his mother- and she frowned. "I know it's frustrating. You know Nancy- you know how she is."  
Derek shook his head in disapproval and nodded towards his other family members. "Meredith had to be discharged. Do you all want to come see her? Or, you can go to the cafeteria with little miss pain in the-"  
Carolyn cut him off with a warning glance. "We'll come see Meredith, of course. Right, girls?" And there was a unanimous group of nods to follow. Derek smiled at them and their support. Even with Nancy, he did love his family. He had missed them.  
He waved for them to follow behind his tracks, and soon he was leader of four women, each acting with a totally different personality. Kathleen was checking her blackberry as she walked- a talent that Derek had never understood- while Amelia was chatting Carolyn's ear off. Being the baby of the family, this wasn't a surprise in the least. Jennifer, though, made her way up to Derek's side as he lead the caravan of women.  
"I'm sorry about Nancy," She blurted. Surprised, Derek looked into her bright blue eyes and shook his head.  
"Jenny, you don't have to apologize for our sister's actions. I know what she's like." He sighed and took a turn down the corridor. "I wish I could say that I was surprised, but I'm not."  
Jennifer looked down and shrugged. "I know. It's just- The way she treats you sucks. Mom hates it. And so do I."  
Derek smiled down at her and gave her a quick pat on the back, "Thanks. But, I'm a big boy, I fight my own battles. You don't need to worry about that." Jennifer smiled softly and nodded, looking less than impressed or believing of his sentence. They arrived at Meredith's room before she could reply with a comeback, thankfully, and Derek was glad.  
Much to Derek's appreciation, his family agreed to waiting outside the room for a moment so he could at least warn Meredith of the current situation. When he entered the room, she let out a sigh of relief and moaned, "Thank god you're back. I'm seriously craving Chinese food. And I never crave freaking Chinese food. This baby... Ugh. But I am, and Bailey said that I could eat some. So maybe we could go out. Or take out. I don't care, I just really need some freaking Chinese food." She finished with a frustrated sigh. "What?" She said flatly as she realized that he was staring at her nervously. "Derek Shepherd, what is it? I know that face..."  
"My family's here." He blurted faster than he could keep the words in his mouth. Instantly, Meredith's jaw dropped, and her eyes widened, unblinking. "They're all here. Actually they're staying at our house, too." He laughed dryly, "I didn't even know they were coming, and they're here." She didn't say anything, just stared. "Funny, huh?" He said weakly. His voice was small. He swallowed and shifted his weight between his feet nervously.  
"Funny? You think this is FUNNY?" She said, exploding the silence like a bomb. Her angry tone was suddenly slanting into a nervous ramble. "Oh god, I look like crap. Crap. Oh my god..." She slid off of the table in her hospital gown and yanked open the drawers on the supply closet counter until she found a mirror, the handheld kind that was used to show burn victims their faces, and she immediately began fingering her bangs and wiping the smeared mascara under her eyes. "Crap. Crap." She mumbled endlessly as she slowly began to panic. "I look awful. I look gross. The second they see me I'll just look like this gross, greasy rat. Compared to you, who's like a walking... McDreamy! And then there's me, ratty little Meredith who...oh god, oh god!"  
Derek cut her off though, by taking her small face in between his large hands. She looked up into his eyes and blinked, but all he could do was smile down at her. "Meredith, you are beautiful. They already love you, and so do I." He bent to kiss her softly and she sighed quietly as he backed away to open the door. "You can do this," He said. She swallowed thickly and pursed her lips, silently praying that they weren't all Nancy clones.  
When the door opened, though, there was no sign of Nancy- just four women, eager or anxious looking, peering inside of the small exam room until they rushed in, pouring like a waterfall. It was barely a moment before Carolyn's arms swallowed her, and she sank into the hug in shock. "Are you okay? I know you don't like hugs, but I don't care right now." The woman rambled. Meredith was only partially surprised that there wasn't any awkwardness between them- Well, at least that she could tell.  
"I'm good," Meredith exhaled, patting her on the back with a small laugh. She lifted her gaze to quickly take inventory on the rest of the women as subtle as she could. The tallest one in the highest heels was looking serious and concerned, and Meredith could tell that she was the oldest. Next to her was Amelia, who Meredith had previously met, and the tiny woman on the end had a cautious smile plastered on her bright face.

The more serious looking one approached Meredith first, careful and concise with her wording. Her voice was deep and smooth, weathered with age and wisdom, it seemed. "Hello, Meredith. I'm Kathleen. It's nice to finally meet you." Much to Meredith's surprise, she reached out to shake her large, firm hand.

"Hi," Meredith blurted, but she cleared her throat and tried to backtrack and edit her introduction. "I mean… Hello, Kathleen. I've heard, so much about you… I'm Meredith." She laughed nervously, glancing at Derek. "Well you know I'm Meredith, obviously. I mean… Yeah." She could practically feel her face blossoming into a shade of red, and she pulled her hand back to cover a fake cough.

Kathleen nodded at her and chuckled in a low, surprised roll. "Yeah. You're really as beautiful as Derek described. How are you feeling?"

"Oh, God, really? I mean, thanks, I… You know…" She sighed and smiled at Kathleen gratefully. "Thank you. And, I'm feeling good, thanks. Just a silly fender bender…"

"I know we've never met before, but I feel like I know you already. Derek talks about you all the time." Kathleen said with a small smile.

Meredith grinned and nodded awkwardly, "Yeah, I've heard him talk about you a few times, too…"

_He pressed her against the wall of the foyer and he slid his hands up her sides, kissing her and sucking on her smooth, glossy lips. "I had a great time tonight," He breathed to her, his hands exploring the adventure of her body. She ran her hands down his jawline tenderly and smiled up at him. "Me too. We don't get out enough," She whispered, managing it before he was back to kissing her.  
She yanked the back of his blue button down out of it's tucked in placement near his pants and she tucked her hands underneath, tracing the prominent muscles of his back. There wasn't a need for words, really- the kissing and the looks in their eyes said enough.  
They fumbled messily into the living room until he, smiling, fell onto the couch. With his hands on her waist he pulled her down gently on top of him, and she giggled and smiled. "You're beautiful," He said, and his eyes sparkled.  
She smiled widely and pressed her palms against his chest so that she sat up, straddling his waist between her legs of her black dress. He smile up at her curiously, and despite the cheesiness of it all, she winked at him. With shaking fingers she fumbled with the buttons on his shirt beneath her, releasing them from their circular holders. She unbuttoned all the way down his shirt, his hands comfortably on her thighs, and she pulled it apart, ripping, biting her lip with a sudden neediness. He smiled, pleased.  
Meredith bent, not caring that her chest practically hung out of dress, and pressed her lips against the nape of his neck, sucking lightly on the smooth curve of his neck. She placed her palms on his shoulders and moved lower, tracing her lips down the smooth skin of his chest. She pulled her nails down the sides of his muscular arms and she could hear him bite back a moan. She smiled and puffed out hot breaths onto his chest, and as she moved lower, she dragged her hands further as well. With the friction of her hands sliding down his skin along with her warm lips pecking and pulling at his body he shifted and moaned, and it hummed in the air. And when she had reached his waist she let his breath tickle him for a minute before she rose back up an looked at him, her hair falling golden over her shoulder. Her smile twinkled and she leaned down again to kiss him fully on the lips. _

_Suddenly, the phone rang from somewhere deep in his pocket, and Meredith groaned loudly. Pushing her bangs out of her face she climbed off of him, she watched him answer it, clear his throat and say, "Oh, hey, Kathleen. Hang on." He slid off of the couch and looked apologetically at Meredith. "Sorry, I'll be right back." _

Oh yes, she knew Kathleen.

The woman who must have been Jennifer pushed forward, smiling widely with white-chiclet teeth and nodding her head, "Hi! Meredith, it's so great to finally meet you. Derek was just lit up when he talked about you." The stranger pulled a surprise Meredith into a small hug in her tiny arms. "I'm Jennifer, by the way. Congratulations on the baby!" With that, she backed up immediately with a small giggle. "Crap, I don't want to squish it."

Meredith couldn't help but to laugh a bit herself, "I don't think you'll~"

"Oh I know. I'm in pediatrics," She said, grinning. "And you're all good? After the accident?"

"Don't pester her!" Carolyn warned from the side. "You don't want to scare the poor thing away!"

Meredith shifted uneasily on her feet, looking from person to person, feeling slightly overwhelmed. The Shepherds were a beautiful, generally kind family… But at the same time, they were greatly intimidating. She wasn't sure if it was the good looks or the stance or whatever, or just the fact that they were in her in-laws…

And, if not to make things any worse, Nancy's sarcastic voice dripping with disapproval echoed from the open door. Meredith gazed in the direction with a frown, Nancy's eyes fixed on the fuzzy image of the fetus pulled up on the monitor. "Oh," She said flatly. Derek turned to face the direction as well, just in time for Nancy to scoff, "You _did_ get the slutty mistress pregnant."

Silence stung the room for a moment as the words came crashing down onto everyone in it, slamming onto everyone like a crashing wave. Meredith choked on her own breath, most likely from surprise and partially from hurt. She knew that Derek had told her to take Nancy's opinion with a grain of salt, but it didn't change that the words freaking hurt to hear.

And Derek flew out the door after her, releasing his tight grip of Meredith's hand to chase down the culprit of the hateful words. He caught up to her in the hallway and grabbed her arm forcefully, with anger. "Nancy!"

She spun angrily, stomping with her heels, "What?"

"How dare you," He growled at her, letting her arm go angrily. She took a step back, so he took a step forward, still in the center of a buzzing hospital. He pinned her down with his angry gaze. "How dare you say that."

"Derek, I'm your sister. I was just voicing my opinion. I can say whatever I want," She said flatly, flipping her now shoulder-length hair over her shoulder with a shrug. "Don't overreact."

"Overreact?" He said, attempting to keep his tone even, although his legs felt as if they were turning into some sort of jell-o.

"Yes, you~"

"No!" He said, and his voice was raising in intensity and angry pent-up rage. "You know what? Just shut up. That is my _wife, _and that is my _child. _You do not get to diss and insult them and act like it's okay because I'm your freaking brother." He hissed. She was about to protest, but he kept going, his ranting fiery and unstoppable. "Half the time, I'm embarrassed to even be known as your brother… Because Meredith Grey is the love of my life. You and your snotty remarks aren't going to change anything, so either change your freaking attitude and grow up, or go back to Connecticut."

Nancy stood, stunned, clearly shocked that her brother had said such things to her, and backed up. "Derek~"

"No. You heard what I said. Insult my wife again and you'll be looking for somewhere else to stay." He said, and he turned around, away from her, away from the anger and frustration that loomed in his heart. He turned and he walked. No looking back.

But much to his unexpected surprise, when he got back to the room, all four of the other women were standing outside nervously, mumbling amidst themselves and swaying on their feet. It was Carolyn who saw her son approach, and she said to him softly, "She's upset." But Derek barely heard her words as he bust back into the exam room, only to see Meredith changing back into her clothes and mumbling to herself tearfully.

"Hey, are you okay?" Derek said, out of breath from his anger or rage or frustration- or walking. He made his way over to her where she was pulling a brush through her hair. Her face crumpled and her lip trembled as she tried to nod, a faulty attempt at a persuasion. He sighed and held his arms out, wrapping them around her tiny, reluctant body.

"I just want your family to like me," She whispered into her arm, and he kissed the top of her soft blonde locks and nodded to no one in particular. He could feel her body shaking, even in the warmth of his embrace.

"I know," He whispered back. "You can't listen to what Nancy says. She talks crap, and she doesn't know what she's saying." He sighed into her hair and ran his hand up and down her back repeatedly. "She doesn't know _you."_

"I love you so much, and I want… I just…" She said, her voice muffled against his sleeve.

"I know," He repeated, and he held her trembling body even tighter. The fact that she was hurting made him just more furious and Nancy, so he held her, protected her, wishing nothing more but to try and make her feel better. He racked his brain for things he could possibly say, but came up dry: Well, except for one. "What do you say we all go out for Chinese tonight, okay?"

_**A/N: Sorry that took so long to post! This will be a two part segment, and I was originally going to post them both together, but that would have been a monster of a long chapter so I broke it up. The other part is longer and goes a bit in depth. **_

_**Thanks for reading! Comments are so appreciated. All of the reviews really motivate me to post and write. **_


	21. Chapter 21

Stepping out of the thought-provoking shower, Meredith shivered as the cool air wrapped around her freshly shower steamed arms. She wrapped the towel tighter around her chest and walked over to the mirror, her feet flat on the cold tiles. Her hair dripped with watery saturation, and hung in stringy, wavy clumps.

Carefully, she unwrapped her towel from herself and immediately yanked her fluffy red bathrobe from the hook it swung on, replacing it over her damp body. She tucked it around her and tied it, teeth chattering, before flipping over to wrap the damp towel around her head, twisting it until secure. There was a knock on the door before it opened, and the steam clouded out, escaping from the small room. "Meredith? Are you almost done?" Derek's voice called through the fog, and he coughed with emphasis. Meredith glared at him.

"No."

He frowned and made a show of checking his watch, "We have to be at the restaurant in twenty minutes…" He didn't like to rush her, but this _was _his family, and they tended to be very punctual people.

She found herself shrugging, "Don't worry, I'll be done by then." She pushed past him and walked back into their room and towards their closet, immediately leafing through the many button down shirts and jeans she owned. She sighed. "I have nothing to wear…" She mumbled, rubbing her forehead before returning to separate the clothing items that clumped together messily on the hangers.

Once again, Derek seemed to be right behind her, "What do you mean? You have all of these clothes, and…" She could feel his hot breath on her neck, and she pursed her lips with a sigh.

"Derek…" She spun on her heels and put a palm gently against his chest, smoothing down a wrinkle in his dark blue button down. "I need you to take a step back. I love you, but I really just need to you back off for ten minutes. So I can get ready." _I just want to be approved by your family. _"Please?"

He exhaled and nodded. "Yeah. Sorry…"

"It's okay, but just… Yeah. I'm kind of drowning in this whole thing and I just need a few minutes of space." Derek frowned and nodded before walking away, and Meredith turned back to her closet with a deep breath. She scanned the selection, tearing through options with her eyes, and she finally tugged out a black dress. It was plain, a simple V-neck, but it was the best option she had, so she slipped out of her bathrobe and changed, glancing at their clock that sat dauntingly on the nightstand. Time ticked. She may have forced herself to look nonchalant when Derek was losing his patience, but the last thing she wanted to be was late. They had promised they'd meet the rest of the family (even Nancy) at the local Chinese joint, but time was ticking.

Derek entered their room again, holding a newspaper. He flopped down on their bed and the sheets rustled as he leafed through the thin black and white print, and Meredith fumbled back into her closet- this time getting on her hands and knees to find an acceptable pair of heels. She reached blindly into the black corners of the darkness until her fingers fell on the smooth material of a heel, and she grasped it, yanking it and whatever shoe was closest next to it. She smiled triumphantly when she had successfully found a pair of plain black heels. Perfect. But then she frowned: More plain black for Meredith.

With a sigh, she picked them up and trotted back into the bathroom, throwing them on the ground at the same time as shaking off the towel that was still plastered to her head. She heard Derek from the other room, "Hey, take a breath!" And she rolled her eyes with a scoff. As if she wasn't rushing already. She yanked a brush through her tangled wet hair before flipping the hair dryer on and blasting it at her golden blond strands, turned brown with the water. She flipped and shook and tried her best to get every bit of moisture she could out of her head full of hair.

By the time her hair was done, or almost done, being dried, Derek had finished whatever he was reading and now sat on the edge of the bed, staring at his watch. 5 minutes. She had 5 minutes, and those were very small minutes. She was too busy trying to make her face look presentable. The women had already seen her beaten and sluggish in the hospital room- Speaking of hospital, she frowned at the stitched up gash on her upper forehead, something she could cover up, and it stung, physically and mentally. She dragged black eyeliner in a thin line on her upper lash line and smeared black mascara up her eyelashes, blinking and saying a silent prayer that she wouldn't poke her eyes out.

And when she sat to put her shoes on, her head throbbed, and so she took a minute to just lay against the door and shut her eyes. Just a second. With the trauma from earlier that day, she still felt weak-which was to be expected, but she refused to accept that she had overworked herself. Sure, Bailey had said she just got out with a few bumps and cuts and that her main problem had been shock, but she _had _been in a car crash. The idiot who ran the stop light didn't get out as lucky as her- Actually, he didn't get out at all- he was stuck in the ICU with multiple internal injuries. She had been lucky. But it didn't change how nervous she was now.

Suddenly, as she dragged her hand across her leg, she felt it. Stubble. Stubble and hair on her bare leg, because she had forgot to shave. "Crap!" She snapped angrily, yanking her hand through her hair and cursing under her breath.

At that, Derek was up and to her side immediately, assuming she heart herself or the baby was doing something. "What is it? What's the matter?"

"I… I forgot to shave my legs!" She snapped, and she could feel her lip quivering. Her hormones were off the charts.

"Oh," Derek said, and he exhaled, standing back up from his crouched position. "That's fine, Meredith. Are you ready to~"

"No!" She snapped, and she shakily forced herself to her feet. "No! I'm not! Stop… rushing me! I'm not ready to go! You've been hovering all day, and I'm overwhelmed, Derek!" Her emotions were running away from her and she felt it- pregnancy hormones weren't something to be fiddled with- and she could clearly know that she was overreacting, but she didn't care. "It's not fine! I'm wearing this black dress that I'm going to look stupid in anyways, and I need to shave my legs!"

He frowned and swallowed, regarding her carefully, "Meredith, I'm sorry, I just thought it~"

"S-Stop! I'm not ready, I'm not…" Her teeth chattered, and she looked up at him desperately, fearfully, with tears that glimmered in her eyes. "Derek I'm not ready, I'm not ready…" She whispered, and it was then when she exploded into a fountain of tears, crying suddenly and unexpectedly. "Oh, god, I'm not ready. They're not going to like me. I'm not good with f-families, and I don't…"

Derek's expression folded into understanding, finally realizing the reason for her outburst. "Meredith…" He said softly, and he pulled her reluctant form into his arms gently and carefully. He leaned down to kiss her lavender smelling hair. "They already love you."

"You don't know that," She said, her face muffled into his chest. "You don't know what they're thinking.

He sighed, at lack of words for a second, but he felt her hands holding his arms- the thing she did when she was miserable, or in desperation- and he kissed the top of head again before tilting her chin up to look at him. "But I do know my sisters. And their reaction to you today, well, it was definitely a good one."

She sniffled. "But Nancy…"

Derek laughed softly, "No, you can't listen to anything Nancy says. She has no idea what she's talking about. Meredith, listen to me. Any of them would be _crazy _not to love you. You are the love of my life, and they are my family- therefore, they are you _your _family too. You need to take a minute to breathe." She nodded at him and licked her lips, taking a shuddery breath.

"Okay. Okay." She swallowed. "Okay." Her expression softened and she blinked up at him, "Thanks, Derek."

**XXX**

Much to Derek's surprise, they were only five minutes late, and none of his sisters were looking upset (Well, with the classic exception of Nancy, but then again, basically everything was an exception for her.) Everyone was sitting down, chatting and babbling happy as they sipped what looked like different colored teas. Jennifer was the first one to notice them walk up to the table, and she smiled widely, "Der! Meredith, hi guys!"

"Hey," Meredith said, and smiled genuinely, immediately taking the seat beside her and across the round table from Nancy, who refused to meet her eyes in the first place. Derek took the seat next to her as well as Kathleen. Immediately she picked up the menu and stared at it, unblinking, trying to run through impressive things she could say to the family surrounding her.

Amelia took a small sip of the tea that wafted steam from it's cup and grinned at them, "We were just talking about that clinical trial you had published, for inoperable brain tumors, you know."

Meredith smiled widely and nodded at Derek, but her head was already pounding. She was overwhelmed, and her headache seared, just like the doctor had warned her it would. She forced her smile to last and let Derek talk for her, "Oh yeah. That was great." He snuck a smile at Meredith, who smiled back and winked.

"It really was impressive. My firm gets the magazine delivered to our office, and it was so funny to have a magazine with your giant face on it," Kathleen said with a cool smile. After taking a sip of tea she teased, "Not sure how much I liked the picture, though."

"Oh, thanks." Derek rolled his eyes and laughed, setting his menu down. "Meredith said the same thing."

"Did you?" Kathleen raised her eyebrows, laughing softly as she looked over at Meredith.

She bit her lip and nodded, a small giggle escaping her lips. "Yeah. I mean, I love all of Derek's pictures, but…"

Kathleen finished her sentence for her, "…but did they have to choose _that _one?" Meredith laughed at her remark, and so did Derek.

Carolyn swatted at Kathleen's arm and smiled with a warning, "Kathleen Shepherd, be nice to your brother." She glanced in Meredith's direction and winked, "You too, Meredith."

Derek smiled smugly, "See? I have mom on my side."

"Speaking of being a mom…" Carolyn blurted, and she looked at Meredith, her eyes gleaming. "You're going to be a mother, Meredith! And Derek, you're going to be a father…."

"Oh God…" Amelia groaned.

"Hey!" Derek said defensively, and Amelia smirked and then laughed. Meredith giggled at their friendly banter. She wasn't used to being with all of them at once. Her headache was still pounding, and it was hard to focus on anything.

"For the record, I think you two will be great parents," Jenny piped up with a big grin. Her hair was curled nicely around her small, young face, and she looked so innocent and kind. Her large eyes fluttered happily.

Meredith wasn't used to any type of praise. She never had been. So she felt her face flushing into a shade of warm red and she nodded, "Thanks. Derek will make an excellent father." She glanced to her side at Derek, with a small smile. He smiled back gratefully and mouthed a thank you. "He grew up with such a great family, too. So he's kind of got experience," She said, laughing nervously. Under the table, she fiddled with her fingers, thinking of what happened to his dad and wondering if she said the wrong thing.

Carolyn smiled genuinely and nodded, "Thank you. We tried our best to raise him right."

"Well, you did. He's perfect," She said, her words running away from her. Her head pounded, and she winced.

Amelia scoffed, "Well, he wasn't so perfect when he used to draw pictures of fish all over my bedroom door." She glared, "…in _sharpie." _

"What?"

Derek's face flashed red and he scowled, "Okay, that was _once. _And I was mad at you."

"Hold it…" Jenny put her hand up and glared at him. "You did it to _my _door, too. You and your freaking obsession with freaking fish." Meredith tried to hold in a laugh, and she eyed Derek, amused. "Not cool, Derek."

Derek glared at them defensively, "Well, you were both being obnoxious and you got what you deserved. End of story."

Meredith laughed softly and looked at him, gently putting a hand over his on the table. "Derek, you know I love you, but… fish? Seriously?" She continued to laugh for a moment until her headache grew even heavier and she stopped, taking a moment to wince and look down at the table, visibly distressed. Oh, and Nancy still hadn't said a word.

Derek smiled, but frowned when he saw her pained expression, "Are you okay?" His eyebrows knitted together in concern.

"I'm fine." She said softly. "It's just my headache."

Carolyn's voice floated from across the table, "I have aspirin, if you need any."

Meredith smiled sadly and shook her head, her words grateful, "Thanks, but I actually have some pain meds in my purse that the hospital gave me." She then proceeded to reach down under the table, careful not to fold over too far, and she searched under the white tablecloth for her purse. Blindly, she didn't feel it, and she began to pout until she realized that she had been rushing so fast that she hadn't brought it in from the car. She was back up at the table and she frowned at Derek, sighing. "I left it in the car. I'll be right back. I'm sorry…"

She felt his warm palm on her arm, and she looked at him with a frown. He said softly, "You can sit, I'll go get it."

She forced a smile, "No, really. I'll be right back. Plus, I have the keys…" And she looked at the table, addressing them all apologetically. "Sorry, everyone, I'll be right back."

Nancy rolled her eyes, but Meredith ignored it as Kathleen waved her hand, "Go ahead, you're fine! Car accidents suck that way."

And Meredith nodded and quickly turned on her black heels, scurrying out of the restaurant as fast as she could. She was overwhelmed. Everything was too much for her right then, from trying to impress his family to watching every word that came out of her mouth, and along with the headache, she felt like she had a giant weight attached to her shoulders and was pulling her down.

By the time she threw the door open to the outside, her headache clawing at her brain, she took a sharp inhale of air as she realized that rain was pouring. Literally. Dumping in sheets on every car, trickling down windshields, smashing the streets, filling and splashing into puddles- It was absolutely pouring, an entire downpour. Meredith groaned loudly and dragged her hands through her hair, trying to figure out how fast she could get to her car and back. For a second she considered just running back inside and pretending like everything was fine, but her headache was putting her in a fog, and she had a family to impress. Derek's family. Which, by marriage, was her family too. She couldn't let a freaking headache ruin her night, so… she ran.

Lightning flashed and her feet splashed in the puddles, and she could already feel her hair sticking to her face. Wetness seeped through her dress and drenched her slowly as she yanked at the car handle in distress, only realizing then that it was locked. She clicked the unlock button on the keys fiercely, her finger turning white from intensity, and she yanked and pulled and leaned into the seat of her car, feeling her back getting drenched in the downpour. Her bangs stuck to her face as she messily and blindly shuffled around under the front seat until her hands finally met the smooth straps of her purse. She yanked it and she heard many things fall out of it's open top and scatter to the ground, but she didn't care. She wrapped it up in her hands and slammed the door, running through the rain back into the restaurant, her legs shaking.

By the time she was in, she was drenched. Drips of water trickled down her face from her soaked hair, and her dress stuck to her skin in all the wrong places. The soles of her shoes were squishy with rain, and she licked her lips, trembling. She clutched the purse in her hand and stood in the foyer of the restaurant, fumbling through it's scattered contents. Sure enough, she found the bottle of pills, and swallowed one down without any water. She stuffed it back in her purse and frowned, catching her reflection in the window. Her makeup was smeared, and her hair stuck to her face. Her dress clung to her, and although it was black, she could see the outline of her bra quite well. Not to mention the fact that she was dripping all over the freaking carpet. She cursed under her breath and her brain began to force herself back to the Shepherd's table.

She wished she didn't have to hear the chorus of gasps as she sat back down, plopping angrily and refusing to make eye contact with anyone. She stared at the table cloth and watched the drips from her bangs splash onto her lap. Her hands were shaking and she felt their stares. "It was raining. Really hard." She said flatly, trying not to sound as negative as she felt.

She felt Derek's hand on her shoulder, "Do you want my coat? Are you cold?"

Numbly, she shook her head. "No, I'm fine."

Silence fell across the table for a few moments, and it bit at everyone. Meredith hated it. She hadn't meant to ruin anything, or make anything awkward, or silent. _Congrats, Meredith, you screwed things up again, _she told herself. Her heartbeat thrummed nervously in her ears.

"Your hair is so pretty," A voice rose from beside her, and she blinked, turning to look at Jenny, who smiled supportively. "Even when it's wet."

She exhaled and smiled gratefully. "Thanks." She paused, and looked across the table at Nancy, who clearly didn't look very amused or happy. She actually looked like she would have rather been anywhere but there. Swallowing, Meredith's thoughts ran through her head like a never ending train- Nancy was Derek's sister. So as hard as it was, she had to treat her like family. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at Nancy, and her voice was careful as she said, "Nancy, how's your family?"

Nancy looked at her like she was an alien from another planet. She rolled her eyes, "They're fine." Carolyn eyed her and sighed.

Forcing a smile, Meredith nodded, "That's good." She reached over to get her tea, but because she was paying so much attention to Nancy, she pushed it right over and it toppled, the hot contents dumping over the table. And it immediately poured, rushing towards Nancy's direction, and it dumped off the table, landing on her lap. She stood up and shrieked, "Bitch!"

Everyone's eyes went wide and Meredith could feel her lip trembling. Her hand flew to her mouth, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Nancy glared at her, "You did that on purpose!" She hissed through her teeth, and Meredith felt her whole body trembling.

She stood up from the table, her dress still dripping, and her thoughts pounded her head. She felt sick. She felt like she had single handedly just blown everything, and she felt tears prick her eyes. Shaking, her voice weak and quiet, she stuttered, "I can't… I have to go, I'm sorry…" And then she ran.

_**A/N: I am SO SO SO sorry that took so long! I have been so busy lately. **_

_**But I hope you all enjoyed this chapter :) Meredith is really overwhelmed with the whole concept of family (although I'm pretty sure Nancy deserved that hot tea all over herself…) And it's a very new thing for her. **_

_**Comments are greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!**_


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